New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

Yes, Another, you are RIGHT. I was just so mad that I made stupid, stupid mistakes. It's so hard not to lash out when in pain. I have decided that I'm not going to talk to him about our marriage. I know what he'll say and it's not worth hearing again. But agan, it's hard because I don't see him in turmoil, I see him cool, calm and happy with his decision. I just don't understand WAS and how they can make decisions that affect so many people without consultating those it affects.

I did tell DD that I was trying to protect her from the information I had learned about H and OW. She said no, she wanted to know everything. I don't talk about it reguarly with her, but if something happens, I won't hide it from her. I do try not to cry or get upset around her. She doesn't need to see it all the time. She made a comment about H and not loving him yesterday when we were decorating the Man Cave Christmas Tree. I said no, I love your Dad, he just doesn't love me. She said yes he does. She actually makes more quips about the situation than I do. I let her and never call her down, if she needs to react that way, I'm okay with it.

Still don't have money, still paying for his cell phone and ins. He has initated contact 2 of the 3 times we've texted this weekend. The only time I initated I asked about grass killer I used on my mulching beds and it was 3 text total. The first time he texted Friday it was to get a name of a mutal friend and I KNOW he was asking so he could tell OW (okay, I don't know that for a fact, but assume it was). I purposely didn't answer 1)because I couldn't recall the name at the moment and 2)it wasn't important to me and I don't want to jump everything me contacts me, so I thought I'll wait a while. Then I did forget and didn't answer for like 7 hours. He even texted DD and told her to ask me, she said ask her yourself. HAHAHAHA! Love my DD! Then he text this morning saying he was going by the house to get deed paper to work to get signed/notarized. I asked one question and he answered. But that's it.

Our house is decorated for Christmas. With my dad's help we hung outside lights (but H doesn't have to know that, he'll think I did it). DD always wants lights and H had stopped wanting too because he wanted LED lights and I usually didn't have the extra cash to buy them. So he just stopped putting them out. Well, she wanted it and I made it happen. Our house looks nice I think. I wonder if he'll notice.

I'm still not sure what I want as far as relationship. I fear people will think of me as a fool if I want our marriage intact. I fear I won't be able to forgive or forget, but I can't picture my life without H in it. I wanted to grow old with him and retire to HIS dream hunting place (yes, I would have retired to where he wanted to retire too... for him). I want to be with him at our DD's wedding and birth of our first grandchild.

So here's my game plan ... LESS contact.(Only when needed and I'm not jumping to his text unless it benefits me), working on me, making me better, doing daily devotions, reading DR, When the Vow Breaks (self help books) and when H is coming over, I put on clothes, put on make-up, etc... I'm not going to talk to him about OW, not going to talk about relationship, I'm going to do what he is doing and think of nobody but myself (and DD of course - since he isn't!)

Thanks for the feedback!