The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[mamabird]

Floyd,
Thanks for sharing your sitch.

Mine is similar, although I am the W who had the A. Currently we are kind of where you were at first - W begging and pleading and my H has the anxiety/trust issues. This is our second go round with breach of trust and it wasn't really resolved the first time.

She may have a lot of guilt around your anxiety. I know that I had so much guilt around my H's anxiety that I simply could not deal with it and just completely shut down around that subject. He felt rejected/neglected that I couldn't be empathetic to his anxiety, and it made everything worse. She simply may be unable to be there for you on that because she caused the problem. It's unfortunate but probably true.

Sounds like she has guilt on the trust stuff too. Face it, she was dumb to have an A. It hurt you, it damaged your marriage - and now she's at risk for losing everything. (I can say this because I'm living it). However, she doesn't sound like the type who is willing to really dig deep and admit her faults, so her best option is out. Yes, I totally sympathize with your W and I agree with what others have said - women have A's because they feel emotionally neglected, not because they are looking for sex. But what have you done to NOT make her feel emotionally neglected?

Yes, you're justified in not trusting her. And it's good you've owned your portion. Not sure why she decided to cut and run though (other than her own guilt)... it sounds like you've done more than your share of work to resolve the issues (My H couldn't get through After the Affair and hasn't accepted any portion of the blame for the A - he thinks I'm 100% wrong and is very punitive).

I'd say think of her as a teenager. You know how they say that if you want your kids to talk to you, don't pressure them? Just hang out with them? Same for your W. Just create a neutral space for her. It's hard to back off esp when you see your M crumbling, but I believe this is what you must do. Be that amazing H, GAL, do your thing, move forward as best you can, but keep the light on for her.