Ever since the big vacation D15 won't talk to H. She has also been defiant. I have been trying to talk to her but she is angry that H doesn't try talking to her even though she told him not to.
She is 15, my D just turned 16 so I'm very familiar with the dynamics of a D15. SHE DOES NOT MEAN WHAT SHE SAYS. When she tells H not to talk to her, she wants the exact opposite. She's just lashing out in anger and frustration over the sitch. The LAST thing he should do is honor that and not talk to her! Every child counselor in the world will tell you that teens complain non-stop about their parents' "smothering" behavior but they really do cherish knowing that they are loved and considered important. Teens are a classic case of the DB 180 rule that says don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. In a lot of ways being a teen is like MLC, it is a transitionary period in which hormones are affecting their thinking, decision-making and emotions. SHE WANTS AND NEEDS TO FEEL LOVED!
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I told H this and he said "she told me she didn't want to speak to me". I told him that she is very angry with you but you have to make an effort to talk to her and keep trying.
Yup!
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When we have been discussing D15 sometimes other things come up and he will say things like "I tried to tell you things and you wouldn't listen" or "no one cared how I felt".
Tell him "I'm sorry about that, but I'm listening now and I care a lot about how you feel" and then if he opens up then be the best listener in the world. Make eye contact, nod, lean forward, repeat main thoughts back to him, validate his emotions.
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So since we're both at work today I sent him an email stating that I have noticed that he keeps bringing that stuff up and if he is not ready to put that in the past, maybe he's not ready to move home.
Why in the world did you do this in an email???? Call him!! Or better yet, wait until you see him! This is the kind of conversation that requires two-way communication and could get emotional, and it's important to validate his emotions. You can't do that in email.
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I guess he could move back since he is still paying the bills. If that happens I guess I need to know if I still proceed with the GAL and 180's and moving on, or do I show him the love and affection as if we were getting back together?
Negotiate the terms of him moving back. Consider going on some dates and getting some MC first. He will be more open to it as conditions of moving back rather than after-the-fact requests.
