He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

What are you trying to do? Control your H?

Well, that's certainly what HE thinks.

I don't know that I'm "trying to control" him. It's more that I'm trying to be heard. Sometimes the advice on this board confuses me because I feel like it conflicts. Or maybe it's just that I don't understand it.

Our MC told me to take a step back during our session tonight. He was basically telling me to DB, of course not using those words because I'm sure he's not familiar with the book. So I guess it's pretty clear that I haven't been doing a perfect job of it.

I hear what you say, Breakdown, that DB is about getting strong and living for YOU, and that I'm not really doing that. I have given that advice out on this board but sometimes it's hard to follow. Being M is a hard habit to break, esp when H is in the house and we're doing things "as if" everything were fine. It was much easier to do that when I was separated. I do plenty for me, and I think that was part of the original problem.

I've come to realize a few things in the last couple of days. One is a pattern I have at night after the kids are asleep. I usually have a need for stimulation at that point, and it's then that things fall apart in whatever way. This is why I spend a lot of time here at night - to get that stimulation and also to distract myself from not spending time w H.

The other thing is that I need to admit to myself that I have a significant fear of failure. We all do to some degree. I have a fear of failure around work and around men. As if I'm not really good enough in either category. So this is probably why I hold on so tightly. If I can't make it work out I've failed.

GAL doesn't mean you have to leave the relationship....but stop defining yourself by your M.

That's a lot easier said than done, esp. for the LBS. I have been married for 11 and a half years. I quit my job to be home with my H and kids. When I defined myself as something else and put the M on the back burner, that was a disaster. I wouldn't agree that I define myself by my M, but I am fairly preoccupied by the situation.

H said he doesn't see that I really "feel" what he's going through. I'm afraid that's an insurmountable task since I've never gone through it myself. I can sympathize but I'm not sure I can empathize, at least not right now. It's frustrating for me because I'm trying to be loving and responsive and he just pushes me away more. I'm confused about this. Would detaching show empathy?

MC did go a little better tonight. I spoke up and said what was bothering me. I don't know if H heard it or not. H's issues tonight were the following:
- I haven't taken responsibility for my extra marital Rs
- I'm forcing him to conform to a timeline that he's not comfortable with (which I never asked but that's how he reads it)
- He doesn't have capacity right now to empathize
- He feels like he's always the one who has to provide support
- I don't allow him autonomy in the R

I have more to say but I'm tired so I'll have to finish tomorrow.