Trying really hard to be Thankful today...

[Sweetbriar]

Let me start by saying something totally positive....I AM AMAZING! I have to brag a bit about what I did this weekend! I totally decorated our entire house with my girls, got the tree decorated, AND put up all the lights outside by myself! (I skipped any on the roof...just the low ones around the garage, and on the bushes!) Everything looks amazing, beautiful, etc...and to top it off...I did all this while being 6 months pregnant and struggling to be a single mom not by choice!

Now, the reality is ....even though I did these things, I cannot lie and say there weren't some tears involved, as decorating the Christmas tree was a trip down memory lane for me and the girls. All the ornaments are so special and of course, births, anniversaries, every trip we took...these are all represented by beautiful ornaments that were hung. It was sad to look at them all and hear my girls retell stories that they remembered..."Hey mom remember this is the year that dad did blah blah blah..." It always comes back to him since he is not here. It still amazes me that the wonderful life we led has ended up this way. I never would have thought...

Last night was hard for us all, as we also hung stockings and did not hang H's. We also kept a lot of his ornaments (his fav sports team, his hobbies, his "fun" ones I got him every year) off the tree at the kids request. They want to give him all his stuff in a bag and let him have it...but I'm not ready to part with it yet...maybe when I know he has his own place and will have his own tree?? He also hasn't asked, so I'm not offering.

We also went to the town Christmas Parade this weekend and that was something H always did with us. We had a nice time..but its not the same this year I told the kids that we are making new memories and next year will be even more special since the baby will be here celebrating his 1st Christmas. My D14 responded, "yeah, this is the first year without dad and the last year without a new brother" Yep..she is right! I will say that the one thing that keeps ringing sadness in my head is that this could possibly be the last Christmas we spend in this house...especially if H is pushing the sale of the house at the end of the summer..the thought makes me so sad. Our memories are here...

Anwyay, the weekend was relatively good, but I do have a question to ask about something I found out today. I have been pretty good about not caring what H is doing. I know now that he is hanging wtih OW pretty regularly (Im assuming..not knowing) and I just ask NO questions and dont talk to him at all. Its better for me to not know any of what he is doing because it helps me detach. So, today Im talking to my best friend who lives directly across the street and she mentions that her H went out with my H last night. Now, I cannot do anything about that, BUT since H has left this guy has had little or none to do with my H. He and my H were best friends, but H kinda wrote him off like he did everything else...so they have not been hanging out. When I found this out, I got upset. Is this juvenile of me? I guess my feeling were hurt, as this couple is friends with me. I just feel like her H kinda went behind my back and went out with H to a bunch of bars. I just feel like hanging out with H just condones his behavior and I know that her H doesn't care for what he has done to us....but going out with him kinda "okays" it. Now, Maybe I'm totally wrong for being upset...but also I must mention that H was out with this guy when he met OW. In my mind, them going out partying just says to H that its fine what you did and are doing...we can still hang out and be great friends. It doesnt matter that your wife and kids are suffering...(and it also worries me because his wife is my bestie so she knows a lot of what Im feeling and doing and I dont want H to know...) UGGG...just annoyed about that. I wish that hanging out with this guy would bring back some old memories of their friendship which almost always included the wives...we were a foursome..we did everything together...how can he not miss that?

And, not to mention that he was out partying with him while we were home crying over ornaments. H actually had the nerve to text D today and ask how decorating was and if she had fun? He really just doesnt care....

I feel like he gets farther and farther away from us as the weeks and months go on. I really believe that he misses us less and less as he moves on along his path...he now thinks that texting the kids a few nights a week saying this he misses them is being a dad. Really????

I just do so much better when I dont hear from him. He has been badgering me about his birth certificate and ss card that he cannot find and I did the courtesy of looking all through our files and I cannot find it either. I last remember him having them when he needed them for something...and now that he needs them ASAP to get to Mexico for New years Eve we cannot find them. Im sure that it will end up being my fault that he cannot go since I cannot find his paperwork...

But, moving on into a new week...I have a sonogram tomorrow morning so I get to see the baby again! Im excited over that! I hope that the holidays go smoothly...so far, it doesnt seem that he gives a crap about any of it...and didnt miss a thing not being involved:(