The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[FloydMan]

Thanks RegretfulLA. Do you really still love your H and want it to work? If so, the only advice I can give to you is be an open book for him. Share everything. No secrecy. You obviously need some privacy (like this board or friends or family to confide in) but just assure him it is communication to help you both and he should understand that. I would have if that were presented to me. Yes, he will need reassurance, at least for a while. I wish I had that communication from my W. Maybe that is all she was doing, but who knows?
What made you come home? Are you slowly working to join rooms again?
For us, it was definitely 50/50 on the neglect prior to A. I just chose other outlets like coaching kids baseball at a high level (2 teams) etc. I did miss our R and did feel resentment. I just assumed that was my lot in life. It was bad on me for not communicating that and bad on her for same, though she won’t accept this as 50/50. Therapist #1 after a couple months tried to explain this to her and W crossed her arms, leaned back , furrowed her brow and said, “No, more like 90/10”... Therapist again repeated it and she scoffed. I really think I spoiled her in so many ways in the M, but maybe more superficially/materially. She can be very controlling, though she says I am. Funny, that #1 Therapist who was tough and direct told me once in a one-on-one that it is kinda my fault for letting her control me for so long and it has become her habit.
Your Q) I stopped coaching as much, added more home duties, I was there for her to listen to her work day/problems, helped her with her work. I gave her all my time and attention and spoiled her. She loved me bringing her coffee in bed every morning to wake her up (though I did this all our marriage). Did things she likes (shopping, going out for dinner, movies). There were daily good morning and goodnight kisses….often she would initiate that. We even got her a BMW that she always wanted less than 2 months before she quit. I was at her beck and call. I did everything she asked of me she said was missing, except the self- confidence piece.
A month before she called it off, she was running late for a 2-day business trip but raced back to our room, kissed me, looked at me square in the eye and said “I love you.” I asked, “Do you? Do your really?” which was obviously too needy but it just came out. She said “Yes. Yes I do and I am proud of you”. She made attempts at cuddling etc. last year which I like but then she said I became too needy and needed assurances all the time. This worsened as she got more distant and secretive wanting her privacy. We did have regular sex…more than most people I think. In hindsight, I did get clingy and needy and was never like that prior to the A, or any relationship I had in life. It really turned her off. She always liked my self-confidence, but that was shattered. For the first time in my life I was scared of something. With a shutdown one does feel very neglected/rejected. I can relate to your H there. I did bring up her A a few days prior to her ending it and said some words that threw guilt at her out of frustration of her avoiding the topic. I regret what I said, but it was out of hurt and frustration. I remember a line from After the Affair, something like: “Don’t listen to the harsh words your partner says to you, but rather the hurt behind them”.
It took my wife a month to read After the Affair, and she did not like it. Said it was psychobabble and only other people’s experiences. It was one of 4 things that turned me around…Wife, kids, therapist, God. I did pressure, and that drove/drives her nuts. I fear the back-off now is too late. There is so much anger and spite in her. She won’t look at me now or give me the time of day. She is just focussed on heading for a D and wants freedom and independence. Though she will need to count on me for $ and kids support whenever she needs.
Your insight from your perspective is so helpful. Any more is appreciated.
Anyone else’s is appreciated too.