Hey Sweet, For what it's worth, i think the 'taking a vacation with the OW' - is pretty much standard script for Mlcers. I know mine did - and so did Alisuddenly's (just one other example off the top of my head). So, again, try not to take it personally. It's just them going through the process like they all do.
They always give some other explanation about what they are doing. My stbx had no money at all to travel overseas, so I almost believed his wacky story about having to go for work, but then i found out that OW had actually paid for him.
My stbx even went to the bother of reporting his passport stolen and getting a new one rather than coming home to ask me to get it for him (just another $600 or so down the drain...). Guess he felt too guilty/ashamed. Bet that made for a great time on holiday!
Please don't worry too much about how upset these 'discoveries' make you feel. It happens to us all. You are already noticing some change in how you react. Soon, it will bother you less and less to hear what he does. It's just a really slow process, and you can't try to push it along. You will get there.
Sad...I got an email from my lawyer today that she is going to court on Dec 4th for me to set the final trial date for divorce. I was shocked, as we just got legally separated, although our sep really started back in Aug. I wrote her back and told them I didnt want to proceed and I wanted H's Lawyer to do that and apparently it was him that did it. They are setting dates into late summer already.
Im sad...I guess he really wants to get rid of me ASAP...
I was tempted to write him an email just to mention that I was surprised at how quickly he is ready to set a date..but I didnt:( I guess this is really what he wants...although I can remember back in Sept when I asked him before I filed the sep he said he wanted a sep not divorce...now..he is doing full force...probably because of money. Once we are divorced, he doesnt have to pay my mortgage anymore...
I know that this is still 9 months away...but I cannot help but to be sad...these next 9 months will fly by...especially with a new baby coming in March!
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
I feel sad for you. I found out yesterday that my husband has a lawyer. He was the one that didn't want lawyers and was wanting to work out financials on our own. Now he is pushing forward. This person who is dragging me down is a complete stranger. I stayed home from work today going thru paper and receipts and crying. It's late afternoon and I'm still in my pjs. I feel like I have a hole inside of me. It's such an empty feeling. Depression is hitting so hard today. I'm sorry you have to go thru this too. It's not what our dream was when we got married. We had wonderful husbands and fathers to our children. Now we are facing a total stranger that is changing our life forever. It's hard to stay strong. You are going to be surrounded by your beautiful children. They will be your inspiration to stay strong. I wish my daughters were younger. I'm losing both of them next year. They will both be in college. I try not to think that far ahead. One day at a time, right? Maybe one minute at a time?!
Let me start by saying something totally positive....I AM AMAZING! I have to brag a bit about what I did this weekend! I totally decorated our entire house with my girls, got the tree decorated, AND put up all the lights outside by myself! (I skipped any on the roof...just the low ones around the garage, and on the bushes!) Everything looks amazing, beautiful, etc...and to top it off...I did all this while being 6 months pregnant and struggling to be a single mom not by choice!
Now, the reality is ....even though I did these things, I cannot lie and say there weren't some tears involved, as decorating the Christmas tree was a trip down memory lane for me and the girls. All the ornaments are so special and of course, births, anniversaries, every trip we took...these are all represented by beautiful ornaments that were hung. It was sad to look at them all and hear my girls retell stories that they remembered..."Hey mom remember this is the year that dad did blah blah blah..." It always comes back to him since he is not here. It still amazes me that the wonderful life we led has ended up this way. I never would have thought...
Last night was hard for us all, as we also hung stockings and did not hang H's. We also kept a lot of his ornaments (his fav sports team, his hobbies, his "fun" ones I got him every year) off the tree at the kids request. They want to give him all his stuff in a bag and let him have it...but I'm not ready to part with it yet...maybe when I know he has his own place and will have his own tree?? He also hasn't asked, so I'm not offering.
We also went to the town Christmas Parade this weekend and that was something H always did with us. We had a nice time..but its not the same this year I told the kids that we are making new memories and next year will be even more special since the baby will be here celebrating his 1st Christmas. My D14 responded, "yeah, this is the first year without dad and the last year without a new brother" Yep..she is right! I will say that the one thing that keeps ringing sadness in my head is that this could possibly be the last Christmas we spend in this house...especially if H is pushing the sale of the house at the end of the summer..the thought makes me so sad. Our memories are here...
Anwyay, the weekend was relatively good, but I do have a question to ask about something I found out today. I have been pretty good about not caring what H is doing. I know now that he is hanging wtih OW pretty regularly (Im assuming..not knowing) and I just ask NO questions and dont talk to him at all. Its better for me to not know any of what he is doing because it helps me detach. So, today Im talking to my best friend who lives directly across the street and she mentions that her H went out with my H last night. Now, I cannot do anything about that, BUT since H has left this guy has had little or none to do with my H. He and my H were best friends, but H kinda wrote him off like he did everything else...so they have not been hanging out. When I found this out, I got upset. Is this juvenile of me? I guess my feeling were hurt, as this couple is friends with me. I just feel like her H kinda went behind my back and went out with H to a bunch of bars. I just feel like hanging out with H just condones his behavior and I know that her H doesn't care for what he has done to us....but going out with him kinda "okays" it. Now, Maybe I'm totally wrong for being upset...but also I must mention that H was out with this guy when he met OW. In my mind, them going out partying just says to H that its fine what you did and are doing...we can still hang out and be great friends. It doesnt matter that your wife and kids are suffering...(and it also worries me because his wife is my bestie so she knows a lot of what Im feeling and doing and I dont want H to know...) UGGG...just annoyed about that. I wish that hanging out with this guy would bring back some old memories of their friendship which almost always included the wives...we were a foursome..we did everything together...how can he not miss that?
And, not to mention that he was out partying with him while we were home crying over ornaments. H actually had the nerve to text D today and ask how decorating was and if she had fun? He really just doesnt care....
I feel like he gets farther and farther away from us as the weeks and months go on. I really believe that he misses us less and less as he moves on along his path...he now thinks that texting the kids a few nights a week saying this he misses them is being a dad. Really????
I just do so much better when I dont hear from him. He has been badgering me about his birth certificate and ss card that he cannot find and I did the courtesy of looking all through our files and I cannot find it either. I last remember him having them when he needed them for something...and now that he needs them ASAP to get to Mexico for New years Eve we cannot find them. Im sure that it will end up being my fault that he cannot go since I cannot find his paperwork...
But, moving on into a new week...I have a sonogram tomorrow morning so I get to see the baby again! Im excited over that! I hope that the holidays go smoothly...so far, it doesnt seem that he gives a crap about any of it...and didnt miss a thing not being involved:(
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Aaawww sb it's tough, I hung ornaments as well this weekend. I cried alot and got through it, now I like what I did. I also got to sort through the ornaments and keep the ones I want( all the children's hand made ornaments), my stbxw will not get those lol. Keep up the detaching and working on you. Tennessee hugs coming your way!!
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I'm so glad you're making it a warm and decorated holiday for your girls. Just like the who's in whoville, the joy of Christmas can transcend what's happening in our lives. You are of course sad that your H is doing what he's doing, but you aren't letting that stop Christmas from coming. And next year with your baby boy it will be even better no matter what.
Find a mantra that helps you keep the focus off H. Try really hard to just take what he does at face value, and a nice text from him to the girls is a good thing. A tiny miserable little good thing, but a good thing.
In what I'm going through now, negotiating a separation agreement, I have to keep reminding myself that even if it's just for strategic purpose, I want H's goodwill and don't want to aggravate him. If that might apply to your case, I'd suggest that you might need to be a little more proactive in looking out for H's interest with regard to the girls. They are really angry with him, and it's awful but it may be necessary for you to be proactive in helping them build and maintain a relationship with him.
Although it would be nice to slam the door in his face and let the girls hate him when he's being such a disappointment, the end result is that they grow up feeling abandoned by their dad. He may need your assistance in helping keep the best possible relationship with them that he's capable of. It's awful for you but best for them if a good relationship is possible at some point.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
WRT H's friend, don't be too hard on him. There is a difference between supporting and condoning. The friend probably sees that H is going through a hard time and wants to help him improve his mood. I wouldn't read any more into it than that.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hey SB, what shopping malls are closest to where you are?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yep, I shop at Dulles Town Center but those others aren't too too far. Maybe we could meet for some Christmas shopping.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I told the kids that we are making new memories and next year will be even more special since the baby will be here celebrating his 1st Christmas. My D14 responded, "yeah, this is the first year without dad and the last year without a new brother" Yep..she is right! I will say that the one thing that keeps ringing sadness in my head is that this could possibly be the last Christmas we spend in this house...especially if H is pushing the sale of the house at the end of the summer..the thought makes me so sad. Our memories are here...