Studies in Feral Cats, part 4

[TSquared2]

Well, W cycled out of withdrawal and downloaded all that is going on for her, in overload mode, on Friday to me. Lots of stuff...how decisions stress her out, the holidays, how frustrated she is that she seems only do stuff or decide things at the last minute, how scared and torn apart she is that she hasn't got "those" feelings back...lots of stuff. Like a verbal journal...Interesting thing was that I had been reading through Denver_2010's thread in Piecing and had run across this post:

One of the last things you EVER want to do is read a woman's diary. You cannot take every word seriously. We play with every random thought. Not to discount your wife. But please don't work with the past. Work with the future.

sgctxok

I had an "Aha" moment, and got more insight into the "Believe none of what they say" mantra...this also lines up with what I have read in books such as "What women want men to know"... W is dumping all those thoughts onto me, like a diary, every nuance, etc like sgctxok wrote above.... such a grasshopper moment for me.

I did the usual listen and validate, but also "felt" it was a right time to toss out some truth darts, such as if she was staying for just the kids until they reached the "magic age" where she could leave, then she was using me, and I did not think she was that kind of person. Also, that I believed in her, in us and if I didn't, I would not have allowed myself to be treated like a doormat, etc., this past year and a half.
Naturally, this wasn't what she wanted to hear, but I stuck to my guns patiently and most important, non-judgmentally. Brought in some mlc examples which re-assured her that this was part of the process and can pass....

The conversation got around to the "naughty" text she sent me a while ago, and my response...lol...she said she has to remember that when she gets in these fits/moods/panics, that she has gotten through them and will get through them...she forgets that in the moment and panics (I think this was relating to our R progress/status and "those" feelings). I never did get from her the meaning of the subject line "Last one" though, didn't want to press, show W that I can "not" have to know something right away in the 180's dept. Oh, and she volunteered that she liked the pic I sent back, one would think that's a good thing...

For me, it felt good to be honest, and it seemed to open things up a wee bit more for us this weekend...no bad repercussions so far. And some good things, like she emailed me:

i'm very thankful for what you did last weekend with the plastic outside & the deck... Really makes a difference
and when you cook... like last night & the night of the pot pies
and your help with bedtime is a lifesaver
thank you

So, that's where things are this week...

Comments and such welcome as always...



T^2