Well the girls and I had a wonderful night! D10 had a slumber party. My SIL stayed and visited for a while and then we had a guest show up just a few hours later that evening. I got to have a great visit with her mom too. The girls have had a great night and are having a good time.
This afternoon D's, D's cousin, SIL and myself are going to the local theater to see the play A Christmas Carol. Apparently SIL scored us free admittance!
I tell ya it's nice to start living life again. It's nice to feel the desire to want to re arrange my house, buy some new furniture, build a new stereo system, and just start new with some things. Nice to laugh and be silly. Great to have the real me and old me out and about.
OK... THIS TEXT PROMPTING THING FLIPPED ME OUT for a little bit. Now seriously... that's EXACTLY what I said to my best friend that was explaining to me how this works. This is no different than sending emails. Emails are probably better because you can print them out and that is instant documentation of the message, time and date that it was sent. And just because a person gets the email, or gets the text message DOES NOT MEAN THEY READ IT....Xh should know this better than anyone else.
Xh had admitted he doesn't always read emails through or didn't get certain emails. Which I think the latter is BS and is an excuse for not reading it.
I got worked up because this is stupid, but I calmed down soon, and once again just annoyed with it, like a hangnail or something. Unfortuneatly I just can clip XH off or file him down! Im also wondering what on earth his angle is with this, or why it's important he needs a flipping text message confirmed. He's well aware that I read and respond to texts.
MIL came by yesterday and told me Thanksgiving was akward being around XH and OW. MIL states they don't act like a couple, and didnt' even interact with eachother at the function. MIL said she was invited to their house Xmas day because OW's family will be there. XH didn't say a thing to the girls about this and found out through MIL/Grandma yesterday.
MIL expressed that she was relieved that OW does NOT pursue a connection with the girls because she has no morals or values hence her doing what she's done with her son. MIL also stated she frequently wonders what she did to make him so messed up, and wonders if the pellets that remain in his scalp are messing with his brain waves. She feels XH will snap out of it, but we both agree he made his bed he must lay in it, and he will get no help from us...though to a certain degree we do feel a bit sorry for him.
D13 expressed growing frustration with her father in regards to his extreme lack of communication and including the girls in his plans and activities going on when they will be with them. Though they accept they will be with him Xmas Eve and part of xmas day, they're feeling pretty akward about now having OW's family to deal with, people they don't even know.
My irritation....XH putting the kids in an akward situation where HE KNOWS THEY'RE NOT COMFORTABLE, AND ALSO WITH STRANGERS, and not even trying to talk to them about it, or explain what's going on, or even why.
Am I wrong for respecting my childrens feelings? Am I wrong for wanting to guide them and support them through things that may be difficult, akward, and strange?
Is this what you're supposed to do? Just be seen, not heard, and just be slammed into a family gathering and just hope everything will be ok?
I swear.... no I KNOW... XH is aware of ALL OF THIS, but he literally does not know what to do! I think what he's doing is applying his childhood experience being shoved into new people coming and going, and big family awkward dysfunctions, and thinking the girls will be happy as long as there are toys to entertain them or other kids to play with. Then if the kids are adquately entertained, they will then feel more at home, more acceptant and WANT TO BE WITH HIM MORE.
This I can understand because he and I were both only children and we both had the same experience. We wanted a big family and friends to play with. We were welcomed into it, and had warm invitations. There was no divorce, broken home or heartache from parents splittig up. Our mom's raised us, until our step dads came in and eventually wreaked havoc and scarred us both for life.
The family we created, was together. WE provided our girls what we didn't have and originally wanted. Our girls don't know anything but mom and dad, and family unit together. So this being shoved in their face is not comfortable. I just wish he had more respect for that, and knowing him the way I do he probably hasn't even taken that into consideration.
OHHH this gets so frustrating.
BUT..... Im going to let it go, because this is just the way it is. I will listen to my girls, validate, but encourage and support them communicating with their father, AND encourage healthy and at times STRONG boundaries with him too.
Ok well off to get these girls some chocolate chip pancakes!
Kimmerz, Glad to see that you and the girls had a great night. It's nice to see you living your life again.
About the "return receipt" function, I think you h wants control in any way that he can. In his mind, he thinks that if you get the message and open it, you are responding to him and you've openned the text. Little does he know that just because you open it doesn't mean you are reading it...you could very well indicate for later or delete. It's a control issue for him...I know, it's rather stupid, but look who you are dealing with...an mlcer.
It is BS because he is getting the messages...he just doesn't want to respond to them. Trust me, he's getting them.
Your MIL gave you the same description that I got from family members about my xh and his twinkle twat...they didn't act like a couple. In fact, mlcers and the op generally don't act like couples the way we know couples should act. They are companions, best buds/pals and f@ck buddies. The so called love that they have for each other isn't the true, deep, compassionate love that we have experienced w/another person.
I'm sure your mil was very uncomfortable around them. It shall prove interesting for Christmas for her! LOL! I'm sorry that your girls are going to be exposed to the ow's family at Christmas, but thank goodness it is only for a short period of time. Your xh is going to continue trying to drive the ow down their throats because he thinks he wants them to accept her. I don't blame you for feeling the way your do about the situation. Your girls need your support now more than ever. One positive, if your mil goes to their house, your girls will have someone they can talk to. What a mess.
Hang in there and enjoy the time you spend w/your girls. Your xh is missing out on all of the wonderful memories that you three are making.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
@Snodderly: I cannot stop laughing at the description you had for the OW and MLCr. And so very true. All the way down the line.
But I do think I'll be smiling for some time at the very well done use of words to capture that image.
Kimmerz, I've seen exactly what Snodderly is describing. To a "T" except OM and ex W. About a year ago I ran into them at the movies and saw that. Kind of reminded me of the foxhole romance concept, but was sad to see. They're married now, but I have little doubt it's any different. And even the part about MIL is the same. LOL.
For a long time after you are done and over it all, the MLCr will continue to pay super close attention to you and what you are doing. It's creepy, but it happens. H will always be far behind you in your growth as a compassionate human being.
I also agree - enjoy the time with the girls. They grow up so fast and need their mother to show them how. You're a great pick for that and a great example. Keep it up!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Snodderly, thank you so much for taking the time to give me your input and thoughts. It helps so much to be validated, and it still clarifies things for me that Im still working on.
It still just shocks me at times that for someone that wanted out so damn bad, is still so desperately trying to remain in control and stay so ever present and unforgotten in our lives. As hard as I hit rock bottom with horrific heart ache over all this, I now see that all along I've always been the healthier one through this ring of fire.
Im in a place right now where I've become completely exhausted from this all and am fine with really finally walking away. There is no need to talk to Xh, no need to fight, no need to do anything with him, other than confirm visitation dates and times AS NEEDED. Im too the point that if he just wanted to make these plans with the girls and they let me know, I don't care.
Another odd thing he does, is sit in the driveway up to 30 minutes before the girls are ready to leave for school. I witnessed it myself last week. He didn't know I was going to be home and showed up early Two days in a row. The girls made a slight comment about it before in the past but I didn't really pay attention to it.
I got to thinking that maybe he's really irritated that I didn't fight with him over thanksgiving, so his issue with the texting confirmation might be part of it. Who knows.
In regards to the MLCers companion ship, best buds/pals and F@ck buddies, this is where I have been so horribly confused in understanding this relationship. That seems like a very shallow relationship, and verifies how these people use eachother. I haven't been able to grasp this because I haven't lived this type of relationship in my life.
I had the true, deep and compassionate love with XH. We did have that at one time for a long time. Because we had that, I automatically thought that he was feeling the same thing for OW or why else would he just instantly shack up with her? Now I think Im understanding the logic here. They've worked together, share the one huge hobby together, why not live together and doink eachother at the same time? It's like XH and OW are children that parallel play. Not interacting with one another much, but in the vicinity of eachother entertaining themselves with the same interests, but amongst only to themselves. The primal urge hits and I guess that's the purpose of the porking.
Honestly I wonder at time if he really makes love to that woman or if it's a wham bam Thank you Mam. Or if he's complacent with her as he eventually became with me and her job is just to service him.
I still will not forget XH's reaction to me when I asked if he was going to marry her.Utter disgust at the notion. Yet no problem sleeping with her? MIL told me she made him promise he would not marry OW. XH just promised his mom he would never marry again period.
MIL also felt relieved to know that the girls would be there, so she felt a little better about going to Christmas. Otherwise she said she did not want to go, but wanted her son to know she does love him. I felt sad for MIL yesterday. Her heart has been so broken over this. We're just over a year and a half into this and now the family is speaking out more about it. They all now see OW for what she truly is and are having to come out of denial of what XH is too. They now like to complain to me about it all in disbelief. Though its kinda of hard to hear it from them, I realize that they're just now starting to take their rose colored glasses off and see WTH is really going on. When they say things, I just state my truth darts about it all. Sometimes I kinda feel like Im counseling the family over what he did to all of us.
Well many thoughts on the issue seem to surface with me as things become clearer and I grasp more of these concepts.
It's like XH and OW are children that parallel play
Now you're getting it. See why so many second marriages fail? That's at least one reason
Even if he does marry her, it will not be like what you had. You see now why you should not believe them when they say how bad it was? Why you, as the sane one should remember the good times as they were?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you AJ for letting me know Im on the right path here.
At this point I don't know what's worse. Knowing the truth and watching him live a lie, or being the one that's living the lie.
I think the Holidays are getting to me. Last year I was practically numb I was in such pain, kind of stunned I guess you could say.
This year Im excited about the Holidays like I used to be. I get into the spirit of Christmas and the magic of it all. But this year is bitter sweet. One one hand Im happy about it but the other Im missing so much of the good life I had with Xh at the Holidays. We loved Christmas, and would get giddy over shopping, planning, and working together as a team to get it done. I remember when he'd try so hard to think of something to get my mom, because they got into this exchange of neat little tools and gadgets every year.
Damn.... and I was doing so well. Im getting the urge to do someting stupid to take this pang from the past Im having right now. Unfortuneatly I know it would bring temporary pleasure only to have huge regrets later.
Kimmerz, my heart goes out to you. At the same time, I'm excited for you. Know why? You may not see it now, but you're finishing the grieving. It doesn't happen all at once and it doesn't happen as fast as we'd like. I go through some of that from time to time as well.
But like you, I have excitement again. I have joy again. I have things to look forward to. Oh, it's no bed of roses with some of the things I've had to deal with lately, but I am truly grateful for all I have and for my life. I know greater things are coming and I am eagerly looking forward to it.
I also know the pain and grieving doesn't go away quickly. Nor on a timetable. I can wait as long as I have to, but things are so much better these days than ever before it's hard to even think of the rest of it.
You are right on track, K. Keep it up and may you know God's blessings and peace this holiday!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh My AJ, I can't tell you what a relief that is to hear.
Perhaps Im finally circling the drain of grieving. It just feels like it's going to last forever. 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
Im struggling with feeling free from him. I still feel haunted by him and I don't know how to get rid of that. It's because Im aware he is watching me closely and still trying to play games, when Im really feeling ready to let go and jump off that cliff into the unknown, of a brand new life.
I guess it will just take a little more time for me to not notice these things. But when he's throwing fits when Im trying to talk to him like an adult, shunning his own children, sitting in my driveway for half an hour and now wanting return receits on texts messages, the message I firmly get is " Im still here and not leaving!!! You are still MINE!"
The only way I know how to free myself from being suffocated is to walk away break all ties. I sometimes really wonder if moving away so he's not so accessible to me and the girls would help. It finally dawned on me that if he were to move out of town I would feel so relieved.
So who's all on the Alt here? Do you get through it be going to the DB on facebook?
Kimmerz, You are going to be just fine. Grieving takes as long as it takes to heal the heart and soul.
As long as your pity party is temporary, it's allowed. I grow concerned when the party lasts longer than it should because, just as the mlcer can, you can become stuck. We like to see lbs moving along nicely at a slow pace.
Now you are talking...Chbristmas is 22 days away...time to get cracking and get stuff moving and shaking!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
