Im struggling with feeling free from him. I still feel haunted by him and I don't know how to get rid of that. It's because Im aware he is watching me closely and still trying to play games, when Im really feeling ready to let go and jump off that cliff into the unknown, of a brand new life.
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The only way I know how to free myself from being suffocated is to walk away break all ties. I sometimes really wonder if moving away so he's not so accessible to me and the girls would help.
Really, I think that's what you used to know. Not what you know now, right? I totally get what you're saying and there are still days I wish I did not live in teh same old house. I find that even though I feel long over it, have new people in my life etc., there are days when it is oppressive. A change of scenery would not be a bad thing. But I'm stubborn and hard on myself to the point I won't let that beat me. In fact, I'll stay until the house is something I like. Until I make it into something I like. Working on that as we speak,uh...type.
As I was reminded in a different thread, they never truly go away until there is six feet of dirt between you. They will try to insert themselves, like an overgrown child throwing a tantrum (I WANT!!! WAHHHH) and it will drive you mad unless and until you get past it. Moving to another location could help. But it is not enough. And it's disruptive to you and the kids. And you're not the crazy one, so why do you have to move?
You'll hit bottom from time to time. He's going to try very hard to make sure of it. Once you know that, it changes everything. Once you realize that no matter what he does, you are going to do what's right for you, it gets much much better. And easier to let go of the rest of it. With or without him physically around you....
Off to Christmas shop.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you, I need reminded of that. You know sometimes it all gets so overwhelming, Im the one that just wants to run! But in all reality, I never am he one that runs. I stay, and I stand firm. I deal, and I go on.
AJ I read through some of your very first posts last night. Though the situation may've been different, I see where your XW's MLC logic was/is so much like my XHs. I see you going through all the same motions I did too. It helps me to see that I wasn't wrong, my XH's mood changed with the wind as it seems your Xw's did.
You're right AJ, Im not the crack pot here, though he's driven me to the brink of thinking that I am. And he does try to insert himself from time to time. Sometimes he'll be quiet, and then sometimes he's so demanding that he have his way it's just insane.
You know I NEVER THOUGHT he'd still be hanging on in some way. Never did. I didn't expect this at all. For him to really not let go, yet refuse to be a normal member of the family we started.
With time, and reflection I think I can learn to let all his antics slide. I've come a long way as it is, I just have to learn to not allow him to annoy me. I have to say that this MLC is just the same SH*T just a different day. Im getting used to his pattern because there definately is one with him. I think it just took me over a year to experience it over and over to realize that he's on his magic carpet ride! Doing the same thing over and over.
Somewhere in the background of my mind I hear Steppenwolf playing.."on a magic carpet ride..."
Be careful with patterns. That's another way to have an expectation. Patterns will change with him and if you are "used to it" it may throw you for a loop. You'll see.
Accept the idea that he left but...didn't/won't. It's a little easier.
God didn't put you on this earth to wallow in craziness and suffering any longer than you need to. Know that it won't last, Kimmerz. It really won't. It won't because you weren't made to let it last.
Silly as it sounds, you will be the one that is long gone before it is all said and done. Even then he'll try to assert control and insert himself in your life at times. But you'll learn to keep him out and in time he'll go the rest of the way and hopefully figure himself out.
When you're ready, you'll do these things.
As for the similarities.. well, there are just so many variations that can be in a given situation. I think that accounts for so many similarities in these stories on the board.
I feel sorry for my xw sometimes. But at a distance, lol. And not sorry enough to want anything to do with her. But I see the craziness and the destruction and I know that's a big hole to fill in her life. I hate that the same way I hate it for the mailman..now. I used to be too close, but as I get further away, I see it differently and know it's her journey. I do wish her well and sometimes, I wish she'd leave me alone
It's a strange and wonderful life. Buckle up!
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
OK Im having a moment!!! Im trying very , very , very hard not to text a nasty message to XH. However Im starting to calm down... I've come a long way.
So without any warning, the girls cell phone service was cut off wednesday.
Xh agreed to pay for their cell phones when he left.
I got facebook messages from D13 about this over her 2 day stay. Apparently XH didn't make the payment so his service, except for 911 and imessages has been cancelled.
I had a hunch that perhaps he just took the girls off his bill but kept his own service. I sent a message today to test that out. He responded that he lost cell service but can still get imessages.
I then said to him " I don't understand why you didn't tell me that covering the girls phones was such a financial hardship for you. What does it cost for you to cover them on your plan?"
That text went out about 9 hours ago... no response of course, yet he was happy to tell me he can still get texts.
My point in asking that is that I want to cover the girls phones, and stupid me, actually had a little expectation that he would give me the amount so I could get an idea of the cost and see if I can budget it.
This man is the utmost passive aggressive person I've seen. I started to re read "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" this week and it's just an open book of my marriage and a real manual to XH mind.
UGH.... I just gotta vent here. Ya know passive aggressiveness is crazy making. I literally CAN NOT HAVE A NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HIM, he drops it like a hot potato.
He also seems to be giving D10 lots more information than he does to D13. Does anyone have any clue as to why he does this? D10 has always been considered the "informant" so I wonder if he's hoping to get information from her and hopes that information will get to me through her. He told her " well if I get assistant manager, I will buy you guys new phones".
I remember that XH loves to drop little hints in order for you to go " huh, what's going on? tell me more, tell me more!"
At any rate I don't have alot of time to be pissed about this. I have a dance to chaperone for d 13. Can you believe she asked me to do that? She thinks Im cool enough to invite me to do this? WOW.... I feel very honored.
I also took a CPR/AED class through work today. It feels good to learn new skills, especially in such an important area. The rules change on CPR all the time!
CPR is a very important skill. People are very lucky to be around you.
Your 13 year old asked you to chaperone?? Strange
Enjoy the dance. The rest will work itself out in time. Don't be rash...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Breathe! He's playing the passive agressive game w/you. He most likely figured that if the service was cut, you'd contact him about it. If you can swing the amount, I'd contact your cell service and see what they offer for a family plan. There are some great plans out there. This would be one more thing that you could have control over and take him out of the equation. Don't wait for him to provide you w/a cost for the cell service.
Mlcers tend to select one child to be their best bud. It is usually the child that doesn't question anything about what they are doing, the child doesn't challenge them for their behavior, etc. I think your daughter is being used not only to bring information to you, but also to carry information to him.
I'm glad your daughter asked you to chaprone her dance. That is an honor because most children don't want their parents around such events.
It's good to have new skills and stay abreast on the changes, especially in the area of CPR. You just never know when you may need the skill. Congratultions on taking the course!
BTW, I, too, read the book on "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" and it was a real eye openner for me. My xh was the perfect example. PA's can really screw your mind up and make you think you are the crazy ones. They know just what buttons to push and how to do it w/o coming across as the instigators.
Breathe! Don't allow his PA behavior to cause a reaction in you...Kimmerz, you know you can take the phone control away from him by calling around for plans...just do it and take back the control over your situation w/this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Once again, thank you for your words that help me to REMAIN CALM. I swear sometimes I can get so flustered with him I need to do Lamaze breathing just to get a grip. Hee hee, Hoooo, Hee, Hee...HOOOO...
The dance was great. It was really a priveledge to see my daughter with her little "gang', and actually see how young boys and girls interact with eachother. Interesting! Very different than when I was young. They played Michael Jackson's Thriller, and well.... the kids didn't know the dance! I was tempted to show them, but refrained. Later my daughter told me that I should've gotten out there and danced, she thought that would've been great. Gee... I sure am lucky to have a daughter that thinks Im so "cool". It really is an honor. I felt that way about my mom too. I was never embarassed of her and enjoyed her company as a teenager. My friends loved her too.
I really had no idea that MLCers befriend the "weakest link" out of the children! WTH is that about? And that's poor D10...for now.Ow is now attempting to warm up to D10 a little, but still freezing out D13. Well D13, she's become aware of her father's games and ways, and she's standing her ground with him more and more.So I can now see why D10 seems to be the target for Ow and XH, but D13 is shunned.
D10 said to me a few weeks ago. "You know Dad.... I think he's afraid of sister. He doesn't talk to her like he talks to me. I don't know why he says things. I wish he was scared of me too".
D10 always has been what we call an "informant" even before he walked out. She just feels she must report everything. You should see the texts I get from her (when she had cell service)... LOL the reporting of things is just something else, something we've just become accustomed to. She is very observant, thats for sure. I see Xh remembers this! He sure likes to talk her arm and leg off.
I still wonder, just what goes through his head at times. At times it's like he's actually got both feet on the ground and can act like a sensible man, and then other's he's so off his rocker into passive aggressive mind games it's not worth the effort to tell him to have a good day! He'll even spin that around on me!
The passive aggressiveness was always there, but never to this extreme. Basically Xh is a perpetual victum anymore, of course victumized by me. I mean like we've said before you can't make this stuff up!
I really hope to get the girls on my cell plan or at least get them a pre paid plan. Yes that really would take all control away from XH at this rate. All he's got is a parenting plan that states we need to be flexible or go by the rules, and that's it. I've got his wages garnished and soon the cell phone under my thumb, we're good.
Now.... if I can get him to quit sitting in my driveway for 30 minutes at a time when he picks the girls up in the mornings....maybe a nail strip in the drivway would do the trick!
I am very happy to read that the dance went well. Your D is very proud of you and you should have gotten out on the floor and showed them how to dance to Thriller. You would have been the hit of the dance!
The sitting in the driveway is one of two things: 1) intimidation; or 2) he is sitting there remembering that he use to live there and is thinking about what he's lost. I wouldn't sweat it...if he wants to sit out there until h@ll freezes over, let him. He's just being a PIA.
Yes, the mlcer will buddy up w/the weakess of the children. Why? Because that child will not challenge him/her about what she's doing. It sounds like the ow is starting to see the difference in the two girls and will use your D10 for info. I do think that your daughters are smarter than what either of them thinks...
The PA behavior can drive you nuts and have you questioning yourself.
Definitely check into the cell plans and see which package would be right for you and the girls. It's time to take this last piece of control away from him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LOL.... Well maybe the next time I just might do the dance. I think we can watch it on youtube and get the steps right!
Snodderly I too had wondered if his sitting in the driveway was either some sort of control thing, or maybe he was just in his secret way feeling just a little bit of home. He does this often I guess. I will be home 3 days this week from work, and we will see what transpires Tuesday and Wednesday with driveway tactics.
Just had a good conversation with MIL. She called to ask about Christmas presents from the girls. Apparently XH told her that Christmas was a "financial nightmare", and now XH is down to pawning things and putting stuff on Ebay to try and make money. He said this to the girls too and I just got a report of it today. I think OW quit her job... again. MIL said XH looked really pale and he just doesn't look very happy. MIL said she's really thinking that perhaps she might tell XH he can move back home to his apartment at her house if he needs to get away from OW. Yet At the same time she doesn't want to pry and say " hey if your miserable and stuck between a rock and a hard place, just dump the woman and move back home till you get back on your feet son". MIL has mixed feelings about helping him given she's aware of how he blew money and now is really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I told her I felt he's in crisis and explained that what he's done, down to blowing a huge amount of money and moving in with the likes of that woman is very typical for life crisis for men. She agrees and now says her ex did the same thing at 40.
In lieu of the Christmas spirit.... Im feeling another wave of forgiveness and compassion to my MLCer... AGAIN. This time though.... work really hard on 0 expectations.
Kimmerz, You can feel compassion and forgiveness for the MLCer, but you can't waiver in your stance. They are like children experimenting in an adult world and when they've blown their money and have nothing to show for it, their fun time is up. Your xh is now feeling the consquences of his actions.
His mother shouldn't try to save him. He has to be the one to go to her and ask about moving back home into the apartment. No one can save him...he has to do that himself. What better time than Christmas to feel the "pinch" of his consquences? Maybe Christmas Past, Present and Future will visit him this holiday season and provide him w/the answers he requires to become a mature adult and father.
Continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
In fact, I'll stay until the house is something I like. Until I make it into something I like. Working on that as we speak,uh...type. 
