MLC w/Depression...withdrawing!

[NLW]

[i]
I have had to let L burn away with my anger, or dig it down so deep, because I can't handle the obligations that it comes with.

He expresses how his failures in life's efforts for us, have turned into rage, and he has reached his limitations for how high he can take this family, so he's going to take this rage and die trying.

Just don't expect him to be the way he was because "that" guy failed, lets see what this a$$whole can do, rage is his motivator

Dawn, Hearing what your H had to say has again led me to some insight into what goes on with these guys.

The above fits my stbx pretty much exactly. He has said he's a failure and an a$$hole and has ruined our lives. He believed it was because he was 'too nice', 'too moral' in his business dealings and got taken advantage of again and again. He vowed never to be like that again.

What worries me is that he'll never feel right about himself again until he 'achieves' materially. And realistically, that is unlikely to happen.

Still, your H seems to be having major insights, so maybe he will pull through this and come out the other side a better man.

Thanks for posting all of this - it really helps.
Best, NLW

[albamarie]

He believed it was because he was 'too nice', 'too moral' in his business dealings and got taken advantage of again and again. He vowed never to be like that again.

What worries me is that he'll never feel right about himself again until he 'achieves' materially. And realistically, that is unlikely to happen.

Exactly how my H feels to the core of his being. Never, ever, ever, will he be the good guy again, why should he, being good got him nowhere while a$$wholes have moved ahead of him in "all" aspects of life.

Your right achieving material "showings" is his goal as well, he vows to one day slap $70,000 on my table to make up for our loss in equity, and in the same breath says, I know this is all stupid!

Then he calms down saying that holding on to his anger, and ''asswholism'' is how he prevents himself from going back into depression. Now that helps really me see the truth behind the curtain.

He has been mentally marking the last days of dep. and how often it returns. As it dwindles he is attributing it more and more to the fact that his anger is the magic pill.

He says through the anger he smokes, acts rebellious to God, and enjoys the sneak around when he hangs w/ea. Doesn't let his "weakness'' of L for me, or family or rules dictate the angry evil he needs to avoid ever being taken advantage of again.

He does believe as long as he works and isn't having a PA I should leave him alone. I don't have a problem with that, he will one day have his consequences to face and maybe even find he lost his family, he vowed to not loose.

your H seems to be having major insights, so maybe he will pull through this and come out the other side a better man

I really don't understand why my H is such a jabber jaws about all this...he really does talk a lot. Maybe he's manic...the C said his mind is just moving way to fast.

Your words to God's ears...I don't think so though, he speaks with such conviction and certainty. I would be interesting to hear from someone who's S spoke out during this and if it made any difference.

After he enlightens me or anyone else with what's in his brain he sometimes says, I'm enjoying screaming this out! Release, narcissism, manic, crazy, whatever it is he's convinced.

Thanks, NLW we are definitely stronger than we know!!!

[albamarie]

H had a faux pas, Freudian slip! He took off of work last night to hang out with me, really seemed to want my attention, fun. flirty, and strangely hungry, after having 2 wks of rebellious starving.

He was intently looking at a paper, really contemplating what he was going to do with the information. I made a joke saying: your really into that page, he laughed confirming it was very interesting and did not want to put it down to start the movie just yet.

I reached over asking for the lighter in his other hand when he gave me the paper, I looked at him laughing - he realized his mistake, then laughingly he said "see that's how much ILY I was going to give up reading my page"!

Ok! Not said in any context in which I would take seriously, but wow, for a moment it was so nice to hear! Tear!

[nero]

hey hiya-

yay for your h's inadvertant "spillage" of true feelings? I'm reading your posts & nlw and wondering about "it all". If I had to say - I would kill to have any kind of insight or window into my h's head & feelings. good OR BAD - ANYTHING that was real communication of feeling-thought- ANYTHING.... even if it was a rant or just verbal dumping- it would be something.

lucky you- i just erased my whole "letter" because , quite frankly- it's all junk. what the heck does it matter? and what the heck am i even bothering for? and I feel soooooo "done" today.

i dropped him at airport yesterday- he comes back on 23rd. - i honestly wonder - why he wants to bother???

i don't want to be all alone in life - I don't want to believe that our very good life together was all my own delusion - i don't want to throw in the towel one second before all hope is gone- BUT...

we "fight" because he's leaving town and he NEEDS to be sure i'm still a giant jackass before he leaves town- so he can go tra la off to his "great life" without guilt. he is not aware one bit that he "acts differently" and precipitates it. i am also ultra-sensitive -

we are truly a couple jacka_ses

and he wonders why he has ed with me? foolish man-

i'm going to get out of here rite now because i am a giant drag - and everything i say, then re-read, is total crap and will bore you into a coma - no kidding - i don't even want to hear myself- as usual i have a million things i should be doing so i think i will.

maybe i'll go find the box of vintage and really gooney christmas stockings i've collected over the years and hang them on the stair railing. they always entertain me. i'm such a sap for the 50s and my youth & remembring happy times. oh well- guess i'm lucky to have that to say- how good it was when i was a kid! yay

xxoo hope your day is good - hope all good things and enlightenment for your H and maybe the anger is better than the depression? one can only hope-

[mirage]

dawnmarie,
I read most posters on here but don't post much unless I think its relevant.
I have gone through MLC myself and live to tell about it similiar to AmyC who describes it perfectly.
At first in the depression of MLC you are not even asking the right questions so getting a right answer is not even in the cards. Your a floundering mess on both ends of the equation. Both reason and the answer to all this pain is totally missed by you.
Your husband has gotten to understand that he is in pain, and looking for answers. The understanding that there is a reason for all his pain is a step in the process. This step is not even taken by some MLC's and they remain lossed.

The next step for him is to hopefully get the right answer and then after that make amends with himself and fully understand what he was supposed to learn.

Most MLC's will put power in something tangible thinking this will get them the rest of the way through. More energy in a job, money, rebellion, making up for losses etc, etc, etc and the list can be endless.

One day hopefully the answer will appear to him and will realize that all the things he is putting power in is useless and that he is complete the way he is. That life is what it is. Its called acceptance. Acceptance to forgive yourself. Then the anger goes away. The need for his a$$wholism as he calls it goes away.

He is on the right path. My hope for you is he will find the answer that will bring him back into balance with himself.

This is his journey to make. You are doing great. Do not take any of this personally. Take care of yourself.

My only wonder these days as I read the board is why some human beings go through this crises to such a degree. The only answer I can come up with is that its an internal mechanism built into our pschy(soul) that gives us an opportunity to become whole, balanced and content in life.

Those that get the opportunity come through this as wonderful complete human beings. Those that do not continue on a path of destruction to themselves and those around them.

I wish you the best and hope your husband continues his journey through this whole MLC mess.

Mirage

[nero]

hiya dawn-

i have a question for you- IF your h became an okay guy to live with- but kept the ow- could you do it?

what does

[justjudy]

Dawn, I just wanted to let you know how useful and interesting your thread has been for me. I just read this whole thread and think you are amazing. Your sitch is sooo confusing, your H giving a running commentary must make your head spin. Im guessing that constant intense interaction makes it really hard to detach. There were quite a few things that were familiar to me ...home feeling like a trap, working hard to provide $$, telling me I am a good person and this is not about me but him. My H left only a few months after BD - those few months of limbo were just sheer hell and while I was devastated when he dud leave, I was eventually able to get back up and live life, detach, GAL, work on myself in that calmer space. I don't know how I would have managed all that if he had been living here all that time, like you have coped with. It does sound like you H is moving through the MLC stages which, altho hard work and confusing for every one, is probably a good thing. Progress. Better than getting stuck. Who knows what the future holds for any of us. I just try to live life as is he is not coming back, altho ever hopeful it hurts to have expectations

[albamarie]

Well hello Mirage! I have to say that was some pretty good writing, and I thank you for dropping by.

I read your intro on your thread just to get a little idea of where your coming from and where your at in your sitch. Good to read that your in a better place for yourself!

MLC's will put power in something tangible thinking this will get them the rest of the way through. More energy in a job, money, rebellion, making up for losses etc, etc, etc and the list can be endless

All of the above (including the abuse from ea) is what he has put his hopes in to get him through, it's a real harsh way to treat ones self, but that is part of his self depravation.

I can see how this would be a very sensitive time for him as he is teetering on what he's done, what he's doing, and where will the idea's he has/had for what's next.

I am doing well at not taking the personality and really holding my ground. Honestly it seems to actually be exciting him a bit.

Please, stop by again to drop a few lines of your experience , like you I look for similarities good are bad all experience is something to learn from.

best, dm

[albamarie]

JJudy - Thanks for posting and reading! Oh yea, my H is very complicated and it doesn't seem like it will ever get easier.

H being home has it's up and down's, I honestly can't say which way would be better.

Stages, yes he is a poster child for the stages, and the spew. It's been like he read it from an MLC book on how to act and what to say.

No expectations at all. I don't even know what I want anymore so not sure what to expect. I just know that I don't want this and I want to get as far away from it as possible.

Best wishes for you and your sitch, everyday we move a little forward!

Thanks, DM

[nero]

hey hi -

so, we don't "quit" before the miracle -? I wonder what the "miracle" will be for either of us?

i feel like you that i cannot imagine what it is i want or expect or would like to happen. (i do know i don't like THIS either). if it stays this way- disconnected - i can't imagine the remainder of my life like this. seems kinda pitiful to squander one's caring on someone that does not appreciate it and does not understand what a "gift" it is.

this morning i think perhaps this man has never been the man i THOUGHT he was. who he TOLD ME he was - his values, the inner man. perhaps it's been lies for 35 years - perhaps my being happy was a product of my own personality & outlook - (and being delusional/foolishly trusting for allllll those years.) it's sad- it might be reality. very probably is.

now- if i view him like that - i wonder why i subject myself to this. the prospect of aloneness (totally) is very unappealing. (living allll alone- coming home to an empty house is not my fav.)

i've never been alone in my entire life really- big family - sister/sidekick a year younger- ex-husband thru school - h since i was 24 yrs old or so- i'm going to be 62 in feb -

yikes! as i say it- i think of allllll those years "attached" and wonder what the heck to think of myself all by myself. I am always busy- and i don't sit around crying - but i'm not feeling like my old "happy" self. i guess like everything &everyone else in life- it is what it is - BUT - WHAT THE heck is it????? wtf do i do with this information?

fa la la la la - la la la la

I am calm but on dangerous ground this morning. ever feel like this??? in middle of night a few days ago- watching public tv fund raiser-self-help dr. -

he was talking about personal happiness/mental health/brain "health" - and said he tells himself "i'm okay right now - and that is all anyone has - now" and this is how he destresses himself and stops worrying about future - or stewing about past -

whatt are you thinking this a.m.?

xxo