Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[AnotherStander]

This week is W's week to have the kids. They come to my house after school and she is supposed to pick them up around 6. As the weeks and months since separation wear on, her pickups keep getting later and later. Like most everything else, she had an idealized vision of how this would work and it wasn't realistic. She often has to work late and frequently there's bad traffic and wrecks on her drive home. She just can't control the sitch like she thought she could.

Last night S9 had a scout meeting, so I got him ready for it so they could go straight there. It started at 6:30. That came and went with no W, but I didn't call because it's her issue to deal with! She finally showed up after 7:00 clearly stressed. She had her puppy in the car (in a cage), so I offered to watch her while they were at scouts and she gladly accepted. So they got to an hour-long meeting 45 minutes late. When they came back I asked if she was doing OK and she said she was stressed earlier but feeling better. I told her if it happens again that she should just call me and I can take him (this is one of my 180's, before BD I would always gripe about having to shuttle the kids at the last minute when W was supposed to, now I encourage W to take advantage of that).

Back to the first paragraph, basically on my weeks I have the kids all evening. On W's weeks, the kids come to my house, I get home around 4:45 and have them until around 7 (it's supposed to be 6, but W rarely makes it before 7). So then W picks them up, rushes them to her house, they eat and do homework and it's bed time. I asked D16 how much "quality time" she spends with W and she did say "none during the week" which is what I suspected.

Only reason I mention this is I've read a lot of stories here where WAS's actually think that after S they will magically be able to spend MORE time with their kids! I think my W thought that too, and clearly it's not working out for her.

You make a good point. Although it might not bring them back it will force them to think over what they really want.

Hopefully I was clear that I'm not condoning dropping the rope as a way of getting the WAS to return, I really think dropping the rope has to be done specifically because it's what the LBS wants. It can bring the WAS back, but that's not the reason to do it.

I don't mean to wait indefinitely, but I do struggle with knowing if my wish to drop the rope is real. Always when I get to that state of mind something happens which throws me off balance again.

I know exactly what you mean. I really do feel like letting go, but I think it's mainly a self-defense mechanism. I think at some level I just want closure, and if W doesn't bring it then I feel like I need to.

The thing is, if I 100% knew that W would want to reconcile some day, I think I could stand indefinitely. But I'm 51 and frankly I just can't afford to wait for her for years if in the end it's not going to work out anyway.

I guess I'm just afraid that if I drop the rope I will regret it.

I don't have any regrets in life, the things I did wrong taught me valuable lessons and made me into the person I am today more than the things I did right. Some of these decisions are extremely difficult, but once I make them I don't ever look back and I don't have regrets.

I mean how do you really know when the time is right? Maybe it never feels quite right and you just have to go for it at some point?

I think that's it exactly. There will never come a time when it seems like the 100% correct thing to do. It's never going to feel totally "right".

You seem like a well-balanced individual, and it's quite sobering reading your thread.

Thank you! I've always had a pretty solid keel in the water but this experience really threw me off course for quite a while! It's still a diversion, but I feel like I'm back on track regardless of how it plays out.

I believe the only time to drop the rope is when you truly are ready to give up and prepared to move on, because like you say, you may regret it.

I agree completely. It's not about getting the spouse back at that point, it's about doing what's right for you. I hope I didn't confuse anyone when I said it sometimes does bring the spouse back, it does, but that's not the reason to do it.

If you're only doing it as a tactic to win her back, she'll likely see right through it. Especially if you "flipped the switch" from standing to dropping the rope.

Not sure if you're making a general comment or if that's addressed to me, but if it's to me then I assure you I am not talking about dropping the rope as any kind of trick or tactic. It is for me.

Truly dropping the rope seems like a last ditch maneuverer to me, and one that you can't take back without losing credibility if it doesn't cause the walk away spouse to reconsider.

I don't see it as a maneuver at all, I see it as the LBS ending it. As Cadet says, it's not over until the LBS says it is. There may be S or even D, but as long as the LBS wants to hold onto hope then it's not over. But when the LBS drops the rope, then it is over as far as they're concerned. No more standing or waiting, it's over and the LBS is moving on with life w/o their spouse. Different people have different opinions on the definition of "dropping the rope", but that's what it is to me FWIW.