Keeping busy is good and with a young one it isn't hard either
One of the things that worked for me was a nice thick rubberband that I wore on my wrist. When I caught myself obssessing or wanting to snoop, I would snap it really hard. It helped me modify those thoughts.
Remember to be kind to yourself when you slip. This isn't easy and you are all too human.
Abolutely agree - I was a total nag and just wanted my old husband back. And did not understand at all that my methods were just making things worse. I have only been aware of Divorce Busters for about 2 weeks - so in that time I have been working on it.
Good, just be patient as it takes a lot of time for the DB techniques to have an affect on the spouse. And don't beat yourself up over the things you did wrong, the idea behind DB is to evaluate what you were doing wrong and enthusiastically do 180's on those things. It's not about guilt-tripping.
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Thanks you for your comments dawn marie. He's still very confusing to me - I still see lots of signs of MLC, but as AnotherStander pointed out, I had become quite the nag - and pretty demanding as well. And a pouter when I didn't get my way lol.
Don't spend too much time trying to "diagnose" him because the DB approach is pretty much the same regardless of whether he's MLC or WAH. With time you'll know, especially if he starts going monster. And whatever you do, DO NOT suggest to him that he may be MLC! If you do that he'll hear you saying "this is all your fault, there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed." Right now he blames you for his unhappiness, so you need to own your part in that and show him you can change.
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Interesting turn of events this morning though - guess who is now checking MY phone records?! Yep. I'm assuming (that gets me in trouble, I know) that it's because I've been working on giving him space - not asking about anything, only contacting when he contacts me first and keeping things short.
Good, what that tells you is your detachment is working. He's wondering what you're up to and why you're suddenly acting different. Just remember that detachment is about giving him space, so don't be cold, rude or indifferent to him, just pull back.
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And it gave me an opportunity to inquire about the new 25 yo, which I told him I have known about for awhile but had not said anything. He says he's known her for a long time but isn't atttracted to her at all.
There are emotional affairs as well as physical ones, and EA's are just as damaging. Many people in EA's will swear up and down that they're not in an A and/ or that they don't even like the other person.
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I assured him that I would not be involved with other men
Don't tell him that. Be mysterious!
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that I have told him where I stand with us and that I will be here until he figures things out
Don't tell him that either! If you tell a WAS that you're sitting around waiting for them, then they'll string you along forever. They have to think there is at least a possibility of losing you. Again, be mysterious! Tell him that YOU need the time and space too! YOU need to think about things too! Don't make it all about him! Don't give him all the control!
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18 months, etc - I can't imagine.
I'm almost 6 months in and wouldn't have imagined I'd make it that long. Just take it one day at a time and don't try to figure out what the total timeline is because it varies a lot.
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Right now I want him to see that I am still that independant girl, that I don't have to have him around, I like having him around. I've been keeping busy doing a lot of things in the house.
Great, yes, that's what you want him to think and see. Try to do more stuff out of the house too.
Keeping busy is good and with a young one it isn't hard either
One of the things that worked for me was a nice thick rubberband that I wore on my wrist. When I caught myself obssessing or wanting to snoop, I would snap it really hard. It helped me modify those thoughts.
Remember to be kind to yourself when you slip. This isn't easy and you are all too human.
I hope today is a good one for you.
HUGS
I'm putting a rubberband on now, what a great idea!
I hope you have a good day as well, mine as been good thus far.
I'm a planner -it's very hard for me not to think of timelines lol
Today I'm just feeling like I contradict myself a lot, mostly because during our conversations yesterday I invited him to dinner. He accepted and seems excited, also made plans to go get a Christmas tree Satruday. So while I try to make myself really detach, I still feel we need these times of togetherness. I have seen where others have had success still incorporating these types of things, so hopeing it isn't harming the good I've been doing. Suppose the biggest worry along these lines is that I don't want him to think he can just string me along forever, like you mentioned AS.
Yesterday he picked up something for me from a store he delivers to and asked about bringing it over in the evening. Told him we wouldn't be home until after 7:30. He nicely asked what we were doing so I told him, just a library thing with little one but then he wrote this long message about how I get to do all of the fun stuff, he isn't getting respected as a daddy and only gets what's offered to him. Now normally this would have caused me to explode!! I kept my cool and explained again that he is welcome to make plans with her at anytime but we weren't going to sit around waiting for him to visit. And I nicely brought up that last week was his choice and he agreed (he had something every night last week and all day Sunday, spent most of Saturday with her) Anyway, he finally said he was glad we could dicuss civilly, that it was nice after the last year of mostly fighting, and then said 'look at us, mostly acting like adults' Guess I feel like things are moving forward. Think it will take him awhile longer to see if these changes I have made are going to stick. (yes, they are!!)
Suppose that was a little journaling - and I guess the question/topic for the day is - does it hinder the effects when you ask them to come to dinner etc? It seems he kind of makes excuses to come by anyway, doesn't hurt to actually invite sometimes, right? Oh, again in the land of confusion.....
So it seems the H is really stuck on checking my phone records now and wondering what I'm up to. Not that I'm doing this purposely, really just conversing with a mutual friend, but I think it has made him understand my issues with him talking with other women a little more. And I think he is seriously worried I"m up to something - which I'm not sure is a really good thing. I checked the records today, it's been a long time since I have done this, but after he was talking with me again today about it he mentioned that he wasn't talking with the other girls much anymore - and he was telling the truth. He has also checked my phone, asked about me deleting all of the messages. Uh, you have a LOCK on your phone, if I was that worried and up to something I would lock mine too. And he also reminded me today that we are still married - hmmm, seems I said that to him about a month ago. He is worried that I talk with this other person more than him and wants to know why some evenings I don't talk with him at all - I told him that with the situation it seemed he wanted space so I don't want to bother him or really know what he is doing. Don't think he was really happy about this. He has also spent 2 nights here in the past week and spent all day with us today, breakfast and decorating for Christmas. But while I want him around, I kind of feel like I'm making all this too easy for him - such as he kind of has the nest of both worlds, can come hang out here and then go back to his parents, basically having no responsibility. I kind of get the feeling that he wants to come home, but I don't want to ask him. I'd probably just get the 'on the fence' talk again. So what do you all think, am I making it too easy? I kind of feel like I just need to keep going with the flow - I'm keeping busy and doing new things, he notices - but I also would really love to have him home.
Inviting him to dinner is fine. Just keep your expectations to none. If it becomes difficult for you, back off some.
Nice job explaining to him his time doing the fun stuff was his own limitation and that he has access to her but that you aren't sitting at home waiting. Sounds like he took it into consideration too.
Having a great weekend, thanks! Hope you had a good one too!
H stayed here Friday night and spent the day with us yesterday. He actually texted this morning and said he had a really good time yesterday. He's here again today and full of compliments etc. im Not going to bring anything up tho, keep my expectations low like you said. But maybe he is coming around? But then again, if he is truly in a crisis, it could be that he just can't handle someone else having me so wants to keep me in a string. No what I mean?
Yeah, I exhaled on that one lol. It's like he gets close and then backs off, remembering that he isn't supposed to like me. Not that he gets mean or angry, can just tell he holds back. I had asked him Monday morning about going to my company Christmas party this weekend. He said maybe. But then Monday evening when I ask him (bc I need to get a sitter if we go) he says it depends on a recording session - that he just found out he could get involved with Monday afternoon. What? Whatever, I should know where I rate. I think I'm going to have to detach more, especially with letting him come over so much. It doesn't hurt me but I just think it gives him the impression that this situation is all ok. That he can go about making any plans he wants and no responsibilities and just come hang out with us. Because its frustrating to me. Hope you are having a good day Grace!
