New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

Today, I feel .....
I guess after getting the check from H and trying to decide what to do, I feel very sad and weepy ....
I really try to keep my emotions in check when DD is around. Last night I felt this overwhelming urge to find our printed wedding vows and I can't find them. I started look in our wedding album and of course got emotional looking at pix and listening to our cake topper (it was a music box). DD came down and caught me, she put her arms around me and loved on me. I jumped up and kept looking for vows (still can't find). She went upstairs. I went to her room and hugged and kissed her and thanked for her taking care of me and told her I was sorry, this all [censored]. She said she was sorry. But I told her I was sorry it has effected her life so much also.
But then I was just weepy the rest of the night, thinking about how much H has lied to us. What I need to do and what I don't want to do. I very much don't want to be divorced, but right now I don't see any other way around it. But then part of me says, if you aren't ready, then there is no rush (I think someone else has said that too me) at this point, whats the hurry. He is already living with OW and choosing her over us, so what is the rush.
So part of me wants to say file the darn papers and give him what he wants, to be free of us. Part of me what to fight really hard, but I'm honestly not sure it will matter... why fight when I think he feels like he's done something so unforgivable, I may never want him back. And some of me agrees. I hate not knowing what to do ... so I'm not doing anything right now.

I do need advice, though. Since he promised 1/2 of payout, do I push it, or just go with the flow. Honestly, I was hoping for more so I could pay off a looming personal loan I have.. paying it off will give me $150 more a month for living expenses (actually savings). But I don't want to nag ... and he still hasn't answered my text ... and I still haven't signed his bank papers to take me off account... again, what is the rush? Unless he doesn't want me to have access to know how much he got and how much he spends. I really don't care and I've never looked untill I got suspicious he was lying (which looking proved).
I know DR means no nagging, no contact, etc .. so I'm thinking no more asking about it. Just take what he gives me.... right?