Making it work, for me

[Big Bruce]

Sweetbabyred,
I really empathize on the "I didn't see it coming" part.

Same thing here, thought I was good at reading people and all, sbam! fell on me and it was the last thing I would have suspected.

I don't know what to tell you except this : don't live in denial.
I tried to justify my wife's anger, bad mood, bad character and her decision to separate and D. My parents were right, she acts out of who she truly is, I have to take my pinky glasses off.
Your husband used to be a gentleman. That's right, used to.

They say that OW or OM cases usually are solved within 6-9 months. Why not wait for this amount of time, and see what happens? I mean, GAL in the meantime, but if there's a chance with your H, it's not going to be right now. More like, in a couple of months...

[sweetbabyred]

Bruce, I think I am finally coming out of denial. I spent most of the first year blaming H's depression and MLC for everything. But he is a grown man and knows what he is doing.

For the most part, he was still very nice to me and felt bad for needing to move on, until July of this year when the ugly side began to come out. Even though I've read on here that it happens, I somehow thought that our sitch was different.

Part of me will always love him and care about him. I do want him to be okay. Right now I don't respect him, so it would take a lot of major changes on his part to make this work.

But that's assuming H and OW break up and he'd actually want to try again. Who knows if that will happen? Right now my plan is to GAL, as much as I can between work and school, and do what makes me happy.

I've finally accepted that it's much easier to wish him well and pray for him when I don't know what he's doing with his life. Everything I find out just makes me wonder who he really is and what happened to the man I married. The time I spend worrying about that could be better put to use on other things.

[sweetbabyred]

Still no response from H about the money he owes me. I'll give him another day or two and then let him know that I'll have to cancel his car insurance if he doesn't pay. H may end up canceling my phone, so this could be interesting.

I might actually see H tomorrow. We both were scheduled for dentist appointments in the morning and I'm not sure if he canceled his. I hope that he's either canceled or shows up. If he no-shows and I have to explain his behavior, I'll be annoyed.

Best case would be that he does show up and has a check for me with at least some of the money he owes and my Christmas ornaments. I'm not going to hold my breath for that.

I'm going to make sure I look awesome first thing in the morning just in case he does make it. Can't hurt to let him see what he's missing. I know I'm better than a 22 year old Hooters girl and I need to act like it.

I talked with MIL this evening and I think something is up with H. She just sounded a little off. I have a pretty good sense for these things, so I'm a little concerned. I just hope he's not crazy enough to be engaged or have gotten OW pregnant when he hasn't even filed for D.

I can't do anything about it anyway, so I'm just going to finish up my school projects and do what I need to do. I've only seen H once, for about 10 seconds, in the last two months and only had one phone conversation during that time too, so I know what life will be like without H.

I'm under no illusions that we'll be friends, but I do want access to SS11 if he's in town for Christmas. And I do hope that he'll have the decency to pay off his obligations to me at the very least, but I don't know this man at all anymore, so I'm not counting on it.

I just need to learn how to move on without expecting it, but I will not continue to pay for the car insurance or allow him access to the one last joint credit card if he won't pay off his current obligations.

[sweetbabyred]

Bad news-H didn't show up for his appt so I got to explain to my hygienist and the receptionist what was going on. We've been going there for over five years, so they're almost like family. Oh well, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

On the plus side, H finally responded to my Quickpay invoice and paid the money for Oct and Nov car insurance. He apologized for taking so long, saying he just saw the invoice that I sent six days ago. No mention of the texts or emails I've sent since October trying to get the money!

At least I've gotten something, so I'm not as annoyed as I could be. Texted H to make sure that SS is coming here for the holidays so I'd know whether or not to ship his gift. H says he thinks he is, but I'd be concerned if he doesn't have flight info yet. Oh well, I'm the planner, not H and it's not up to me so I'm not going to worry about it.

I plan to go shopping tomorrow night after work and get gift cards for all of H's family. That way I can get them sent out before the post office gets too crazy. It's just strange because last year H and I did all of our holiday shopping together, even though we were separated. We went to the stores together and everything was still from both of us.

What a difference a year makes. I thought we'd either be together, working on our M, or divorced and done with all this chaos. Instead not much has changed, except H doesn't really contact me now that he has OW.

[sweetbabyred]

Yesterday we had a fairly decent convo by text. He says he's waiting on a bonus to pay me back. I told him I'd take anything and he could pay small amounts at a time.

I also asked about SS, to see if I needed to ship his gift, and he says he'll think about letting me see him. I can't believe that he'd keep SS from me, but I just let it go. No use arguing about it when he's not even in the state yet. That's a 180 for me.

Today I noticed a missed call from H at work. I just assumed it was a mistake and didn't pay it much attention. A little while ago, my phone rang and it was him. I just let it go to voice mail and a few minutes later got a text saying he was sorry for calling and disturbing me and he'd never call again. So dramatic!

I waited 20 min or so and sent him a text saying he didn't disturb me, but I was busy, but for him to feel free to contact me if he needed to.

He just replied "I'll stick to text message. never mind. have a good night".

What is going on in his head? I'll never know and honestly don't really care that much right now. I'd always answer his calls immediately, but that was when I was really his wife. He's not going to get that kind of attention from me anymore. Not unless he dedicates himself to working on the marriage.

I think I may have dropped the rope. I'm not sure if he'd ever be able to convince me that he could be a good husband again. That's sad, but I know I can move on if I need to. For now, I'll continue to stand and work on myself.

[sweetbabyred]

A little while later I got a text saying that H was working on the papers so that I'd be able to move on, if I haven't already.

He then got upset, saying he'd never call me again since he wasn't on the "pick up list". He'd commented over the past year that I would always pick up his call, even when his other friends wouldn't. But that's because I'm his wife, and when he chose OW and not to contact me, he made that choice.

He owes me money, almost never responds to my emails, before yesterday only called me once in over two months and he's surprised that I don't drop everything to answer his call?

He really is in a thick fog. At least now he knows that I'm not at his beck and call any more. I'm not sure if that'll make him realize what he's done or just push him farther away, but I have to live my life.

Usually a conversation like this would keep me up all night and I'd be unable to sleep. This time, I continued to work on my school projects and then went straight to sleep.

I'd consider taking him back if he truly made an effort, but he hasn't done that and I'm done having unrealistic expectations.

[sweetbabyred]

I just got an email from H entitled "Loose ends". Apparently I can no longer text or email him (not that I did unless it was about money) and can only communicate through Chase quikpay about bills. H plans to file right away because "I can't let our past hurt my future any longer and I must do what I have to do to keep what I hold close to me".

I really think that he and OW had a fight the other night and that's why he called me. Not that my answering would have made a difference, but I guess I'll never know.

Even if we do D, I guess that doesn't mean that we couldn't get back together at some point, but the fact that he's cutting me out completely does surprise me. I guess part of me always knew that some OW would make him cut off all communication even if he said that would never happen.

I'm really upset because this means I won't be able to see SS if/when he comes here for Christmas.

I need to put it out of my mind for an hour or so and finish up my final individual project that's worth 30% of my grade and is due tomorrow.

Then I'm sure I'll come on here to vent as I don't know what else to do.

[sweetbabyred]

I'm just so upset because I know this is all happening because of OW. We were getting along fine until late summer.

I knew that there was a good chance that we wouldn't stay married, but I thought we could still be friendly so that I would at least have access to my SS.

I just can't understand why a 22 year old girl who he met in May can have such a hold on him that he'll try to eliminate me from his life completely. Especially when she treated him like cr@p for most of it and his real friends told him to stay away from her.

I guess I'm still trying to have hope that other LBS have experienced this and still made it through.

And I know that checking on his fb page would just make it so much worse, but I'm so curious. I'm working the next 14 days straight, so I can't afford to do that. At least I'll be busy so hopefully I won't think about it too much.

[25yearsmlc]

Bruce, I think I am finally coming out of denial. I spent most of the first year blaming H's depression and MLC for everything. But he is a grown man and knows what he is doing.

Well, what about the decision to have, or not have, children? For most people the "wrong" answer to that question is a dealbreaker. If I were young & childless again, I would not even date a man who didn't want children. NOR would I date a man who wanted kids of his own if I could not or would not have them.

Your h wanted more children. You were not very encouraging about it b/c of your school plans. I am not saying you are "Wrong" not to, but I AM saying it's a big issue, which I'm not sure you are facing. You point to the OWs as if it came out of the blue.

Elsewhere on your thread you said you two had "minor problems" and that's not true, in my opinion. Whether to have kids is not a minor problem, it's grounds for annulment in most religions, even religions who don't allow divorce.

All I'm saying is be sure you want to be married to THIS MAN --

and that you are not just fighting for the marriage

b/c you don't want to be alone or B/C you don't want to feel as if you were the rejected party?

That matters b/c it makes it more about wanting to "win" than wanting to be happy.


For the most part, he was still very nice to me and felt bad for needing to move on, until July of this year when the ugly side began to come out. Even though I've read on here that it happens, I somehow thought that our sitch was different.

Part of me will always love him and care about him. I do want him to be okay. Right now I don't respect him, so it would take a lot of major changes on his part to make this work.


Do you want to have children? Do you want HIM to be the father of them?

IF not, what are you really working towards or hoping for? A "Victory"?

Be clear on why you are here.


But that's assuming H and OW break up and he'd actually want to try again. Who knows if that will happen? Right now my plan is to GAL, as much as I can between work and school, and do what makes me happy.

I've finally accepted that it's much easier to wish him well and pray for him when I don't know what he's doing with his life. Everything I find out just makes me wonder who he really is and what happened to the man I married. The time I spend worrying about that could be better put to use on other things.

well...
He's not the exact man you married, and you are not the woman he married. People change, we evolve, relationships have ebbs and flows.

My main concern is I'm not positive what you once had was what you believed it to be. Most LBSers revise marriages "upwards" the way that most WASs revise it downward. The one leaving makes it seem the marriage was "over years ago" and had been "miserable for a LONG Time"...

But the LBSer often says "All was well...we were happy...everything was fine...UNTIL the bomb/OP..."

and neither viewpoint is really accurate. No man who is truly happily married suddenly wants out of a marriage, barring a breakdown of sorts.

In your case, your h TOLD YOU he wanted another child and you seemed to balk. Sounded as if you both immediately contemplated a divorce when the child issue came up.

IOW, how close and deeply bonded were you really? Was it truly mutual?

i'm not trying to make you nuts second guessing your past, but some of what you say DOES sound like someone who was in denial for awhile.

The differences between you two as of today, sound enormous and so, were they always? Regardless...

The main question, the one that truly matters is this: If you were to try to reconcile--

HOW would marriage for you NOW, be better or different than it was before?


If the answers to that question are vague or,

"that marriage now would probably be as bad as before or worse b/c neither of us knows how to forgive and now we're both hurt/mad..."

then you really do have your answer.


Simply GAL & not filing for divorce isn't really a method towards reconciling.

It might be the path of least resistance, but it's not very effective. WHY is that?

B/C We have to work on ourselves.

And we MUST let go of the past. That's why the words "from this day forward" are in our marriage vows, I believe.

If there's a real chance of fixing this, you have to back off and let him find his way WHILE YOU WORK ON YOU...

I hear you talking Almost exclusively about his flaws, his latest selfish or weird behavior, his newest OW, and about your GAL.

While I applaud your GAL, A LOT, (b/c so many people overlook this KEY ingredient to happiness,)

I am not hearing a lot of deep reflection on what your role in this marriage's demise was/is. I only read half your thread so I apologize if there's a ton of introspection and ownership there that I just didn't see.

However, imo, It's not all His fault and it's not all about his infidelity OR OWs behavior.

I'm not blaming you for his choices.

However most choices are Not made in a vacuum. There is a context to them. You were there and you played a role and until you see that,

you're always going to wonder if the next r ends up the same...

So... what would you like to work on in you,

that would help make you a woman only a fool would leave?

Why not put your energy there, EVEN IF you decide he's not the one for you?

[25yearsmlc]

I just got an email from H entitled "Loose ends". Apparently I can no longer text or email him (not that I did unless it was about money) and can only communicate through Chase quikpay about bills. H plans to file right away because "I can't let our past hurt my future any longer and I must do what I have to do to keep what I hold close to me".

have your contacts escalated into fights? Is he doing this to protect himself, as he seems to be saying?


I really think that he and OW had a fight the other night and that's why he called me. Not that my answering would have made a difference, but I guess I'll never know.

counter productive to spend energy wondering about this...truly. Put it out of your mind.

Even if we do D, I guess that doesn't mean that we couldn't get back together at some point, but the fact that he's cutting me out completely does surprise me.

I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried years later. But they each went to IC and changed a great deal.

When they divorced, they did not plan on reconciling. They improved themselves a lot so they could be happy. And they dated. 5 years passed, and because of the personal growth they experienced, when they reconciled, they were better together the 2nd time around.

Remember to learn & how marriage would be different/better being married now than before...b/c No WAS returns, for more of the same. Why should they?

As for why he's cutting you out, IF that's the case AND IF that remains the case, I assume he's cutting you out as a protective measure...if you only brought up financial matters maybe it's stressful and UNfun for him.

IF you do talk to him are you able to relax and be upbeat when he is speaking?
That's a biggie. It's also hard to learn how to do.

Why can't you ask him about seeing SS? NOT seeing your h, but just the SS?

Can't you arrange something via his family perhaps, or some way to let SS know you care about him, etc.? BTW were you close to his son before all this?

Or is this a form of pursuit of yours? Does your h have limited time with his son now, due to the move of his mother (the mother of the ss)?


I guess part of me always knew that some OW would make him cut off all communication even if he said that would never happen.

why do you assume he has no control over this choice? Why are you blaming OW? Like you said, he's a grown man.


I'm really upset because this means I won't be able to see SS if/when he comes here for Christmas.

1) is that the real reason?

2) Why can't you see him? How often are you in touch with SS as of now?

Do you text or email, phone or FB him often? You can still do those things or most of them.

I need to put it out of my mind for an hour or so and finish up my final individual project that's worth 30% of my grade and is due tomorrow.

Then I'm sure I'll come on here to vent as I don't know what else to do.

Good luck!!