Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

It is snowing today, it's been very mild almost summer like a few days this past week.. Well ok not summer like but in the double digits so it was great. You're right about me being strong and all I mean remember my old posts? I was just a complete mess and more than a year has passed, ow moved out I snooped and discovered they're no longer friends on fb. Why snoop you ask? I guess I want to validate my hate towards him lol. Or wanted to but they're not friends.. On fb that is, not sure about real life.

So since last time I told him that being friends is clearly not working he hasn't called me for quite some time.. Two weeks maybe. Not long but felt so nice. He attempted some calls the past few days, one excuse lamer than the other and when he does that I get so mad and usually decide I just won't pick up when he calls next time. In a few days I forget that thought and he calls and I pick up as I did yesterday. He makes small talk.. I tell him I'm not interested in his small talk and he says, oh ok and says bye.

I was then again thinking I won't pick up next time, I mean what does he want? Just makes me so mad and I think what makes me so mad is his small talk and pretending as if nothing happened. Guessing it's his way of getting into my 'good books' but I thought it would be so nice to hear a sincere apology.. And not because he wants to live with me happily ever after as if nothing happened but because he hurt me deeply day after day for months, he betrayed me in ways more than one.. I mean not only did he cheat on me but he also yelled at me many times how (and why) I'm not good enough.. Telling the same stuff to our friends.. And he has the nerve to call me and start talking about his day.. My jaw drops to the floor seriously.

He did say sorry over text once or twice but does that even count? Do I feel any better? No I don't. I honestly just want to scream at him when he does that but I get so angry I wouldn't make any sence anyways. It would be very very nice if he apologized and let me move on with my life instead of acting as if nothing happened. Before when id attempt some convos with him and I was having a bad day... I'll give you an example.. He'd call asking if I cooked anything (not sure if I ever mentioned how my cooking was [censored] before as per him) so he'd call ask that and I'd say didn t the whore cook something? In these senarios he either says ok bye or asks what whore.. And atcually waits for a response :-/ and I go on to say the whore you left me for, the one you moved in with.. Remember?

So it bothers me.. Aside from that I have friends constantly asking me about him, this one friend of ours every time he has a few drinks brings it up.. That I must still love him and how he messed up.. But now it's too late.. Or sometimes he'd just ask if I spoke to him and then again I get so mad and say no I have not spoken to him, we have nothing to talk about. I wish that people would just get off my back and him included. Sometimes I think maybe I should find a bf for a few months just so people back off and stop asking me about h. But then I don't want to do that either because that's stupid.

So holding up as strong as I can now but not easy and people around me don't make it any easier.

Do you all think I should tell h to apologize and let me be or should I leave it? I mean if he doesn't feel that a sincere apology is due than would I be happy if he just said the words?

And to top it all off (call me crazy) I was just thinking about 'poor' h today. How the holidays are coming up and he has no one to buy gifts for even.. Is that even normal? Is it my hormones playing games making me so sensitive at times?