A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

I am preparing for first property settlement mediation session tomorrow and finding the idea tough. I can't believe we are even here considering this. I still forget sometimes that we are not still a happy couple. I tortured myself looking back through old messages on my phone today and this day last year H sent me a photo of himself and D17 with a message saying "We love you". And here we are a year later working out to divide up a lifetime of everything we have build together from nothing. It feels like my un-wedding day.

Where we are, can't divorce until 12 months post separation but can work out settlement / child custody & support etc anytime. We have headed down the path of mediation rather than the court system - I think this will be better, less adversarial and confrontational. However it means I am on my own, sure there is an independent mediator, but I will be relying solely on me. I have seen a lawyer so feel as ready as I will ever be but i don't think I will ever be ready.

I am guessing if he is moving property settlement along he will be moving onto divorce as soon as he is able to do so. Which means any time after March 1st I can just receive a letter in the mail telling me I am divorced and my marriage will be officially over. That will really feel like my un-wedding day. I feel so discarded and disposable. And so easily replaced.

I am trying to think 'business' - take care of me and my children. One friend at work said to me today 'You didn't deserve what you got, so now you deserve whatever you can get" That did help put me into a better space. But emotions keep getting in the way.