Put your hands up; it's a wild ride

[labug]

Wow!

I think you're right to go slow.

She gave you a lot of good info. And you're right, you do have issues to work on.

What are those for you?

















s

[someguy1233]

Wow!

I think you're right to go slow.

She gave you a lot of good info. And you're right, you do have issues to work on.

What are those for you?

















s

I've always been content staying at home, which W isn't. My list includes
-make plans to go out with her. Plan new activities. Plan them in advance to have something to look forward to.
-continue to GAL. This helps me break out of my habbit of staying in, introduces new conversation and people to talk with. These are things I could bring back home.
-stop talking about things W doesn't care about. Find other people with similar passions to hammer these subjects to death with instead of boring W.
-read. Follow current events. Follow politics. W loves these topics and it will also help me with my social akwardness. I'll have more things to talk to everybody about.
-help with S more in the night. Offer to assist if W is already up with him.
-don't just sit on the couch and watch TV because W asks if I want to. Suggest that we play a game, read a book together, etc.
-improve sex life when the time comes.

[Denver_2010]

Good list. Yes, remember that your W has different needs than you do, and make a priority.

And just do it. Don't talk about it, just do it.

[sandi2]

I think it's b/c you get dressed up and go out without her. GAL makes you less boring, in her opinion. I wouldn't say her A is over. She may be just checking to see if she can still work her little magic with you, IDK. But I don't think she's serious about the M. Maybe I misinterpret your writing.

I hope she has to work hard to get you back. If she can do it by simply changing her mind, then it won't last a month, if that long. I'm glad you didn't get all goosy and kept your cool....and I really glad you informed her there would be work to do. That was a good, strong step!

She seemed to be teasing, IMO. She's talking about how long it's been since ML, and she's cuddling up next to you and running her hands over you.....but once in bed she gives you a quick kiss and turns over to go to sleep. Maybe I'm being negative. Maybe she's doing baby-steps? No......I think she's teasing.

Stay strong my friend, and don't make the sex come too easy for her either. B/c if you cave into it too quickly, she will be her old cold self the next day!

[leopoldstotch]

SG Sandi has said it perfectly and all I have to say right now is tread very carefully my friend. One day at a time. You are making good progress do not stop your GAL activities.

[labug]

She said that I need hobbies. I need my own passions. She said that she feels like she has to be my everything and that one person can’t be everything for someone. She explained that she gets some things from me, some from her coworkers, some from her girlfriends… she explained that one person can’t be everything for another.

Believe this.

i shared this story with my IC yesterday.

On Sunday I went to a concert by myself. A friend plays violin in the group so at the last minute I decided to attend and was fine with going by myself.

As I sat there enjoying the music, a thought came to me "H wouldn't have enjoyed this at all." Had he been sitting next to me, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much because I would have been worried that he wasn't enjoying it. If he had declined I probably would had been a little mad or would have stayed home and missed the enjoyment.

My questions to myself were: "Why did I think that we had to like the same things all the time?" "Why wasn't I OK with doing these things alone or with friends" (I did have other friend activities but should have had more)

So, do get out and get your own interests and activities. It will make you a much more interesting person and take the pressure off your W.

[JuneReN]

First, others will disagree, but I do NOT believe in exposure of affairs. At least not at the outset. Can discuss this more if it is ever confirmed that your W is in an A. Let's hope not.

Yep, I am a disagree-er .
I asked H if he was seeing someone and he said no. He lied. It wasn't the sex, it was the lying. For me, that was perilously close to a deal breaker. Funnily enough, knowing the truth has made me position myself differently than before. Don't kid yourself, I was a wreck for a few days, but it gave me perspective.

That being said, I see Denver's point as well. If you are not in a position where you can handle the info at this point, don't do it. The exposure of an OW to me just confirmed what I suspected and I have no desire to know who where when or what.

The fact that H lied to me, put into question every single thing he has ever said because I trusted him, and it almost broke me. So, work towards your 180s GAL and detach, detach, detach.

Keep all info to yourself, do not ask W about OM, good chance she will deny. Do not let this eat you up SG..because it will if you let it

Ahhh, maybe I wasn't very clear. Sorry. I am referring to "exposure" as it relates to telling friends, family, children, etc., about the affair that your spouse is having.

I'm not in favor of that, at least at the beginning.

Exposing to friends and family only makes it more difficult for the cheating spouse to come back to the M once the A is over. They feel embarrassed and/or ashamed of their behavior and don't feel comfortable facing those people. In addition, it usually p!sses them off and accomplishes very little to end the A. IMO anyway.

I'm all in favor of confirming whether your spouse is having an A or not. I don't see how a person can make an informed decision on anything if they don't know if that is happening or not.

Gotcha...Sorry Denver .

[JuneReN]

Last night after dinner was GAL time. I had plans to go out with a friend.

While W was cooking dinner she turned to me and gave me a big hug. She said, "I wish you weren't going out so we could hang out." I smiled and replied, "We have Saturday!" She responded, "ugh. yeah... but we have to go to my brother's birthday party." Tonight she's going out with girlfriends.

Before I left I changed into my nice "going out" clothes and freshened my cologne. W gave me a once over glance but didn't comment. She didn't ask where I was going.

I went out to a bar we don't usually go to and saw a band. It was a good time! My buddy and I talked about putting together a small group of guys to jam. It's time to really start playing the guitar again!

-----

W was angry this morning. S didn't sleep well and she felt that I should have helped throughout the night because she was coming down with a cold. I sleep like a rock and she often ends up dealing with S. I've told her 100 times to wake me and I'll help. I commented, "You didn't ask me for help."

She snapped back at me. I calmly told her, "W, I really struggle to read your mind when I'm awake. It's especially hard when I'm sleeping. I'm willing to help, but you need to ask me."

----

Last weekend W said it would be fun to go to a concert that was advertised on the radio. We're going to the show next week. Hopefully this helps if she's "bored" with us.

It's interesting... in the last 1.5 months W and I have gone out together more than the past year combined.

That's a good thing. If your are like me, you are just fine being at home, hanging out, and being content. People like me/us, need to remember that others need more excitement, more variety.

You do know that the snarly was not about S being up, right? It was about you. You going out, you being calm, you having fun with AND without her. Keep it up SG, you are doing an amazing job of finding out who you are in this marriage.

[JuneReN]

Wow. Some progress happening, I agree with Sandi and everyone else. She is testing the waters. Keep GAL'ing, keep responding as you are, it seems like it is working for you and for her. You are more interesting. I always maintain, the other person is just pieces of you she's never seen....

[someguy1233]

Thank you all for your posts, Denver, Labug, Ruby, Sandi, Leo. I appreciate everyone's insight. It seems the general consensus is I need to continue doing exactly what I've been doing... GAL, act AS-IF, and continue spending quality time with her.


I'll continue to GAL. And try not to change my behavior too much. However, she's making it difficult to be consistent. Prior to her stating she wanted to be married she would avoid all physical contact. Now she's initiating it every once in a while with the dancing, cuddling, and occasional hug/kiss.

Yesterday was day 1 of W not working. When I got home she apologized multiple times for the house being a mess. Our son's toys were everywhere. I explained to her that I don't care and I understand it's not going to be easy at home with S every day. As long as they're happy, the house can be messy when I get home. It only takes minutes to pickup toys.

-The cell logs show she had a 20 minute phone call with possible OM yesterday afternoon before I got home.
-Last night we danced silly club style in the kitchen.
-When we went to bed she said, "Goodnight, baby. I love you." I responded "I love you too." She then softly kissed me. I waited a moment and couldn't resist...I kissed her again. (I wish I hadn't done this.. It could be pursuing too early). She snuggled close and stroked my hair/neck as she fell asleep.
-When I left for work this morning she gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips.

I'm torn how to proceed. Part of me wants to do everything to blow the likely affair wide open. The other part thinks I should let it go as-is since he's moving across the country in January...