Hello there, For once I have to disagree with the advice that has been given here. Adniva's 3 years was sarcasm, like wait three years to move your little finger, NOT !
Ok, to not rush things, in the romance/date/relationship realm, but 90 days, (three months)... come on. Bruce, I give you my word, I was pushing it with the 90 days.
IF SHE makes a move that's one thing, but for YOU to AGAIN EXPECT something to be given to you so fast,
shows how fast you revert to making the focus all about YOUR WANTS...again...
what changes do you think you've made? This reeks of the Bruce who first came here...what happened to the "I get it now...seriously"??????
I will let the feelings she has and the love remaining wither. HOW SO? THose feelings must be darn small and not very deep....
I think You'll finally be showing her that you are a good father, which you have NOT done yet.
And 90 days of that, a few times a week, is barely showing it...what do you think SHE will see that will so blow her away and impress her, that she'd want to reverse course completely and reconcile with you that fast???
W/the holidays coming, if there's a lot of chemistry between you two, you might even get a one night stand.
But if you have really read the book you 'll also know that's a "touch and go" and she'll withdraw the second she thinks you are taking things too fast
or taking her for granted...and that is what it sounds like you are doing now. Like I said, there is NO downside to taking things slow.
What's really ironic is that you missed HER MAIN POINT...the ONE thing you recalled her saying (b/c you were not listening b/c you were trying to guess what YOU should say or do next, instead of just HEARING HER OUT...)
was that SHE SAID to take it slow....but gee, that's NOT what you want so you'll ignore her wishes...
Any pattern here?
Then she can say, rightly, that I am really not interested in her, that I am lazy and uncaring. And she would be right. What are you talking about? That's the opposite. It would show patience and that you heard HER request for taking things slowly...stop being so selfish. You're supposed to want more time with your son.
I'm worried that what you ONLY want, is time with HER, and you accept that the son is part of the package...
and she'll see that too...
I say that by Christmas I should see some signs of improvement already, like holding hands, or kissing or something. It's not impatience, it's evidence that things are going in the right direction. Yes it IS impatience... and "Baby steps" are small signs we look for to see if there is evidence that things are going in the right direction. What you want is conclusive proof.
Reconciling is NOT a linear process Bruce. There are spurts and backslides and forward movements...
Baby steps... That would be her having a private talk with you that does not escalate, or sharing a laugh, or a meal with you and OR you having your son WITHOUT a chaperone....and a BIG STEP would be you two resolving a conflict together without one of you feeling abused...but you're not close to that.
I think you want too much too fast and you'll lose it b/c you have not learned the lessons you need to learn. That's clear.
OR we are all wrong and you are right.
Of course, I'll let the lead to her. Thanks, that is Good advice. How will you handle unmet expectations, which you seem to have? Prepare yourself.
Are you going to get angry or sulk or be gracious and happy she's even considering taking you back, IF She is?
As for getting more time with my son, it is precisely against the deal she proposed: give up the extra time I went to the lawyer for, against her dropping the D proceedings. You were NOT Clear about this in your post. You said she'd drop the petition for divorce if you dropped yours.
But IF she said to drop the petition AND THE REQUEST FOR MORE TIME WITH YOUR SON, then you are foolish to abide by that. What do you gain by it?
What reasonable objection could she have to you having more time with your son IF IF IF it's clear you want to be a good father?
How can I the next day, say : by the way, I want more time with Brucie?
What do you mean how can you ask for more time with your son??
How can you not??
Remember the story you told (cause I guess it IS a story, and not the truth)
about wanting to be "more involved in his life and teaching him French and changing his diapers and putting him to sleep and being an involved father"??
What the heck happened to THOSE WORDS? You said them less than 48 hours ago...
I know I have to show interest in my fathering him, and it is genuine. I so wish I wasn't forced to give up on him, I kinda accepted the death deal, either way, I lose. Stop lying, if only to yourself...
You are not forced. Stop playing the victim. You are not powerless. You still take the easy way out of things, and then blame others, and throw your hands in the air to feign helplessness. What a turn off.
So should I ask her to let him with me on Saturdays for example? Or one evening? It's kinda awkward now with this weird deal. Any suggestions?
There is NO weird deal b/c you signed nothing and I'm not sure what the heck you told her OR what she told you b/c you didn't listen OR tell us...
Even if you verbally agreed in the heat of the moment, tell her you reconsidered and YOUR PRIORITY IS MORE TIME WITH YOUR SON...PERIOD.
WHY IS THIS MESSAGE HARD FOR YOU TO CONVEY? ----
And yes, I WANT MORE TIME WITH MY SON. Regardless. Period. There's no marketing here. I am not more or less attractive with or without him, and for that matter I am not interested in someone else. I am commited to my W, she is the right one for me. I know this. We're just having a rough time adjusting. well that's putting it mildy. She left you. She did not want to see you. She moved away and took your son. She filed for divorce. She did not want you to be alone with your son, ever, and for almost 6 months, that seemed fine with you. Now it seems that a few hours a week with him will be just fine - IF she just doesn't divorce you.
How on earth does that make you look like a loving father who puts his son first? To me it looks as if you are saying "well now I have leverage, which i intend to you to blackmail you into a reconciling..."
aside from how see through that is, it's also not going to work b/c she CAN argue you are fine with a few hours a week with this boy, who is a virtual stranger to you...
I think you are losing your time with him on a short term basis AND ON A LONG TERM basis by so easily giving him up.
As for having the right tools and role model in M, I have to admit that I don't know who to look up to for a good exemple. But I'm a clever guy and I have studied the subject in depth with the time my W gave me as a gift. I can still read more books if I don't have it pat down. But I need practice, and that's why I need my W back first. cart before the horse
After all, she did pronounce the words : sort things out between us slowly. And since she said she would drop the D, technically, I am piecing. I went to my friends today to celebrate that.
wow...NO you are not in piecing even technically. That has NOTHING to do with the divorce filing or retracting it OR SAYING you will. It means CHOOSING to work on the marriage...THAT is "piecing" it together again and takes committment.
She is considering NOT DIVORCING YOU YET...
did you read my signature block ever? Dates...timelines...
He left in 2005. I filed for a sep in early '06, then We began dating again, Christmas '06, and then in mid 07 I withdrew the sep papers...
(after several months of dating) we decided to try to piece our marriage back together... we moved back in but while piecing and did not know if we'd make it. MIL got terminal cancer a few months after we moved back in together, so that's a real curve ball. But we've also been married MUCH longer than you, & with 3 kids my h loved intensely and whom the kids missed...so my motivation was much higher than your wife's might be.
So a year later, AFTER moving back in, we went to Retrovaille and we really felt we recommitted to the marriage fully. That's a TWO YEAR process towards a restored marriage, AFTER a TWO year separation...
your timeline made me laugh and shake my head, but then I thought, "OMG that's sad actually."
So I'm posting to you again in the vain hope something someone says,
gets through to you.
Your wife has not. You are already "celebrating" your victory...
but I fear that by dropping the issue of time with your son SO easily, you;ll lose her AND the boy.
tell me what do you think you have learned here? How will marriage to you be different or better than before?
How are you going to SHOW HER that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
