heeeeelllllppp!!

[MrBond]

"I am not being flippant about the advice, but I need to proceed with extreme caution here because I've given all effort to other programs and nothing changed."

Because YOU haven't changed. AND you haven't shown the patience or maturity to follow through.

"You simply do not understand the current dymanic between my wife and I."

We ALL understand the dynamic between you and your W. The only person who doesn't is you. Trust me, if you started following people's advice on here rather than doing your own thing, you'll see better results.

"I don't get why my wife gets to make all sorts of insults, but I can't defend myself?"

Because you're not 10 years old. The more you insult her back AND then tell her you want sex, kills ALL love for you.

"But this is what i mean when I say our marriage has been messed up for a while. It seemed that it was part for the course."

And likewise, it just takes ONE person to change everything around. If you treat your W with respect (especially in the hard times) she will reciprocate.

"I'm cutting back on the selfish attitude."

You should eliminate it completely and not just "cut back".

"However, I am torn between trying to do everything for my wife and being aloof and detached."

You don't need to do everything for your W and you don't need to be aloof. Just give her space and be friendly. Like how you should have been.

"Where is the balance?"

You have to figure out where that is.

"I want to pick up my work around the house and with the kids, but I know she takes a lot of pride in this. If I step on toes or mess up, she'll just get mad."

You're making assumptions. You can still be a good father and help around. Just don't get in her way.

"Should I ask her to teach me how to do the laundry or how to mop the floors the way she likes it? Or do I back off. I'm confused."

BAck off. Start by doing something small like making dinner. IF she asks why you're doing it, just tell her you felt like making dinner for a change. Just do something as simple as sweeping the floor to start and taking the kids out. Or just say that you were thinking of grabbing ice cream after dinner and take everyone. Just small gestures here and there.

"I know I should back off, but I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for everything I did and why the marriage is in this state."

Maybe you should write a simple note just so that it's out there. Write it here first so that it passes. Nothing over the top. Just a simple "I'm sorry". I think writing something is good because you're not going to ask for sex in it and you're not going argue with her and call her names.

"I also I did tell her she looked nice for work and I also asked if could drop the kids off at school. She looked at me real funny and asked why? I told her that I just wanted to."

That's fine. But don't BS. If you're going to do something make it REALLY because you want to and not because you want to have sex with her.

"She said that I could "earn" that back with trust. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that anyone have ideas."

It means what she says. She doesn't trust you. And she has a good reason and right not to.

"she doesn't know that I have a work around."

Case in point. You are still betraying her trust and you say you don't understand why she doesn't trust you? Get rid of the work around and stop snooping.

"I went a whole day without snooping though."

Get rid of the work around and stop snooping period.

"However, she seems to be guarding her phone when I am around and keeping it under a pass code."

Because she doesn't trust you. Get it through your head that trust is the main issue.

"I am also looking at local retroville programs. Maybe I can convince her to attend. It might be my only hope here."

STOP! STOP! STOP! Retrouvaille and every program in the world will not help you unless YOU CHANGE. You're still the same person who she's p*ssed at, so why would she want to come back to you?

You never did answer that question - why should she come back to you?