Stronger

[mishka422]

Blunt is good Barb. I ask myself the same question all the time. What do I have with him? I have no idea. I feel so awkward all the time. It's really depressing to feel like I have no foothold. No anchor.....adrift. Yep, that is the feeling...adrift.

I am stuck. I'm scared and stuck. There are very few things I will ask for myself because I'm so tired of being told no or shot down. If I don't bring it up or don't ask for anything then I can't be disappointed, right? Not a great view of things but that's been my experience for the majority of my life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic or pitiful here, it's just a form of self preservation that I learned at a young age. Expect nothing...EVER.

UGH! I hate feeling like this. I had buried all of this down so deep and hoped it wouldn't surface again but those stupid rings ripped the lid off. GAG!

Well, while the lid is open and I'm being a whiny baby....there is a feeling I have in the deepest part of my soul. I think that all the good things that I had coming to me in life won't come to pass now because I made poor decisions when I was younger. It's as if everything good is no longer attainable because of the choices I made and the path I'm on is to just exist for others now. I can't really explain it any better than that. It's a horrible feeling that gnaws at me every day.

Ok, that's off my chest for today. Sorry. Pathetic, I know. I had to get it out while I was on a roll.

Living together doesn't make him responsible for any of my debt. This is credit card debt. All in my name. The only debt that is from when we were married was the big ugly one that prompted the bankruptcy in the first place but it was also only in my name. The divorce papers say that we are to split the debts but it also says he was supposed to pay child support but since he has been unemployed or extremely underemployed for the last 4 years that never really happened either.