He's Just Not That Into You - The Sequel

[mamabird]

PS I think this is all related to some sort of hormonal dip or something because we have these freak outs about once a month. I can handle it, I can handle it, I can handle it - and then all of a sudden I can't handle it.

[25yearsmlc]

I found the DB coaching very very helpful, but that doesn't mean your h will change or forgive or treat you well.

You said that you fear it's becoming a "no win" situation and I share that fear for you.

So let's see, is YOUR biggest fear, divorce? OR being in a hostile marriage?

OR never knowing which way it's going to go?

My 2 suggestions are 1) find a good DB coach.

To me that means that they help save YOU first, the marriage second, and that staying married is not the "at all costs" venture some seem to think...and I base that on a fellow DBers words, not my own experience. IN fact my experience was excellent-The DB coach I had was perfect for ME.

She helped me regain self respect in a tough time for my ego, and that allowed me to love more and to forgive w/o feeling doormattish. But I never felt that she thought I should stay married for the sake of staying married...

2) Set an internal PRIVATE deadline for yourself, to end things if they are not signficantly better. That way you KNOW at some point in the future

you will not be in, and model for your children, a hostile marriage.

Either

you two will truly change the marriage into a healthy working relationship, OR

you'll end it, and be free to pursue happiness elsewhere.

I cannot see you enduring this purgatorial ordeal indefinitely.

Plus I know it helped me to cope in my situation...probably b/c I knew it would in fact end...someday, and that day was of MY choosing.

When my first d graduated from high school, I was going to end things or we'd be recommitted. That way she had stability for those years, and I had a light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck...I send you all the strength I can in this tough time.

[mamabird]

Thank you 25 - yes, it's definitely time for a coach. I can't do this alone anymore and I feel like our MC is not my advocate.

One of the problems I had in this M was not standing up for myself enough - as far as feelings were concerned. Yes, I'm quite headstrong in plenty of ways but not with feelings and vulnerability. Now I have to stand up for my own feelings and H is just seeing it as more steamrolling. I also have to be honest with myself about my feelings. I know the M doesn't HAVE to end but I do think that it probably will. I don't think my H has it in him to do the work that has to be done, honestly. H thinks I'm awful and terrible and I can't see how he'll ever get past that without a serious shift in perspective.

H also said he doesn't think I'm capable of growing and changing. So with an attitude like that, how do we ever stand a chance?

[mamabird]

oh and to answer the question, I fear being in a hostile marriage much more than a D - at least in a D I have the chance to start over... in a hostile marriage, it's just a death sentence...

[mamabird]

It's raining, and the power keeps cycling on and off tonight. Every time that happens I wake up because our printer makes a lot of noise when it turns on and of course I'm stuck in this dumb guest room/office.

After our "discussion" last night, I'm not feeling like anything got resolved. H refuses to budge. I'm totally angry and resentful that he refuses to give me the benefit of the doubt on any of this. I think it's BS and more of a punishment. I wish I could just walk because at this point I'm really fed up and it's just not fair.

This is why I need a coach - I have been trying to DB since summer and I still feel so stuck.

I'm specifically frustrated because I feel like I'm trying and trying and working and working and he refuses to acknowledge any of it as change or progress. He wants to live in the past and let the past be his compass. Any time I do something "wrong" it's further evidence to him that "we're not compatible." Any time I do something "right" it's not to be trusted. It really feels like there is no way to get out of this cycle because he's out to prove to himself that he's justified in getting a D, so he insists on seeing the world this way.

There is no way to win this game.

[mamabird]

One last thing and then I'll stop rambling and get on with my day. This feeling of "not being good enough" is especially tough for me. I spent the last 5 years working for a boss where I had the same dynamic. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her, so eventually I just quit my job and that resolved it. But that was after 5 years of psychological damage from her, being reinforced at home by H.

I do think there were some elements of that in my upbringing. My mother was fairly critical and glass half empty - she would be the type of person to look at a sparkling clean kitchen and say "You missed a spot." I never thought about having this "trying to please" dynamic in my own relationships but maybe it's a factor since I keep seeming to repeat that pattern. I guess with a boss you don't choose it and things certainly weren't that way with H when we got married.

H said he would "make an effort to try" to understand why that's such a gut wrenching feeling for me, which I guess at this point is the best I can ask for.

[Breakdown]

Regret, did you read that co-dependence book? You seem to be spending an awful lot of energy worrying about what H is doing or not doing.

When are you going to start taking your life back?

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

I should stop repeating this and you can just take it as read but once again, I relate so much!!

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to handle it at some point and having a freak out and it possibly being a hormonal thing. I've done exactly the same thing.

I assume that you do know though that you were pursuing in the conversation/discussion. Ideally, you wouldn't ask him any of those questions and thereby have to listen to answers you don't like (and that he gets to hear himself say as well). If it's any consolation, I've made the same mistake many times.

Like you, I often wonder whether our M as it stands is better or worse than a D. All I can say, is that at some point, something will tip the balance--either something to do with him or with me. Until then, I'll keep on DBing as it's the best thing I know. The down side of any other R is that the guy won't be the father of your kids.

Good luck setting up a DB session.

[mamabird]

Regret, did you read that co-dependence book? You seem to be spending an awful lot of energy worrying about what H is doing or not doing.

I never thought of myself as co-dependent, but when you mentioned this, I looked it up, and it looks like our R might have morphed into a co-dependent R. I wouldn't say that I innately have those needs or tendencies but I can see it in our M now that you point it out. I will ask my IC about this on Weds.

When are you going to start taking your life back?

This is exactly what I'm struggling with and it's very difficult. I could just say, F it, walk out tonight and have "my life" back tomorrow. Clearly though, it's not that easy, and it's not what I want to do. I could storm the MBR, say, "This is my bed, I'm sleeping here," but that would just reinforce all the negatives for H. Not a good strategy either.

I could just choose to accept all the BS that's going on, which is what I have been doing. That's probably best from a DB perspective, but I am dying inside and I am sick of living this way. It is just too hard to do. It is too hard to try and try and feel like nothing is working. Trying is now becoming a cheeseless tunnel. Every tunnel is ultimately cheeseless, that is the problem. There is no cheese. I think the title of my next thread should be "No cheese for me."

So, my uprising, although it's probably not good DB and yes, it's pursuing, was borne out of utter desperation to get my life back. In the past, I wouldn't have pursued or asked H to change, I just would have done something passive aggressive, which is of course worse.

Like you, I often wonder whether our M as it stands is better or worse than a D. All I can say, is that at some point, something will tip the balance--either something to do with him or with me.

I think our balance got tipped when I had that EA with OM2, and I was the one who tipped it. I needed something to change and unfortunately I really went about it wrong. There may be no recovering from this choice.

I will say that H has been a little more pleasant today. He knows that I am on pins and needles and I sense that he's trying to be a little more gentle on me. Tomorrow we have MC and I think that I'm finally ready to get a few things out there in front of our crappy therapist.

[longrun]

Tomorrow we have MC and I think that I'm finally ready to get a few things out there in front of our crappy therapist.

Yeah, do it.