And you're right about there being no cost to dreaming and thinking. I should try to do more of that I suppose, try to look beyond day to day survival.
It is sometimes hard to do more than look beyond the day to day survival.
I will tell you though, that is what leads to all of the negative feelings that you are experiencing right now. It helps to keep us stuck.
I know you got a job that you aren't really happy with. The positive in it is it is a job right now. One of the guys I work with says it is easier to find a job when you are employed than when you are unemployed. I do believe he is correct. So keep looking for what you want. Use this as a stepping stone in a sense.
Originally Posted By: Mrs
And I am "waiting" more or less. Just trying to make sure that the wait doesn't destroy more of me.
Setting "boundaries" is not what I am good at. Not been my habit. H is VERY controlling. When I state my case he tells me if I can't continue as he wishes, then I can leave. But there's no place for me to go. And if he leaves, I can't pay the bills. I feel like I am on a leash.
Only you can undo that leash.
It is a feeling that many of us can understand.
You call your H controlling and I don't doubt that you feel he is. Just like I don't doubt he feels you are, simply in different ways.
Stating your case, is going to lead to him telling you to go...it is part of the process.
Originally Posted By: Mrs
I do have the feeling that the sands are shifting - H's casino trips are becoming more frequent, he talks with his parents more often and I know he wants to go there more often.
So "something" is bound to change. And at this point I'd have to say that it will be for the better, because it seems pretty grim as is. Though I suppose it could always get worse and I'd best be careful what I ask for.
Please don't hang your hat on these changes. We never know which way the wind is going to blow.
What I see here, is you waiting for some change with him to make some improvement in your situation.
What Urworthy was trying to say, what I too will try to say...
Mrs, you are in charge of your life and your happiness. Your H is not in charge of that. Yes his behavior can enhance or take away from that, to the degree that you allow him to. But he isn't responsible for it, you are.
So many of us come here, lost, hurt, and believing that the state of our M determines the happiness level of our lives. We believe that if our S changes something, or we change something, that that will be the key to our happiness.
It isn't.
I am currently watching the 30+ year marriage of my aunt and uncle fall apart. Uncle blames aunts drinking. Aunt blames uncle not spending enough time with her. He won't spend time because she drinks. She drinks, because she is depressed and lonely. He feels she should stop drinking and he will spend time with her. She believes if he spends time with her, she will stop drinking. They are on the verge of separation if something doesn't change soon. Two people, who were great together. Two people, who had the same dreams. Two people, who I never thought would split up. At a stalemate. Involved in a waiting game.
While it may seem counter intuitive, I believe if my Aunt can find her own happiness, find purpose (she gained weight and began drinking more after her youngest went off to college), start feeling better about herself, there is a really good possibility that my Uncle will begin to want to spend time with her again. I don't believe all of the problems lay with her, however, I know that change has to start somewhere. And I know that my Aunt is being unfair to my Uncle by putting the responsibility for her happiness and purpose in life onto his lap.
Mrs, dreams can become goals. When you have goals, you work to find ways to achieve them. They don't have to be huge dreams either.
I have always wanted a beautiful laundry room. I know it sounds stupid but it is true. After a year of looking at the one in my home, thinking about what I would like to do in there, I went out and bought some paint. That spurred my BF to begin to build shelves. In the last week, I have begun to see the dream of that laundry room come to fruition. It is still a work in progress but within a week or so, it should be just about right. For me, that makes me happy. And I know that it will fuel other dreams, that will eventually become goals, which will eventually be achieved.
It took me, stopping the talking and taking action. Not anyone else. I didn't expect the shelves, that is a bonus.
Those are the steps to making your life what you want it to be. That is what Urworthy was trying to say.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I don't understand, is there something I'm doing to prevent him from this walking?
You may not like what I am going to say, but take it or not.
The LBS leads the way in this journey, don't ask me why it works this way but it does. It was something that I really struggled to understand how something that I did or did not do could even have any effect. But it does work this way. And it is all counterintuitive, so that leading may not be what you are thinking. You have to get out of the way, and drop the rope. That is leading. Not begging, pleading, bargaining and waiting.
Go back and re-read the stages of the LBS. They resemble the stages of grief and there is no avoiding them
Thank you for your responses. I am rushed for time right now but will return to mull and ponder ASAP.
Cat,
good to see you again. (My calico returned a couple days ago, it actually prompted me to wonder if you too were due for an appearance lol.)
I am continuing to look for a different or second job. A lot of my dissatisfaction with the fast food job is me beating myself up for bad choices 20+ years ago.
RE: stating your case...
Is this what you suggest I do then?
I am sorry to hear about your Aunt & Uncle. Marital troubles are painful from both the inside and the outside it would seem.
A beautiful laundry room.... lol. I see what you are saying, to find something that fulfills me, and that the something doesn't have to be a "step" towards anything more than delivering what makes me feel good. (Personally, I would like to set fire to my laundry room.... but that's prob not really advisable.)
Right now the only goal I have is to get through to the new year without further disruption to the kids. They are aware in varying degrees that something is up. While the days pass by I have a feeling that I will begin to see some sign posts as to where I want to head.
Cadet,
What exactly do you mean by rope?
IDK to take this as throw caution to the wind and tell H what "rules" I have to set for my own sanity - even if this results in him leaving or making me leave? (The rope here being one of dependency...)
I have not been "begging, pleading, bargaining" that I know of. I don't ask H to stay. I suppose by allowing/following what "rules" he has set could be construed as "bargaining" maybe?
But re: the "waiting", isn't that sort of what a lot of DB is about? Isn't that what Snodderly advised? (I realize each of you could/would have dif opinions/interpretations of how to best DB)
Perhaps I am just to dense to correctly decode the symbolism.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Dropping the rope is a phrase that we use around here. It means letting go completely and living your life as if he/she will never return. When we try to hold on to what once was, it hinders us in our healing process as well as it keeps us tied to the mlcers and their drama.
Drop the rope and let go!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No I am not saying you should state your case. Because the results will not be the results you want.
Around here we try not to ring bells that can't be unrung.
What you need to do, is accept that right now, his response if you were to say it, would probably be "go" and until and unless you are ready to do that, say nothing about it.
That being said, you can begin to "unleash" yourself, by worrying less about what he does or doesn't do and focusing more on what YOU want to do. For you. For your kids.
So a goal for yourself? Do you sew? Want to make someone a blanket for Christmas? There is still time.
Set the laundry room on fire? Why, to get rid of the laundry or because its ugly? If its because of laundry...your kids are old enough to do their own, your h is capable of doing his own. Teach them and only do yours and household stuff. It will feel strange at first.
If its cuz its ugly? Get a Pinterest account and search laundry room makeovers and start dreaming, I have boards for house stuff, food I want to try, places I want to go, I even found a cool resort where you stay in an igloo. Someday I am gonna go there...
Posted for Cat04 She said I am not at a computer, from cat to mrs rjd...
and I'd best be careful what I ask for.
