He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

Regret, did you read that co-dependence book? You seem to be spending an awful lot of energy worrying about what H is doing or not doing.

I never thought of myself as co-dependent, but when you mentioned this, I looked it up, and it looks like our R might have morphed into a co-dependent R. I wouldn't say that I innately have those needs or tendencies but I can see it in our M now that you point it out. I will ask my IC about this on Weds.

When are you going to start taking your life back?

This is exactly what I'm struggling with and it's very difficult. I could just say, F it, walk out tonight and have "my life" back tomorrow. Clearly though, it's not that easy, and it's not what I want to do. I could storm the MBR, say, "This is my bed, I'm sleeping here," but that would just reinforce all the negatives for H. Not a good strategy either.

I could just choose to accept all the BS that's going on, which is what I have been doing. That's probably best from a DB perspective, but I am dying inside and I am sick of living this way. It is just too hard to do. It is too hard to try and try and feel like nothing is working. Trying is now becoming a cheeseless tunnel. Every tunnel is ultimately cheeseless, that is the problem. There is no cheese. I think the title of my next thread should be "No cheese for me."

So, my uprising, although it's probably not good DB and yes, it's pursuing, was borne out of utter desperation to get my life back. In the past, I wouldn't have pursued or asked H to change, I just would have done something passive aggressive, which is of course worse.

Like you, I often wonder whether our M as it stands is better or worse than a D. All I can say, is that at some point, something will tip the balance--either something to do with him or with me.

I think our balance got tipped when I had that EA with OM2, and I was the one who tipped it. I needed something to change and unfortunately I really went about it wrong. There may be no recovering from this choice.

I will say that H has been a little more pleasant today. He knows that I am on pins and needles and I sense that he's trying to be a little more gentle on me. Tomorrow we have MC and I think that I'm finally ready to get a few things out there in front of our crappy therapist.