A newcomer's story

[AnotherStander]

I would love some feedback just to get an idea of the thought process I'm dealing with.

In that particular case he was probably just trying to avoid the embarrassment of disclosing to a complete stranger that you already are separated. I wouldn't try to read too much into it, he was just trying to churn out a polite response. As for the whole thought process in general, WAS's are typically confused and even in turmoil internally even though they may seem calm and collected on the outside. Most are in pain over their choices and constantly questioning themselves. This often results in them making contradictory statements. That's why the one DB rule says to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Also, did I do the right thing just letting it go with no comment or should I have challenged him? Thinking for next time.

No response was the right approach.

He just texted me asking me over later in the week for a coffee, its his weekend with D10. I didn't know how to reply!! Eventually I replied with 'thanks, maybe we can work out a suitable time later in the week"

That's a great reply. You implied that you have a busy schedule and that you need to work out a time for it. Perfect. What you don't want to do is come off sounding needy/ anxious like "oh yes, I'm available any time on any day, just let me know!!"

So whats that about? Its like he wants me to be his friend, sure we get along good - the way I see it tho is we are not friends, this is not friendship, its the remains of a marriage.

It's just coffee! Don't stress so much over it. Just go and don't have any expectations. Maybe he wants to talk about something or maybe he just wants to reach out to you a little. There's no harm in it either way.

So do I go over for coffee or am I busy???

I would go. If he starts asking you out once a week for coffee then do be too busy to go now and then. The DB rule of thumb is if you're invited then go to some and be too busy for others. You want to be available, but within the context of moving on and GAL. It's important to be mysterious so he wonders what you're up to.

On a positive note I think I am seeing some clarity with regards to 180s. At fist the idea seemes a bit artificial to me, like I needed changing to suit H, with a motivation that was a bit manipulative. However, what I am now coming to see is that the process needs to involve thinking about behaviours that you can 180 to improve yourself as a person and therefore will lead to a better future for me.

Yes, exactly. You start doing 180's to get your spouse back, but at some point you realize they are as much for you and your future R's as they are for your spouse.

Regardless of whether that future ends up being with H or not. Self development not change just for the sake of change. In a lot of ways, we are being given a unique opportunity to stop and take stock of our lives and life philosophies. To work out what is really important to us and decide what kind of person we want to be moving forward. I get to evaluate and improve on the 'past me' to make a better 'future me'. Thats really empowering and exciting.

Very well said When you get to that point then the 180's become easy, and eventually they're not 180's anymore but just part of you. I wish everyone could come to the same realization as you, because at that point your DB'ing is a success story whether you reconcile or not.