Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[ForeverYoung]

Hopefully I was clear that I'm not condoning dropping the rope as a way of getting the WAS to return, I really think dropping the rope has to be done specifically because it's what the LBS wants. It can bring the WAS back, but that's not the reason to do it.

I believe the only time to drop the rope is when you truly are ready to give up and prepared to move on, because like you say, you may regret it.

I agree completely. It's not about getting the spouse back at that point, it's about doing what's right for you. I hope I didn't confuse anyone when I said it sometimes does bring the spouse back, it does, but that's not the reason to do it.

If you're only doing it as a tactic to win her back, she'll likely see right through it. Especially if you "flipped the switch" from standing to dropping the rope.

Not sure if you're making a general comment or if that's addressed to me, but if it's to me then I assure you I am not talking about dropping the rope as any kind of trick or tactic. It is for me.

Truly dropping the rope seems like a last ditch maneuverer to me, and one that you can't take back without losing credibility if it doesn't cause the walk away spouse to reconsider.

I don't see it as a maneuver at all, I see it as the LBS ending it. As Cadet says, it's not over until the LBS says it is. There may be S or even D, but as long as the LBS wants to hold onto hope then it's not over. But when the LBS drops the rope, then it is over as far as they're concerned. No more standing or waiting, it's over and the LBS is moving on with life w/o their spouse. Different people have different opinions on the definition of "dropping the rope", but that's what it is to me FWIW.

My comments were in reply to UF and and the forum in general, not to you specically, AS.

I agree with your interpretation of DTR. While it may not be a maneuver to win back your spuse for you, many others here seem to think otherwise. I say this because I have seen it recommnended as a course of action to others many times, (not always with the DTR words) early on in a sitch, when the LBS clearly had no intention of giving up.

I don't recommend the LBS dropping the rope unless they clearly have given up on the M, because it very well may back fire on them, and there's no taking it back without losing credibility.

If you're not ready to throw in the towel, DTR is either a game playing tactic, or a uniformed mistake.