Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part II)

[AnotherStander]

Journal update- I can't remember if I mentioned this but when W and I had our R talk I did mention to her that I felt she had been treating me pretty coldly since moving out. We talked about that a bit and ever since then she has been much kinder towards me. She even called before coming to pick up the kids yesterday and asked if I wanted her to bring me dinner. We ate at the table together for the first time in I-don't-know-how-long. Beyond that nothing much to report, we haven't talked again about Retrouvaille although I'm going to have to bring it up again soon so that we can sign up in time if she wants to go.

D16 performed in a parade Saturday, so W and I went to see her along with S9 and MIL. It was a madhouse, but we enjoyed it.

I took S9 and D16 Christmas shopping yesterday, we had a blast! D16 is VERY fashion-conscious and her tastes are starting to wear off on me. I ended up buying an Affliction t-shirt (over 60 bucks for a t-shirt, that is a 180 for me, LOL!!!!) as well as another very cool shirt with her input. Bought her some Rock Revival jeans for Christmas (140 bucks for crying out loud). S9 saw us enjoying ourselves so much that suddenly HE wanted to go clothes shopping, a 180 for him So we went to Macy's and found some cool stuff for him too.

I have problems with impatience also. Living with the unknown is difficult but it's an illusion that we ever really know what is in store for us day to day.

Absolutely! That's one thing I've learned in all of this is we simply do not control our destinies. We're just along for the ride. That's not to say we shouldn't try our hardest, but we just have to accept that things are unpredictable and we need to adapt when the unexpected happens.

I think the important lesson here for all of us LBS's is that no matter what the WAS says, no matter what they do, there is always a bit of ambivalence in their mind. It's just not that easy to make the decision to end a marriage, especially when the LBS is doing such a fine job of DB.

To me, this means time is on the side of those who hope to reconcile. Anything that buys the marriage more time is a good thing.

Time really is the most important factor, like Cadet always posts on new threads it's a "gift" to be used wisely. I really wish I had more patience, that's what is working against me.

Another thing to point out is that you should still not be believing anything she says or 50% of what she does.

Always a good reminder! I really think all I took away from our convo is that she's still confused though. I had convinced myself she was 100% done because that's what most of her actions said to me. I was surprised that she was still confused, and really surprised when she cried about it as she has shown almost no emotions for months.

It was a couple stories of people you personally knew and the amount of time it took for the WAW to want to R. Without putting a exact timeline on it, the possible R seemed to happen from 6 months to 2 years. So we are all pretty early into this, and if we truly want to save our M, patience, patience, patience.

Yes, quite right. Maybe I should get it tattooed someplace prominent, I've been wanting to get a tattoo anyway

The thing is, when I spend time with my X I can look at her and a lot of the time I wonder "do I truly love her enough?". Quite often I feel no strong need to hug or kiss her.

It's the same for me, in fact a couple of weeks ago I posted that I saw her in the grocery store and felt nothing at all. It was like seeing a neighbor, like I knew her, but felt nothing towards her. Then last week I looked at her at my house and her eyes just looked so beautiful. So I'm not consistent on that I guess!

-do I miss her spesifically
or
-do I miss the package deal. Being a family. Being with someone. More so now, when christmas is coming up.

To be completely honest I don't even think about missing her or why I miss her. Personally it's easier to detach if I don't think about those things. I do have feelings of missing her, but I don't dwell on them. But if I were to try to verbalize it, I'd say mostly I just miss her always being there. She was the rock I leaned on for so long, to have that gone is a very difficult transition. For much (or nearly all) of that 25 years I was her rock too, and it really feels bad to know that I'm not her rock anymore.

I guess you and your W have a somewhat platonic R as well, and maybe that contributes to feeling detached, even though the feelings are still there. Makes sense?

Yes, that is definitely a factor. It's hard to feel "in love" with someone who basically just acts like a casual friend. Some people can, but I guess I'm not wired that way. PT is my PLL and that's what really lights up my emotional attachment to someone. That said, I'm confident that if W decided to R then that would return pretty quickly. But the willingness isn't there.

AnotherStander,
Just wanted to say thank you for your support to all of us LBS on here.

It truly is my pleasure, and it helps me as much as anyone else

So strange how so many of us on here are going through the same "cutting the rope" feelings. I to wander if I have the same love feelings for W. After all the pain and suffering that you go through, and of course all the comments the WAS says. I do not know if I want to expose my heart to be ripped out again.

I think that is a huge part of it, it's self-defense! We drop the rope to close the door on the pain we're going through and to stop more pain from coming our way in the future. But as far as future pain goes, whose to say that if we hook up with another woman we won't go through it all over again? Now there's a thought