Spartan, it sounds like your W was processing things that were upsetting to her. You were there, so you got to hear it all. I'm not sure listening and validating her world view is the best option at this point.
Putting myself in your W's head, she's trying to convince herself and you, that her decision is a good one. What if you had said: "Your friend brings up some interesting points. Has she been through a D?" or "W, I agree with friend. I think this is going to be very hurtful for D." or "W, I don't agree with you on this so perhaps it's better that we don't discuss it" and go to another room.
You aren't resisting, you aren't arguing, you aren't coercing, you're simply stating a deeply held belief.
Is that going to make her wake up and smell the coffee? Probably not but at least it doesn't turn you into girlfriend/confidante.
Don't give up your fundamental beliefs to DB.
Thanks for posting your point of view on this, labug.
Sure we want our W to know that D is not what we want, but once we make this known we need to back off. I'm pretty sure Spartans W knows where he stands.
Plus, timing here is everything. When Spartans wife was expressing her frustrations over her GF's opinions against D, I can tell you from experience that would have been the worst time to question her feelings or side with GF. No matter how nicely he tried to present it as not resisting, arguing or coercing, that's exactly how it would've been seen by his wife, I believe.
You want to tell W that you think D will hurt the kids? Fine, but don't tell her when she's frustrated that her GF doesn't agree with her on the matter, wait until you both are getting along well and the kids are playing.
Quote:
Putting myself in your W's head, she's trying to convince herself and you
Right, and it didn't work. Trying to convince W (with words) also will not work. Let your actions do the talking.
I remember one time early in my sitch when wife was crying, saying "you're not going to give me a D, are you?" I told her clearly that while it was not what I wanted, if it came to it I would give it to her. You know what? It took a lot of pressure off her, just knowing that I was "on her side". That was 8 months ago.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
