Backstory H and I have been living apart for 25mths 01/11/2010 he moved out Year one we tried to mend the R without DB He came home after 10 mths but swiftly moved out again as we hadn't discussed the issues nor had he given notice on the room he was renting which made it easy for him to run away. This past year I have worked alot on my Self and been more accepting of H BUT nothing changed his side Since 01/06/2012 I would say the R has irretrievably broken down due to his actions - not turning up to go away for anni w/e, going away w his friends for 3 weeks etc and I have finally had enough.
Around 14/11/2012 I realised that I have done all I can to rebuild my marriage and that I have no energy or interest any more. That I only live once and that being miserable was never part of my life plan. I guess you could say I am a LBS that became the WAS. It was DB GAL that turned my headstate around. I realised that actually I am happier alone.
Going commando? Anyone who has been following my sitch will know about the commando reference. Oft times I would run around w my panties in a bunch because my head might tell me something - i.e I still have some triggers to work on.
So why am I posting here? I need some help. I want to get this show on the road but I don't know how to. Well I do but I feel bad about sending him an email stating the facts. BUT I don't want to see him as he may be expecting some other conversation and he probably won't show anyway. And he doesn't answer his phone when I call.
What other option is there?
Coms this week:
A week ago, I tried to call H about an ongoing AV issue in the house - where I am. He didn't ansa which has been the story of my life for 2 years. It was the final straw for me so I text him to say I didn't want this in my life any more, that I wouldn't contact him, please could he not contact me and I would be in touch when I was ready to talk. That I deserved better.
Weds: he text me saying "you do deserve better. Much better"
Sat: he text me saying he needed to come over to the house to collect his mail and if I didn't want to see him, could I tell him when I was out. Which I did. At the time I was shaking and feeling vulnerable. Petrified he would turn up when I was in. He didn't collect his mail on Saturday.
Sun: I text to tell him when I was out - 11-21hrs - he said "ok have a nice day x". I didn't reply.
Since then nothing BUT I know I need to tell H that I want to file now and sort out assets. I actually want this done by early March - my birthday.
At this rate we could carry on as before w no communication and no change. I don't want to - I want it done yesterday. do you think email is cowardly?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Around 14/11/2012 I realised that I have done all I can to rebuild my marriage and that I have no energy or interest any more. That I only live once and that being miserable was never part of my life plan.
Well kudos to you for trying this long!! I can certainly understand the need to drop the rope after that length of time.
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Going commando?
As soon as I read the title I had a picture of you running around naked, had to pop in and see what that was all about, LOL!
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I want to get this show on the road but I don't know how to. Well I do but I feel bad about sending him an email stating the facts. BUT I don't want to see him as he may be expecting some other conversation and he probably won't show anyway. And he doesn't answer his phone when I call.
It sounds like you're at your wits' end. Since he's being stubborn about answering/ responding I would be inclined to go ahead and file and leave him a voicemail and email that you've done it and he can expect to be served shortly.
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Sat: he text me saying he needed to come over to the house to collect his mail and if I didn't want to see him, could I tell him when I was out. Which I did. At the time I was shaking and feeling vulnerable. Petrified he would turn up when I was in. He didn't collect his mail on Saturday.
In the spirit of dropping the rope, I'd start marking all his mail with "return to sender, no longer at this address" and stick it right back in the mailbox.
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do you think email is cowardly?
If he doesn't answer the phone then no, it's not cowardly. It's about all you can do.
Tumbling, I agree with SS that from now on, all the comm will be through your L. No need to email him or call him anymore. I would send him a message saying that he needs to change his address so his mail does not go to you anymore. If he doesn't do it, it's his problem.
I know this is what you want, but it'll still be a tough road. Be patient and kind to yourself, and continue GAL'ing.
Tumbling its good to see you back commando style! :-) :-)
If you are at your wits end then I guess there is not much else to do but go ahead and file and send a message to him (email or voicemail...esp since he won't answer your calls)
Since you are deciding, take your time to make decisions that are not reactions to him but responses to what you want and need to move forward. You are in charge of this picnic my sister!
((( ))) sending you hugs and love!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Haha I was sucked in by the commando comment as well. Good luck Tumbling. at this point an email, a lawyer, a carrier pigeon who cares use what ever works.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Honey, there is nothing even remotely cowardly about you. Two years is a long time. You done awesome, your H is a fool. I agree about sending the mail back.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Thank you so much for ALL your encouragement. It's still incredibly sad and Tori, you're right it's a really tough road but my friends are all being great.
I guess I have realised that "relationships are like glass - sometimes it is better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to put it back together" and not only was the relationship in pieces but I was shattered my Self.
This was really brought home to me when I caught up with a g/friend Sat night who had stopped taking my calls in March 2010. It was lovely to see her again. I didn't want to know why we had fallen out but she told me that she couldn't handle not being able to help me and that she couldn't stand seeing me hurt my Self over and over again.
UPDATE
So this past weekend I have done some great clensing. I sorted through the DVDs and books and put his all together in one place so that it is easy for him to pick them up - not sure when but it will happen.
I also decided that I needed to claim the main bedroom. So I moved all his remaining clothes that were in drawers into a wardrobe in the spare room behind one door that I do not need to open again. I also made a charity pile of clothes including my wedding night negligee and my wedding shoes.
Then I moved my belongings to his side of the bed (I always wanted that side anyways but he wouldn't let me try out that side even once) and put things in the room that he wouldn't have liked like my lava lamp that I had when we met! Saturday was thus renamed - Lava Lamp Liberation Day!
Yesterday - Sunday - I knew I had to formally tell him that I wanted a divorce. It was a difficult morning - lots of tears (I could never catch the thought that was making the tears fall tho) - and I let them come, I am finding feeling my feelings is for the best. I hope that releasing the pain when it comes will help me heal.
I cleaned the house and then showered. Then calmly sat down and wrote a clear, unemotional email to H. I contemplated drafting it here but decided that I wanted to do it my way.I told him that it was time to close this chapter and that according to the government divorce website, it should be straightforward. That I wanted to get this moving and hoped we could do it amicably. I asked that he acknowledged my email.
I was calm until I pressed the send button and then I cried some but I guess that's how it goes.
He replied 90mins later "Receipt acknowledged. I know it doesn't mean much but I will always love you."
That broke me in two because that's all any of us wants - but he doesn't love me the way I need to be loved.
Anyway, today I have the day off - i was meant to be at that interview but I withdrew my application last week - i have other things on my mind to deal with than a move 180miles away for a job that may not be as great as my current one. I have taken some legal advice and I have started looking at the finances.
It's all baby steps for me right now but they are baby steps into a future that I choose and that will be full of big smiles and NO MORE PAIN.
So still going commando and it feels good!
PS The potential EA has blossomed and I feel truly cared for. He understands my need to take things real slow and that I want to sort out my life before we start anything. He's really lovely. For the first time in maybe 6 years I feel safe. I guess sometimes we need to take another's hand to give us strength when we can not do it alone.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
