heeeeelllllppp!!

[AnotherStander]

I feel like there is about 10 people telling me a bunch of different things. so please be patient if I have questions or am confused.

Ask away. But like MrBond said, everyone has been telling you pretty much the same thing in this thread. Now you've mentioned going to other forums, perhaps you're getting different advice elsewhere. If so then you need to decide which approach you're going to pursue. All of us here that are talking to you are people who have intimate experience with DB'ing, we didn't just read the book, we are all living the process. It doesn't always work to bring your marriage back together, but it DOES always work to give you a positive outcome regardless of whether you reconcile or not. Because it's all about you- improving yourself, making yourself the best father, husband and person you can be.

I haven't located the thoughts and think my wife might have found them and tossed them. I asked her once and she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about.

Quit blaming your W for the loss of your notes. You do not know that she tossed them, all you know is that you lost them. Forget the notes, they don't matter. You own the book now, so just keep reading it. Don't just read it once and then throw it on a shelf. Read it over and over again.

I want to be a better dad and better man because they deserve it and so do I.

Good! Now write down here specifically what that means to you and let us comment on it. "Be a better dad and better man" is a great thought, but you need specific goals to get there. What exactly do you need to do to be a better dad? Make it a checklist. I don't know how many kids you have and their ages, but the list can be things like reading to them every night before bed, taking them to the zoo, flying kites at the park with them, taking them out to eat, going for a walk with them, etc. Keep your W informed of your activities, if you're taking them to the zoo this Saturday then let her know you plan on doing that. It's OK to invite W along as long as she knows you're going with or without her.

Tonight I backed off my wife tonight. No following, giving her space. I tried to be friendly and upbeat

Good. Now keep doing that, and remember, it takes months of consistent behavior before she starts believing you've changed. Don't do it for a week and revert back to old habits.

but I do admit that I went in the bathroom to cry after the kids went to bed. I was so ashamed to be a grown man crying in the bathroom.

Why the shame? Forget what your dad taught you about crying. It's an emotional outlet and it is required in situations like this. It is normal and it is part of the healing process. Do try to cry in private, but don't be ashamed of it. It's healthy.

I also was trigged every time my wife was texting someone- I made a mistake and asked her if she was texting her sister. she said no and that was that.

Don't forget the DB 180 tips. I posted them all on page 3 of this thread. Memorize them. Live them. Don't ask her stuff like this, it's pressure and you want to remove pressure from her, not add more.

i was also triggered when my wife asked our oldest to get someone out of HER room and not Mommy and daddy's room.

You're going to need to get used to that. The two of you are already separated as far as she's concerned. Yes it's upsetting, but don't let it show.

I also asked to talk about the computer issue. I told her that I need access to the computer and since we split the bills she had no right to put a lock on it.

I don't understand your desire to get on that computer, is it for more snooping? You seem to post here a lot, what are you using?

she said I acted like a complete azz. I apologized for that and she looked stunned.

Doing 180's will sometimes have that effect. But you have got to be consistent!

In the mean time, I worked on a exercise plan - that includes walking 3+ miles every other day, and on the off days, I will do some light weights and stuff.

Good! Start today and stick with it!!

Always remember- DB'ing is all about action, not words. And it has got to be consistent actions.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.