Dropping the rope is a phrase that we use around here. It means letting go completely and living your life as if he/she will never return. When we try to hold on to what once was, it hinders us in our healing process as well as it keeps us tied to the mlcers and their drama.
Drop the rope and let go!
OK. Now is this the same "as if" that I have seen referenced? Because if it is, well I have totally gotten that one backwards.
Anyway, "holding on to what was"? Gosh, that is NOT appealing to me. What "was" was NOT terrific.
But thats beside the point. Please, tell me how I am doing that? It seems I'm not seeing the forest for the trees here...
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
One of the coined phrases here is "when in doubt, do nothing". What that means is if you aren't sure about an action, sit on it a while and the anwer will come as to how to handle the situation. It does not mean waiting something out for a long period of time. Sometimes the problems resolve themselves on their own and others require further research and not a gut wrenching reaction.
Waiting for someone to come out of their crisis could take forever. Some may surface in a couple of years, others 3-5 and then there are the ones that love the crisis so much that they remain stuck forever. You do not want to try to wait out their crisis.
Dropping the rope means to let go entirely and live your life to the fullest. It means that you go on w/your life as if they have died or gone to live on another planet and you have been forced to live your life as a widow/widower. It means that you don't have expectations and you learn how to not react to what they say or do. You do not put your life on hold for them because life moves along and each and every day things change. If you put your life on hold or wait for them, you may lose out on the most precious times of your life. You have so much to give and there is so much to learn and you do not want to remain where he left you...dropping the rope is accepting the fact you need to take care of yourself, rely on yourself and have faith in God. Sometimes what we ask of God is not what God give us. He gives us what we need.
Dropping the rope was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn years ago, but once you let go, the world opens up to you and you begin to see life a bit differently. You see the light of day and do not fear the world. I was once told that I had nothing to fear but fear itself. Many people think that if you drop the rope, you've lost all chances of reconcillation. Not true. There have been a few people I know that dropped the rope and when they did, the dynamics of their situation changed and the changes were for the better.
The decision is yours as to whether you want to "wait" this out or continue on your journey and discover the world. No one is saying you have to kick him out or divorce him, but you also don't have to "wait" either. What you can do is live your life as if you are flying solo, experiencing everything that the world has to offer. If he should wake up, he will need to paddle double time to catch up w/you because you will have experienced far more in the world than he has during his journey. He will need to prove himself to you and earn your trust and loyalty back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
URWorthy, Cat, Cadet and Snodderly, (and everyone else who has weighed in!)
First, thank you all so much for taking time out of your day to communicate with me. This is a busy time of year and it is awesome you still carve out time to help on the DB boards. I'm sure you all are earning your wings.
Second, I want to thoughtfully consider everything you have said to me. There's much wisdom and I need to carefully read and reread.
Third, I think there's a good chance I'm not here to save my marriage. I am of the understanding that as long as that is only a "thought", as long as there is the "shadow of a doubt" about that decision, that I should not "ring the bell", or act decisively.
Fourth, I have a busy day today and cannot properly address these latest communications.
But I will attend ASAP.
Thank you again for your consideration.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
mrsrjd, It's okay. There are some people who came here searching for answers and may not be here to save their marriages. There is quite a bit of wisdome on the boards and even if you opt not to save your marriage, you are going to be okay. It's just a matter of deciding for yourself the question of when do you change the dynamics of your situation.
I will be honest w/you. I came here many years ago, searching for answers as to why my xh was acting like an irrational angry man. I got my answers, but I also knew that when he walked out the door the second time in a 7 month time period, there would be no coming back a third time. So, if you opt to end your marriage, don't feel like you can't come here for advice...we are here for you. You are still going to need support and that's what we all can provide to each other.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Third, I think there's a good chance I'm not here to save my marriage. I am of the understanding that as long as that is only a "thought", as long as there is the "shadow of a doubt" about that decision, that I should not "ring the bell", or act decisively.
Save yourself first. When you first get here you are told to put on your oxygen mask and breathe. Once you are in a good place, then making life changing decisions are much easier.
I know that post was not to me but I want to thank you for posting it Snodderly. I've often felt around these boards, that people are looked down upon for " Closing the door" too early and not fighting long enough for their marrage. Also not loving unconditionally.
I think I'm coming very close to closing that door. I was actually thinking I would probably just leave the board when I do. I'm thinking closing the door may very well be my New Years resolution.
I think it's what I may need to do, to protect myself and my children. I honestly can not believe I haven't already, concidering he has done so much that I would have considered deal breakers. I need to be true to myself and I don't know that I can take him back, after all he has done and still be true to myself.
Sorry to hijack the thread. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated hearing that.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
soul.searching, There is no need for you to leave the board. You are still going to need advice and support as you go through a divorce (if you opt for that). Also, mlc doesn't stop w/the divorce because the spouse is still in mlc and will try the patience of JOB. They are not like normal people who go on their merry way after a divorce. They are still emotionally tied to us and will continue to "knock" on our doors periodically for attention. As a wise elderly lady told me long ago, you will never totally get rid of an mlcer until they are 6 feet under". They are just like children who are a part of you for the rest of your life or the mlcer's. Funny, I can totally relate to that one.
Do what you must to save yourself, your family and your financial assets. If he is meant to return and become part of your family once again later on, God will show both of you the way. For now, God has other plans for the both of you...
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I want to echo Snodderly. You definately don't need to leave the board.
Only you know when it is time to close that door and only you know what you are able to forgive and live with. Each of us has our own "deal breakers".
She is also correct in saying that the MLCer, rarely disappears entirely from your life. I love the analogy that they are like children who are always with you and I can relate to that as well.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Also, mlc doesn't stop w/the divorce because the spouse is still in mlc and will try the patience of JOB. They are not like normal people who go on their merry way after a divorce. They are still emotionally tied to us and will continue to "knock" on our doors periodically for attention. As a wise elderly lady told me long ago, you will never totally get rid of an mlcer until they are 6 feet under". They are just like children who are a part of you for the rest of your life or the mlcer's. Funny, I can totally relate to that one.
Damnit. I unfortunately know you're right about that
That lady was very wise indeed. They become children and you become their "parent" and stay connected in some weird way.
As for mrsjd, I suspect you have found something out about the purpose of these boards that you may not have known. The boards are not exclusively about saving your marriage. Sure, that's what you think when you first come here. And in some cases it does. In some cases, we come here, read, wake up to the horrible things we were doing and repent of our evil and terrible ways we already knew about but didn't want to change.
I think for those on the mlc board especially, but all of them, it's really about saving ourselves. For those of us with a nutjob spouse (aka alien intruder), it's the equivalent of saving us from a drowning person we were once trying to save.
I don't think it's unreasonable to come to a point where we are very happy we are not "in the pool" with them any longer. Where we realize we don't want to save our marriage because it wasn't really something we could a) have and b) wasn't what we really thought it was.
It's not easy to let go. Habit. Social conformance (familial most often) and other factors play a part.
Figuring that out and standing up to them for ourselves is really all about saving us first. And like the swimming analogy, we really do need to save us first else all is lost.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
