Welcome to catch-22

[25yearsmlc]

Salut!
After thinking, I guess you're right. Rushing things like asking her out for dinner or even suggesting that she moved in with me would show too much clingliness, and that's a turn off.

So, how about an email saying that I accept the deal only because I want to save M, but

say nothing of it until if and when she brings it up again. But for now, get more time with your son b/c you need it and tell her you want to learn how to be a father to him, one on one b/c you know your visits won't always be "supervised" and therefore you'd like some advice from her on the basics. Apologize for not knowing them already but you have had an awakening and this basic stuff is your way of taking on the responsibility you ought to have had before.

NOTHING is to be asked of her at this time, except parenting help...stress your fathering interests and let that soften her heart... No expectations of marriage or reconciling yet...

don't be so obvious that your real agenda is getting HER back b/c it may not work.

But you cannot afford to allow the present visitation to remain OR IT'LL look as if you are fine with seeing him a few hours a week and only used the court petition to blackmail her...

Do YOU WANT more time with him even if it's not with her? That's the real question...you posted elsewhere that you think you won't be as attractive on the market as a man with a child.

That's what you said...so I posed the question to you that maybe you could end your parental rights. Sure, you'll lose your wife and son but hey, if you want to be back on the market as a totally free man, that's the way to do it.

Naturally a lot of women will be turned OFF by a man who abandons his only child so he can feel freer to date...and

I hope you won't give your son up, but sometimes I am not sure what you goals are here.

Is it ALL about getting your wife back? And if you did, would you really continue to help with him?

reaffirming that I want to be involved in my son's life and suggesting an increase visit frequency?


"Suggesting?" NO, not a "suggestion" but a "respectful earnest request" that can become a demand if she's not agreeable.

Make sure you are CLEAR that you want/need more time with him. Period.

If she won't budge then you DO have to pursue visitation rights in court. I think you can make it clear and kind and loving and not escalate things BUT hey, she HAS to relent ---or go to court--- at which point you will get more time with him. Maybe not half, given your uninvolved level before, but you'll surely get more time than 4 hours a week, "supervised".

She probably knows this and besides, like I said, if you back off the request for more time with him, it's obviously not something very important to you.

Maybe this is a test; maybe not, but you need to pass it.

I can also ask that at my next visit, thursday, she show me how to change a diaper. Which I want to learn anyway.


of course... let it be fun/funny... an opportunity to bond and not be too proud...got it?

As for being the man I need to be, no worries, I learnt my lesson big time (it's been 6 months now, so I had time to think about all the situations were I acted selfish and disrespectful, and regret it, and be ashamed of it, and want to change my ways).

it is easier to know what NOT TO DO than to know what TO DO...in times of crisis/stress, we revert to what we know. Hence the need for TOOLS to use for new ways of relating.

So who are your positive role models for loving marriages? Who do you look to to see how a mature loving man handles life's stresses?

In a sense, her bargain keeps things exactly as they are (visits for me, and possibility of divorce in her hands...).


That is why it must change. Keep it simple Bruce. Don't address the marriage or money or anthing else for now. Her major complaint about you seems related to how little you did as a father or husband to her.

So Simply assert your rights and desires as a father, to have more time with your son. ASAP...let that lead elsewhere over time...more time than you think.

To even suggest she move back with you is...well...very very premature.

Let HER take the lead with you guys as a COUPLE but YOU take the lead as a father, or look lazy & uncaring and risk the permanent loss of time with your son.


What would be a good time frame to be as bold as suggesting to go out together? (not that I want to "test" her sincerity...)

A minimum of 90 days w/your consistently new behavior, before a date is requested- UNLESS she asks first...but Adniva's 3 year period might be more accurate.

Then again, you claim to be a patient man...