Here's a hug((())) because you are going through very difficult times right now. Dealing with kid issues with little of no support from the other parent is tough.
Now, what can Melissa control? Here's where I see you getting off the path. Your H has a real problem be it untreated depression and/or drugs, whatever it is, it belongs to him. Yes, you need to interact but only when absolutely necessary.
And at this point in time, your children need your attention. You H doesn't need or want it. Remember, he fired you.
I have no idea what is going on with H and really could care less. Sadly I am moving into the ambivalent column. That;s bad because I realize how detrimental ambivalence is.
Why is ambivalence about him a bad thing?
I don't think you're ambivalent, I think you're hurting and that's OK to admit.
It's none of your business what's going on with H right now. That was a hard lesson for me.
Again he's fired you from that role. And I know as the father of your children is affects you but only as much as you let it.
Detach.
You can do this, Melissa.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It sounds really rough. Do you know how S14 is taking it? I agree with labug about detaching from your H. You don't want to give him or OW any of your precious head space.
Take care, Melissa. Please keep updating if you get the chance. I'm thinking of you.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
S14 is distraught. Taking it very very hard. Me too. Basically they are now waiting to see if he will be tried as an adult. Honestly, the way the report read was that he was literally like a crazy person and shooting into the store. That wasn't at all the way it was. After they started really looking at the evidence it seems the attorneys (state) are really starting to see that a pretty serious error was made. Admittedly he should NOT have had the gun. I think he took it to show it off to a friend. Something that wouldn't surprise me one bit but the rest of the circumstances have been horrible. Anyway, after speaking to the county attorney and his attorney I really don't think they are going to try him as an adult. The problem is that now he is in district court and they will not convene again until the 12th. So what that means is no way no how is he getting out before then. Very hard to take. They have visitation tonight. I will go up then.
TY. Went to visit S tonight. It was good to see him. H was fine. Fidgety but fine. He was good for S I think. Although, S talked more with me. I just think that I had more to say as I have been the one going between the attorneys and S friends and stuff. S also seemed to just be glad to see us and really talked about what he had been doing. Basically it involves some intensive counseling and group sessions as well as time alone which he has spent drawing. He really did seem better. I think just having hope made it better for him.
Otherwise things were okay. We even had a laugh. Again, I was struck by how much H seemed to be a stranger. Nothing more to report. I keep GAL ing. We had a really really wonderful day today. I spent the day with step mother and brother. Let the D's stay home from school we had a great day at the lodge then toured through the park and acted touristy- lol Then of course I got to see S. After that we went and hung out with my school friends at McD. D's got to play with their kids in playland and we all had ice cream and just laughed and hung out. Then after that several of us went to dinner. When I got home we had a surprise package. Opened it up and it was a nice Christmas basket with candies, gingerbread men, chocolate, and fruits. No name attached and no one has claimed it. Basically it said Melissa and kids- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year- Santa Claus
So that was very cool and an awesome way to end the day. I'm tired but feel pretty good actually. Hate that S is gone. He seems to be coping okay though and frankly at least I know he is safe. So my stress about him isn't as great as I would have thought. Of course my primary worry as far as him is just how he is feeling and of course that is not something I can control (that was for Bug) I know you were thinking to yourself that is out of my control so I am acknowledging that. :-) There was a little mind reading to go with- lol
Anyway, tomorrow is a full day with several meetings at school. Then dinner with one of my good friends. Those meetings could be interesting but I am surprisingly stress free. My life and future are so much in flux I don't know what to think and I dare NOT make any plans. Weird that I am okay with that.
As far as H- I felt pretty good tonight. No desire to ask questions no desire to know more. Really I did watch for signs of drugs. To be honest he fidgeted the entire time. I did finally ask WHY he was fidgeting. He said he was just nervous. I have decided to not pursue it further. I figure if it IS drugs it will be apparent enough soon so no real reason to do so. It would only result in an argument and more animosity. Aside from the kids safety and well being when with him I really don't much care.
What he does is his business and all I am doing is taking steps to protect myself from any additional drama.
So that was how it went. Hope you guys are well. Thanks for continuing to check on me. It helps to come here where I can really put all my thoughts out there. Real life it is not so easy. People tend to be too judgmental about situation to really be open to listening to anything else. Therefore, I am generally not inclined to share much.
About the drugs, it would be important if in fact he is using because your kids go there for visitation. You can's control him but you can try to make sure your kids are in a safe environment.
Detaching from your kids is difficult. What happened with your son is sobering but can be helpful to him if he understands where his choices led him.
Being the controller that I have been in the past, I've needed to learn many lessons. (Some I need to be reminded of over and over.)
What I've learned: It's my role to model behavior, provide a supportive environment and be open, respectful and nonjudgmental when they want to talk. And always ask more questions, not to interrogate but to understand.
Good luck.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug- I am calmer. Much calmer. Frankly I think I am pretty detached at this point. Funny thing- I think H feels it too. I am seeing the distance/pursuit dynamic. Tonight- I know he was high (pot) couldn't tell about anything else. Sigh. Unfortunately, he has always been a pothead so this isn't anything new.
Anyway, went to see S14. We went both Tuesday and today. Both times H acted like nothing was wrong and so did I. Funny thing is I have really had a great couple of days minus the son ordeal but frankly that is drastically improving too. It seems the charges will be dropped way down and likely he will come home on the 12th. S actually seems pretty good too.
So I dunno. Today H texted me several times about the visitation. When I thought I would have no one to watch D's he said he would keep them so I could go. That just shocked me. Not like him. Then he also offered to be here at 6 AM on Sat and Sun so I can go to work. Laughed and joked all during visitation then as I was leaving he told me to be careful. Hasn't said anything even remotely concerned with my welfare since he got with XW/OW. Just odd. The whole thing was odd. I just said yea you too.
Do you think they can tell when we really and truly detach? I ask no questions of him and frankly don't much care. That may sound mean or harsh but it is what it is. I'm just not that concerned. It's like eh whatever. I know tonight I just walked out at the end of visitation. I didn't say bye or anything. No need to. We are not friends. Knowing that, it seems so odd to know that we are still married.
Frankly, Bug when you said I was fired - you are right. I was. So why should I stay invested? I noticed tonight as I was coming home I passed the car in the parking lot of the local store. Although I noticed it, I never for a moment wondered what he was doing or contemplated stopping. Previously I would have.
So here's to calm. Here's to taking care of me and my kids. They are my focus. S is my focus. I also love Christmas so that has had my attention. I am just not too daggone worried about him. lol I must say - it feels good too!
Oh and weighed myself- 30 lbs gone. Here's to some more! I CAN do this!
Not sure where Concur is. I think I told before I grew up in the Dayton area. South of Dayton actually.
Today was a hard day. H came and stayed with girls while I worked. He got very angry with me because I asked him about some bills of theirs (his & ow) that it appears I will be stuck with. I was told he has no money. I guess they spent the majority of his disability within 3 days. Who knows? Likely that is a lie. I dunno don't care. I do refuse to pay his bills though. I was never rude or loud or anything. Kids even said we heard him get mad when you asked about the bill.
Then apparently when I left they heard him say how he hated me and wished I would wreck on my way home. So mature. Love how they heard it too. WAFD.
Other issue is that apparently he was on the phone with her most of the day. They said if he wasn't talking he was texting. One of them guessed she called 7 times the other said more like 12. Who knows. Obviously it was a bunch for them to say that. Ironic. My H has never been a phone person. Ever. My guess is she is very threatened by him being here.
He was pushing D's to come meet her and stay all night next weekend and begin visiting there. I left it up to them. Again, I suspect that is her because she is so threatened. The other thing I asked him why he never responded the other night when I sent him a text asking him to come over and stay with the D's. He told me he didn't get it. I showed him my phone and said well I sent it. I suspect she deletes text's from me. I have thought this for some time. That pissed him off when I showed him mine. I think he realized and of course took that anger out on me.
Somewhere before I got home - I got all weepy. It just makes me angry/hurt how we always got the crap while it seemed like everyone else got the nice H. I dunno. I just was overwhelmed with how unfair the entire situation is.
We talked a few times during the day when I called to check on the girls. When I called at my lunch break that was not a good call. I still never was rude or raised my voice. I wasn't even snide or anything. None of that. Still it seems we literally can't have a conversation without his anger and animosity. I get the "whatever" line over and over. Or the I'm not talking about it or he just hangs up on me. Literally, it can be something mundane but if he doesn't want to deal with it that is what I get. He acts like a petulant teenager much of the time.
And here I am - again - one day of him here and I am back in a tailspin. I didn't let him know that but it's true. It has upset me him being here.
Funny thing to my face he is trying to be nice for the most part. Nicer than usual. However, if I say ANYTHING about the situation at all he is a jerk. Like I am supposed to just ignore it I guess. Or never acknowledge it.
So Bug would say what does Melissa have control of? Not much. How I react. I am trying to provide input into how the D's are impacted. I did say today to him when he asked about them going to his house - "I can't really stop it, however, I would like for you to consider what is best for them rather than what you or OW want. You know, within 6 weeks of leaving you moved in with her and that is an awful lot for them to digest especially right at Christmas time."
My feelings which may be twisted but I feel like she wants my life. Seriously. It's almost not even about him. It feels like she is trying to take over my life. She has taken my H, my car, my bank account even. I think she posed as me to get her electric in their name (the bill I am stuck with) Now pushing for my kids to come there I guess with this idea they will all be a happy family. And here I sit - powerless to do anything about it. I keep hoping maybe he will wake up but I don't think so. I think that is a lost cause. Really. I guess part of me is afraid they WILL like her and want to be there. Again back to how unfair this feels. Feeling sorry for myself today. I am tired and not feeling very good. Likely that has something to do with it.
