Things have been coasting along here with minor changes. H spent more time interacting with the boys over Thanksgiving, and an eency weency bit more with me. Just polite conversation.
I initiated the most significant conversation last weekend about Christmas business. He said that he needs to call someone about his yearly tree gift certificate. He said he would handle getting looking for S10 gift, which he has taken care of this week.
I told him that the two oldest boys were worried about him, and noticing that something was wrong with him, especially S16, who has lost some weight.
He said again that he was very unhappy, especially with his job. The situation might change in the new year with a new boss. He teared up. He looked like a big blob of pain.
He also said something that I just had to scratch my head at. I didn’t bring this up, he did, but he said the reason he didn’t get me a cake for my birthday was because he thought eldest son would.
Eldest son has no transportation at present, and the extent of his cooking ability is heating leftovers in the microwave. So that statement made no rational sense.
I’m glad we had the conversation. It confirmed in my mind that H is depressed and there is nothing I can do about it.
He actually told me twice early this week that he would be late. He called me on the phone to relay some info from his dad to me.
He told me which states had the big lottery winners the other day. Apparently he bought a ticket, and didn’t win ☹
S18 asked me a few days ago how conversation with H went. I said that he was definitely depressed.
S said a few things that fascinated me. The time period about a year and a half to 2 years ago I was having a hard time with him.
At the time, I thought it was me. It wasn’t. S said that he was depressed.
His exact words: When you are depressed, you go down to your baser instincts. You are like an animal. You feel totally alone. You will do anything to feel better. You are doing all you can just to survive. I don’t know how he is (surviving). Just leave him alone. It must be taking a lot of energy when he comes downstairs and tries to act normal. That's why he keeps going upstairs. You can't look to someone else to make you happy. That has to come from inside you.
If I had ever doubted that I have been depressed, I know now that I’ve never experienced anything like that before. Something else to be grateful for.
It definitely increased the compassion factor for my H.
He is missing out on something he can never, ever get back. 10 year olds don't keep. Teenagers get lives of their own. I choose not to miss a minute of the time I have been given with them.
I am determined to cheerfully pursue joy. Whether it is MLC, depression, a personality change, a character defect, whatever -- I'm making the most of the roses in my life. I can't control the thorns, but I can choose not to let them overwhelm me. I can choose joy.
I am very proud of your son. He has described depression quite well and yes, mlc is a mixture of depression (mainly) and personality change all rolled up into one big crisis.
I'm very proud of you! You've come a long way and your son is giving you some very valuable information.
You most definitely can enjoy the roses, but the thorns are something you can't control.
Keep up the good work. Listen to what your son is telling you because he is spot on w/the information.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MissA, what a well written thoughtful post. You are able to detach and love your H at the same time. I'm sure you are a terrific mom, and your boys are so blessed to have you in their lives as a solid rock as they negotiate these important years.
Keep up the positive attitude and good work!
What's this weekend hold for you?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
What a wonderful post, Miss A. Your son's description of depression really touched my heart.
I thought it was interesting what your H said about your birthday cake. My H has done similar things to me. He told me he didn't get me a birthday present because he was just worried about getting one from the boys. Now, this is the man who was never home at the time, always "running errands". He most certainly could have bought me a present, just like your H could have got you a cake. I think they give us lame a$$ excuses for things because underneath it all, they do feel guilty.
Keep up the compassion and understanding, you are doing great!
I choose joy with you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Today is my 20th anniversary. This morning H met me at the door when I was on my way inside from taking the dog out. He was checking the weather. I said good morning pleasantly, but not much else.
He made coffee and went upstairs. He has been noticeably spending more time downstairs and occasionally making polite conversation all week.
He talked to me a solid 10 minutes on Saturday about his experience volunteering Friday with his work group. He even sat on the same sofa as me while watching S play Xbox for a few minutes the other night. He even got within a foot of me showing me his new coffee mug. He made sure I knew how to clean it. I wash all the dishes because he has excema.
Anyway, I was doing something on the computer earlier, and he walked in and handed me a card and a very small bag of truffle chocolates. Of course, no kiss or hug.
I said thank you. Then he asked if I had time to go to dinner later, he would be getting off work at 6. I asked if he really wanted to go, and he said that he asked, didn't he. So, I thought about my schedule for a few minutes, because I made plans for lunch and an activity with a friend and the boys, but I did say yes.
I wasn't expecting an invite to dinner. I thought he might possibly get me an impersonal gift, or send flowers so he wouldn't have to be here when I got them. That's what he did for Mother's Day before BD.
The card was a Happy Anniversary one, pretty nice, " The best part of life if sharing it with the one you love." I pulled out the card I had just in case and gave it to him. I wrote, "H, I hope you have a great day today and always. All my best, A."
I actually had been worried since last anniversary that he would spend too much on a special present, because that is what he was like pre B. For our 15th, he got me an expensive crystal picture frame, because crystal was for 15.
I have no idea what's for 20, but the old H would definitely have picked out whatever it was, not a 1 oz bag of chocolates. He even said he got me a small bag because he knows I haven't been eating sweets.
Which is true, I pretty much gave up candy after BD.
Now, I need some coaching to get through this. I am thinking the invite was just for appearance's sake, so he doesn't look like a complets a$$. I am dreading the polite conversation and awkwardness.
If he really didn't want to go out, he wouldn't have asked you. I would go and enjoy the meal. Follow his lead on conversation and if he doesn't talk much, you won't either. He may not take you to a fancy place, but somewhere very low key, so don't be disappointed.
As for the candy, he's keeping it very impersonal and is still on the teenager level, just a bit. At least he got you a card and some candy. LOL! Many lbs would dearly love to have any kind of recognition on their anniversaries...even if it was just a card.
I would dress up and put on that special perfume and be ready to go when he gets home. It may be awkward for a bit, but once you are seated and have ordered, you can always look around at the surroundings, etc. to pass the time. You don't always have to have a in-depth conversation...just enjoy the atmosphere.
Good luck! Happy Anniversary!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, snodderly. I'll do my best. I wish I had time to post here what I'd really like to say to him but won't, but no time. Off to lunch. You guys have a great day!
Its amazing that where we are on our journeys I would have killed for these simple kindnesses -- it makes me happy that he recognized you on your anniversary. Like Snod said if he didn't want to ask he wouldn't -
In terms of what you would like to say to him - he already knows that I think - they know us as well as they know them - they have a great sense of what they are doing on some level - comon they been with us for years - correct -
Enjoy your time together !! I will keep you in my Prayers Miss Agnes
Congrats on 20 years !!!
Sunny
If someone decides there is no goodness in you they won't be able to see it. I'll take a BLT over a MLC anyday !!!
Thanks for the wishes and for stopping by, Sunny. My S18 said the same thing, that at least he acknowledged it. It was my comparing what he has been for so many years to what he was yesterday that got to me. No expensive present.No touch at all. No kiss,no hug. Nothing.
I would love to understand what went on in his mind by giving me the tiny bag of chocolate. I would love to understand it from his perspective, which would undoubtedly be different than mine.
Intention is everything, but trying to analyze that is as fruitful as catching smoke with your bare hands, as my sons would say.
He asked if we could take my vehicle because his smelled like food he had transported earlier that day. His windows were cracked, so I sniffed. It wasn't food, but it was smoky. I said so, and said that it was cigar smoke, and he laughed. I know he smokes cigars occasionally, so I don't know what the big deal was.
He said I could open the trunk and smell the food, and I said that I didn't have a key. I was just joking, but he actually walked over to the trunk and opened it so I could smell. So, to be polite, I did. I didn't smell any food. He said he smoked the cigar to get rid of the food smell in the car.
That makes sense, doesn't it?
As I expected, he wanted me to choose the restaurant, but suggested one we've enjoyed in happier times. I didn't want to ruin that restaurant for me, so I chose a steak restaurant that's not my favorite, mainly because it was a place that wasn't sentimental to me, like the other one. I couldn't care less about steak. I got chicken.
I looked pretty. I got no compliments.
The conversation, which I let him lead, kept to his job and our sons. I mentioned that our S18 wanted to drink alcohol at home, and I told him that I would rather him do it at home under supervision, rather than with his underage college buddies.
H said that he would rather he not, and I said that I respected that and wouldn't contradict his wishes.H gave him permission to drink a tiny glass of wine with Thanksgiving dinner. That is what I'm talking about, not about drinking parties at home.
Well, last weekend when I went to the grocery store, I bought a 6 pack of beer, and since he was home when I got back and helped carry up groceries, H knew it and asked, "Beer?'. I rarely, close to never, drink. I didn't say anything at the time.
Last night, considering our conversation, he asked me if that was why I bought the beer. I said no, and said nothing else about it.
The real reason is that I just felt like it. And I figured it might improve my appetite. I want to keep my weight up. My current weight loss is at the "just right" stage, as Goldilocks would say.
He asked what I had going on over the weekend, because he has the certificate to get the tree, so I told him my plans, and said Sunday evening might be good. He said he would be busy with work all next week, so that was why he was asking.
Since he said that, I did ask about the his boss's party next week, because he opened and left the invitation on the desk, so I acted as if he were planning on going with me. He said he couldn't remember what day it was, but he didn't say we weren't going.
That was the only thing I considered a possible small mistake.
So, after dinner we went to the store to buy car mats for S18 new car. BTW, he passed his driving test today and is a licensed driver now. Can you hear me shout for joy?
Then we had to go pick S18 up from school. Got home. Surprise -- he did laundry. I sat on the sofa for a little while before putting S10 to bed. I did say goodnight because H was standing in the kitchen.
I think I did well. No tears, no interrogations, no demands.
Some things I would have liked to ask, and I would ask to a rational person:
Why haven't you left if you don't want to treat me as a wife? Is it because you are treating someone else like one? While I am here taking care of our home and kids? Are you just here because you don't want to leave the boys? What have you told your parents? How long do you expect me to go without sex/love/affection? Do you realize the damage, maybe irreparable, you are doing to the boys and your R with me?
I think I have so many questions because he has said so little. Other than his ILYBINILWY, and his comment that we don't listen to the same music, or have anything in common, his complaints have been sparse.
But two things I had forgotten about he did mention since BD. I didn't make time to do things when he asked because I was too busy with the kids.
And after Thanksgiving when he said he was unhappy with his job, I asked if he wanted to quit and I would get a job. He said no, that I would resent him for that.
Last night, I did cry before I went to sleep. And again today when I talked to my mom. Lots of tears. She naturally gave me all the wrong advice, and I had to remind her not to, and she calmed down. She's the best. She is even sending him his usual Taz ornament for the Christmas tree.
Why haven't you left if you don't want to treat me as a wife? Is it because you are treating someone else like one? While I am here taking care of our home and kids? Are you just here because you don't want to leave the boys? What have you told your parents? How long do you expect me to go without sex/love/affection? Do you realize the damage, maybe irreparable, you are doing to the boys and your R with me?
Asking these would be better than winning the lottery. Well, a small lottery lol.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
