A newcomer's story

[Spartan]

Hey JJ just read your sitch and I'm sorry you're here and feel your pain.

Also, did I do the right thing just letting it go with no comment or should I have challenged him? Thinking for next time.

Just my take here but I think you did the right thing. Challenging him in front of someone wouldn't have accomplished anything and would have likely ended in a fight between you two with no real value. I also don't think bringing it up with just the 2 of you does any good either. You need to act 'as if' you're moving on so what do you care what he tells strangers. I would ignore it and let him live his life of lies. It will eventually catch up to him, in the end liars always lose.

On a positive note I think I am seeing some clarity with regards to 180s. At fist the idea seemes a bit artificial to me, like I needed changing to suit H, with a motivation that was a bit manipulative. However, what I am now coming to see is that the process needs to involve thinking about behaviours that you can 180 to improve yourself as a person and therefore will lead to a better future for me. Regardless of whether that future ends up being with H or not. Self development not change just for the sake of change. In a lot of ways, we are being given a unique opportunity to stop and take stock of our lives and life philosophies. To work out what is really important to us and decide what kind of person we want to be moving forward. I get to evaluate and improve on the 'past me' to make a better 'future me'. Thats really empowering and exciting.

That's exactly right! I think many of us had that feeling of being manipulative the first time we read about the concept because we were in the mindset of doing anything to save M. Since I realized that's not the case and the 180's are for us it has made a lot of things much easier and I've been feeling better about myself.

Anyway Dad showed me what to then sat back while I mowed my lawns for the first time ever! I swear we were as excited as each other when I was done.

Best of all, at D10's school concert a few days later H leaned across our other daughter and offered to come over this weekend and mow the lawns. So I calmly said " thanks but they have already been done". Yay for me and what great timing!!

That's awesome! It shows you are moving on and becoming more independent. I actually thought of this scenario when I was considering moving out and I thought I might help with lawn work until house sold (I honestly don't have a good answer why I thought I would continue doing it). If she mowed it herself it would have me thinking she doesn't need me anymore which is what you want so well done.

[justjudy]

My mediation session today went OK - under the circumstances. I will come out OK and what i really wanted was the house and thats what I think I will get so feeling settled and calm.

I had a prayer chain going among my family and friends sending me positive supportive vibes. I wore blue coz it makes me feel calm and lacy underwear coz it made me feel good!! Driving there I was saying out loud over and over "I am strong and serene" and I felt strong and serene. And I got a car park right out front.

He was not aggressive or greedy or petty. Quite the opposite in fact - quite vague and passive, a bit disorganised, he just seemed a shell of his usual (old) self. He agreed with all my valuations with hardly any debate, offered $$ over & above what he needs to pay me legally for child support. I am not interested in screwing him over, I am just after a fair division that sees me and my children protected financially and with a roof safely over our heads.

I am glad we are going down the mediation path rather than a legal confrontation - hopefully we can keep things amicable rather than becoming bitter. I think that keeps my DBing in with a better chance. I don't see working out a financial settlement as the end of DBing or our marriage. It just draws a line in the sand at this point in time financially, allowing us to move on with less baggage between us. Or at least that is how I intend to view it!

And lets be honest, while I totally don't want to be here doing this, the reality is that this is the situation I am faced with. Yes, I am being forced down a path that I absolutely DO NOT want to take but I am caught between a rock and a hard place so i might as well make that hard place as pleasant as I can. Positive mental attitude.

[labug]

I commented to someone that my H would probably give me everything we own if he could just not DO anything. Not file, not talk to a L, not have to talk to me...

I'm glad things went well.

I am caught between a rock and a hard place so i might as well make that hard place as pleasant as I can.
Good advice for all of us.

[justjudy]

I have been reading over on the Mid Life Crisis forum, threads on distinguishing the difference between MLC and WAS, the 6 stages of MLC, thoughts on "why they run"...there is so much good advice. My H fits the MLC profile in so many ways and it is very validating to have my impressions confirmed and to really see that this is so much about him. I don't for a minute think I am 100% blameless here but I can see a bigger picture that takes away some of that feeling of failure.

I do still think I am not doing as well at detaching as I could. H is on my mind a lot and I wish that would stop. I try not to initiate contact and am doing OK with that. I try to live my life 'as if' everything is going to be OK and just carry on. Im doing OK at that too.

I have been doing really well at being independent so I was sooo annoyed on the weekend. I was organising the pool for summer with D17's help and the filter pump just died. Pretty much everything else I can manage but the pump? no idea. When H came over to drop off D10 after the weekend he asked how it was going and D17 told him the pump wasn't working. He offered to have a look - I tried to politely refuse his help but really I had no option but to graciously accept his help - he was right there offering and the girls were both watching & listening. He offered to buy and fit a new pump. Grrr - don't want his help. But upside is the pool will get a new pump and I won't need to worry about it for the next few years. So I swallowed my pride and accepted. But frustrating. Don't think I did my best DBing. but at least D10 will enjoy the pool over summer.

[justjudy]

Just dropping in to put some thoughts down so they are here for me to cone back and re-read in the future.

I have been thinking a lot about the dynamics of our R and the few reasons for H unhappiness I have been able to squeeze out of him...months ago, in the beginning when we went to MC a few times. I look back at MC now and see it was never really going to be successful at that time. H is dealing with who knows want and told me then that "MC won't change anything for me but itight help me find the words to tell you why I need to leave". I had an interesting conversation a few weeks back, he caught me at a bad time and I told him I was upset coz I still didn't know what had happened. He replied that we have talked all about this. We haven't, he's never opened up, but I really think he has had major conversations in his head, lots of thinking. I guess that is s good thing.

Anyway, so I've thought about the old me in our old R and I can see lots of areas to change and improve. It's been an eye opening exercise, I have had to stop myself from getting too despondent and guilty. I can see I wasn't always great to be around. There is some truth in the issues he raised. So now I am thinki ng about 180s and boy do I have some work ahead of me. It's very daunting but also gives a focus.

So I have done the DR thing and set some baby goals
1. Be a pleasant, cheerful, upbeat friend. Interested and interesting
2. Avoid initiating contact, say goodbye first, create some mystery about me
3. Validate. Speak softly. Listen.
4. Write in my gratitude journal daily (started)
5. Start reading again (joined a book club)
6. Healthy diet and exercise. (Started)

The first three are the hardest. I will know I am making progress when:
1. He can look me in the eye when he speaks to me
2.he initiates contact for other than necessary for the children
3. He starts to have conversations rather than hi/small talk/bye

So baby goals and how to measure success are out there.
I am not sure how to do some eg adding mystery.
Also validating sometimes feels artificial

But have to start somewhere...

[Spartan]

That is awesome!!! I know what you mean when you said it was eye opening when you took a deep look at yourself and saw your issues. I'm still shocked just how broken a person I really was. Best part is you now understand changes you want to make to improve yourself. No matter what happens with M these will make you a better person. I also like your goals because they are attainable in short time frame and aren't vague so you know when you've achieved them so you can move to the next set. I think you'll be surprised how helpful the journal will be. I have one also and it keeps my head in the positives which helps my overall attitude. Keep up the good work!

Makes me realize I need to reevaluate and update my own goals...

[justjudy]

Does anyone else feel a fear that all the GAL stuff will just make H think that all is well, everyone is happily moving on, and his leaving was the right decision for us all?

I am finding lots of happy things about my new life - not because this is preferable to my marriage but because I am working hard at GAL, PMA etc to cope with the new life I am facing. I am determined to live a happy life come what may but that doesn't mean I am happy that H left.

I do fear that he will see me being happy, hear from my daughters that I am busy & happy & GAL...and then he will think oh good she has moved on so its all OK. I worry that he will think its OK to move even further away from our R without doing any work on his own issues or looking inside himself at all.

I guess that is where the goal setting helps. And my goals at the moment are mostly about maintaining a friendship. I know I can't expect sudden huge changes of heart, it doesn't work like that. And from what I read, if I am dealing with MLC i am still in early stages - 2 1/2 years in, 11 months post BD, still in Replay... But will friendship ever lead to anything other than amicable co-parenting?

The answer is time isn't it? And patience? And looking for progress in baby steps?

I just need something to give me confidence that I am on the right track. That my efforts are heading me in the right direction. But whats my direction? Is reconciliation the goal? Or being the best me I can be? Or does being the best me lead down the path to reconciliation maybe?

I have been reading lots of threads today so lots of questions tonight. I am feeling confused!

And just thinking and musing...D17 and I saw the movie "The Intouchables" a few weeks ago and we agreed that H would enjoy it. So D17 suggested it to him and they went to see it together. As the movie started she realised she hadn't told him it was all subtitled and she was woried he would be unhappy with that and started to apologise to which he replied "Don't worry, you are not responsible for my happiness". When she told me this I was surprised, it is an unusually introspective comment for H, especially when he clearly blamed me and our R for his unhappiness a year ago. I am hopeful that he is starting to realise that you find your own happiness within yourself rather than relying on others and then can extend that thinking to realise that therefore the source of your unhappiness is not external either but also within you. That would be a big step.

[justjudy]

Another thing ... As I was reading threads today... I think it was on the MLC forum... someone had written about what the MLC spouse is going through...there was a section on them feeling abandoned as children.

I thought of my H, adopted separately from his twin brother when they were two. His mother had already left and the boys were left with their dad. In the sixties, there was not a lot of support for single parents, especially single dads and he coulnd't cope so they were adopted. SEPARATELY!!! Abandoned by their mother and then abandoned again by their father. And abandoned by each other. And my heart just broke for that little boy. For both little boys. But especially for that little boy who has grown up into my confused, lost MLC H.

His adoption is an issue he has never explored and I think that perhaps he needs to.

[justjudy]

Bumping myself up coz I would really like some feedback on my earlier posts, I had lots of questions...

Journaling:
Feeling ok these days. I have been worrying about getting thru Xmas given that is the BD anniversary but I think I am going to be ok. My plans for Xmas are completely different to previous years...rather than going to my parents or sisters place I have organised a beach house down the coast from Xmas eve for a week. Family will come down for Xmas day, good friends are staying nearby, and I have extended invites to just about everyone to visit. My girls and I are all really forward to it.

I have decided that life is too short to be unhappy and that I have wasted enough time this year bring unhappy. I am not wasting any more time. I choose to be happy.

[justjudy]

So the new year looms. Spoke with my IC yesterday and she told me how the new year can sometimes be unexpectedly difficult. I am in a pretty good place these days but took her advice on board and thought I would share. Basically she said don't try to avoid it, don't go to bed early and wake up to just another day. Acknowledge and mark the transition. Unpack the year, decide what you will take with you into the new year, and put the rest away. Don't leave things unresolved or swept under the carpet.

I thought this was good advice. Unresolved issues can certainly come back to haunt you.

I have been reading an amazing book by an amazing guy Nick vujicic. He was born with no arms or legs but travels the world speaking about happiness, gratitude, loving yourself. It has really resonated with how I am thinking these days. Sure life is not perfect or what I expected but its still pretty cool. And I choose to be happy. Feelings are just temporary reactions to situations, they don't have to be the guiding light for your decisions. Your actions and choices don't have to be controlled by your emotions. Choose to act based on the life philosophy you have within you, your own standards of truth and integrity forged through living a life and based on what you have found to be true and authentic.

As I align myself more truly with my own personal life philosophy I find that what H is doing or choosing matters less and less. I still find some of his decisions unacceptable but I understand they are outside my control. My goal is still R but I can see that could take a while and I think the wait in limbo will be less stressful and bewildering if I can feel good about the type of person I am and have a better idea,about what I want from life and any future relationship.