A newcomer's story

[labug]

Its just that this week my head was sent spinning again!! I've been focussing a lot on my career and got invited to go with my CEO to my first conference (great validation for me!) H has been very pleasant so I asked him if he could have D10 for the three days. He was very supportive, seemed pleased for me about the conference so all good, D10 and I dropped round on Wed morning before school to drop off her stuff. So we are standing at the end of driveway - H, me, D10 and D10s suitcase. An older couple walked past, said a cheery good morning then obviously noticing the suitcase the guy laughingly says "she's not kicking you out is she?" To which H cheerily replied "not yet!"

It's just one of thoseautomatic, ha-ha, throw-away responses. Keeps things on a superficial level. Don't read into (mindread) anything. I don't think men are as attuned to those subtleties as women are, generally.

Congrats on your career ramping up!

There's a bit of a pattern...he does carry on as if nothing has happened. All good, let's be friends and carry on. He took months to tell his mother, its not on the radar at his work and its not on the grapevine in our community. It's like he doesn't want anyone to know that beneath the superficial pleasantries all is not as it appears. Let's be honest, he can't even acknowledge that openly to me!! Is it guilt? Confusion of his MLC fog? Fear of consequences? Avoidance? Support 'good guy' self image? All of the above?

I think you've about got it covered

My H is much the same. We went to a doctor's appt for one of our sons and as I wrote in a post here, anyone who observed us would have thought we were still married and ...happy!

The less they can think about what's going on the better because it creates anxiety. If others knew, they might question his actions and again he would have to think about it and the anxiety is back

There's my 10 cent version.

Also, did I do the right thing just letting it go with no comment or should I have challenged him? Thinking for next time.

Let it go, there's nothing to be gained by confrontation about little things as it probably makes him anxious and he will then blame his feelings on you. Again.

And now I have another question. H is moving to a new place as his lease ran out. He just texted me asking me over later in the week for a coffee, its his weekend with D10. I didn't know how to reply!! Eventually I replied with 'thanks, maybe we can work out a suitable time later in the week" So whats that about? Its like he wants me to be his friend, sure we get along good - the way I see it tho is we are not friends, this is not friendship, its the remains of a marriage. And the reason the remains are good is because the marriage was good. So do I go over for coffee or am I busy???

I think I would be "friendly" and decline. He doesn't want to be married to you, you're finding your own life, moving forward.

Or tell him you'll drop by for 15 minutes and make sure it's only 15 minutes. Make sure you have somewhere you "need to be."

I am now coming to see is that the process needs to involve thinking about behaviours that you can 180 to improve yourself as a person and therefore will lead to a better future for me. Regardless of whether that future ends up being with H or not. Self development not change just for the sake of change. In a lot of ways, we are being given a unique opportunity to stop and take stock of our lives and life philosophies. To work out what is really important to us and decide what kind of person we want to be moving forward. I get to evaluate and improve on the 'past me' to make a better 'future me'. Thats really empowering and exciting.

You've got it, Girl!