The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[FloydMan]

Hi Sandi2,

Q1) Her parents were controlling. I know she had an abusive boyfriend in her late teens that did hit her. Her parents liked him and were friends with his parents and her mother told her she was “damaged goods” when she broke up with him. My gut tells me there is more, but I do not know….she never wanted to share. I had a good, positive Catholic upbringing; she did not and lately wants nothing to do with faith mot God.

Q2) I don’t know why she never moved out, maybe culture? She had a lot of disposable income without paying rent, use of car etc.

Q3) The A was supposed to be discussed after we worked on some things which we did and all was working but I was keeping my mouth shut about it for months. The therapist then said it was time for that discussion and trust. When she kept stalling and 180ing the topic in therapy over the next couple of months my anxiety grew and she was being very secretive. She would not deal with it. I could not figure out if it was an internal struggle with guilt or she wanted a secret life outside the perfect looking family. We never got to that. She wanted to sweep it under the carpet. The therapist warned that was not a good idea. About the OM- She said at first she thought there was a connection but said it was not her and was just sex. She said I am a better person inside. He is a cop (at detective). She also said I am better looking and our sex was not the problem but she lost attraction in me when my confidence waned. She complimented me in therapy about our sex. (inside I was nervous when the topic came up). We did have regular sex before and after A. 1-3x per week. At first after the A, I did not want to but honestly speaking she really pursued sex with me. This with all the begging she did to save the M. I am a stupid, typical man I guess.

Q4) re; cameras, and PI accusation: I really don’t know, probably my anxiety. I really did not do much, but she thinks I did. She has made all kinds of accusations like that but they are not true. It only made me feel she was paranoid or hiding something and that would drive my anxiety. It is a vicious cycle. Both therapists did tell her, and one on her own she needed to be an open book and she got angry and refused.


Your points seem so bang on and insightful. Like your husband, I was never ever controlling or suspicious prior to the A. She has acknowledged that too. Your story with your H sounds very similar in that way. How did that turn around?

In therapy once, she said “when I hear his voice, I hear my father”. Oddly, he calls her by a different name, has a very different voice and speaks Portuguese. That scared me, but I think I get it now.

If I knew then what I know now about therapy and getting the right kind (solutions-based) etc. Maybe, just maybe it would be different. Who knows? I just do not want to split up and want to be nice. It starts by being nice and considerate, no? She rejects my niceness….she does not trust it.
People are telling me to give up, so I know she is getting the same influence. Definitely her lawyer will be out for $.
Your last point is great, but time is not on our side it seems. Ya, I am desperate, and it shows.