Looked the Gift Horse in the Mouth

[AJM]

Also, mlc doesn't stop w/the divorce because the spouse is still in mlc and will try the patience of JOB. They are not like normal people who go on their merry way after a divorce. They are still emotionally tied to us and will continue to "knock" on our doors periodically for attention. As a wise elderly lady told me long ago, you will never totally get rid of an mlcer until they are 6 feet under". They are just like children who are a part of you for the rest of your life or the mlcer's. Funny, I can totally relate to that one.

Damnit. I unfortunately know you're right about that

That lady was very wise indeed. They become children and you become their "parent" and stay connected in some weird way.

As for mrsjd, I suspect you have found something out about the purpose of these boards that you may not have known. The boards are not exclusively about saving your marriage. Sure, that's what you think when you first come here. And in some cases it does. In some cases, we come here, read, wake up to the horrible things we were doing and repent of our evil and terrible ways we already knew about but didn't want to change.

I think for those on the mlc board especially, but all of them, it's really about saving ourselves. For those of us with a nutjob spouse (aka alien intruder), it's the equivalent of saving us from a drowning person we were once trying to save.

I don't think it's unreasonable to come to a point where we are very happy we are not "in the pool" with them any longer. Where we realize we don't want to save our marriage because it wasn't really something we could a) have and b) wasn't what we really thought it was.

It's not easy to let go. Habit. Social conformance (familial most often) and other factors play a part.

Figuring that out and standing up to them for ourselves is really all about saving us first. And like the swimming analogy, we really do need to save us first else all is lost.

AJ