Together Separate II

[cat04]

And you're right about there being no cost to dreaming and thinking. I should try to do more of that I suppose, try to look beyond day to day survival.

It is sometimes hard to do more than look beyond the day to day survival.

I will tell you though, that is what leads to all of the negative feelings that you are experiencing right now. It helps to keep us stuck.

I know you got a job that you aren't really happy with. The positive in it is it is a job right now. One of the guys I work with says it is easier to find a job when you are employed than when you are unemployed. I do believe he is correct. So keep looking for what you want. Use this as a stepping stone in a sense.

And I am "waiting" more or less. Just trying to make sure that the wait doesn't destroy more of me.

Setting "boundaries" is not what I am good at. Not been my habit. H is VERY controlling. When I state my case he tells me if I can't continue as he wishes, then I can leave. But there's no place for me to go. And if he leaves, I can't pay the bills. I feel like I am on a leash.

Only you can undo that leash.

It is a feeling that many of us can understand.

You call your H controlling and I don't doubt that you feel he is. Just like I don't doubt he feels you are, simply in different ways.

Stating your case, is going to lead to him telling you to go...it is part of the process.

I do have the feeling that the sands are shifting - H's casino trips are becoming more frequent, he talks with his parents more often and I know he wants to go there more often.

So "something" is bound to change. And at this point I'd have to say that it will be for the better, because it seems pretty grim as is. Though I suppose it could always get worse and I'd best be careful what I ask for.

Please don't hang your hat on these changes. We never know which way the wind is going to blow.

What I see here, is you waiting for some change with him to make some improvement in your situation.

What Urworthy was trying to say, what I too will try to say...

Mrs, you are in charge of your life and your happiness. Your H is not in charge of that. Yes his behavior can enhance or take away from that, to the degree that you allow him to. But he isn't responsible for it, you are.

So many of us come here, lost, hurt, and believing that the state of our M determines the happiness level of our lives. We believe that if our S changes something, or we change something, that that will be the key to our happiness.

It isn't.

I am currently watching the 30+ year marriage of my aunt and uncle fall apart. Uncle blames aunts drinking. Aunt blames uncle not spending enough time with her. He won't spend time because she drinks. She drinks, because she is depressed and lonely. He feels she should stop drinking and he will spend time with her. She believes if he spends time with her, she will stop drinking. They are on the verge of separation if something doesn't change soon. Two people, who were great together. Two people, who had the same dreams. Two people, who I never thought would split up. At a stalemate. Involved in a waiting game.

While it may seem counter intuitive, I believe if my Aunt can find her own happiness, find purpose (she gained weight and began drinking more after her youngest went off to college), start feeling better about herself, there is a really good possibility that my Uncle will begin to want to spend time with her again. I don't believe all of the problems lay with her, however, I know that change has to start somewhere. And I know that my Aunt is being unfair to my Uncle by putting the responsibility for her happiness and purpose in life onto his lap.

Mrs, dreams can become goals. When you have goals, you work to find ways to achieve them. They don't have to be huge dreams either.

I have always wanted a beautiful laundry room. I know it sounds stupid but it is true. After a year of looking at the one in my home, thinking about what I would like to do in there, I went out and bought some paint. That spurred my BF to begin to build shelves. In the last week, I have begun to see the dream of that laundry room come to fruition. It is still a work in progress but within a week or so, it should be just about right. For me, that makes me happy. And I know that it will fuel other dreams, that will eventually become goals, which will eventually be achieved.

It took me, stopping the talking and taking action. Not anyone else. I didn't expect the shelves, that is a bonus.

Those are the steps to making your life what you want it to be. That is what Urworthy was trying to say.