Thanks Barb. I'm really hard on myself. I do this to make sure I stay away from playing the "victim". Using the victim card to try to express my feelings was something that I did often in my life and in my marriage. Although my feelings were valid, i often kept in that state of mind. It made me extremely unhappy.
And I still fight it - especially during the holiday season. Now my 3rd Christmas season (1st-Bomb, 2nd - Separated, 3rd- Divorced) things are easier.. but it is definitely MY hardest time of the year.
It's my slow season at work and I turned down a 4 week job so I can spend the holiday season with my family. I know this is the right thing to do... not just for my mental health, but with my mom being sick - any holiday could be our last together.
But I'm delaying on buying my ticket home. I feel very indecisive..and am procrastinating on buying the ticket. I'm sure it has to do with the fact I haven't worked in a week or so, have no prospect of work and when I buy my ticket.. I am committing to pretty much not working this month - which will be a financial hit.
On top of the financial hit I am taking from my car going to sh!t. The savings are there - but if I'm honest - I'm a little freaked.
Which is some ways is silly. When the bomb hit I had yet to really be at a point in my career in which I could live on my own. At first, xw agreed to help me for a little bit whilst I got on my feet.. but that was short lived and - she started kicking me off of things, separating our accounts....
... and I never once went hungry. Never once wasn't able to pay my bills. I even made enough to go home last year for xmas, take my sister to Vegas, and plan a surprise visit to see my mom this past fall.
I need to stop freaking out. I'll be fine.. and if things get complicated - I'll figure it out.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
