I don't believe the WAW should get to keep her "best friend" and a lover on the side, too. The more cake she gets to eat, the less she'll miss the baker! But I do think you need to act friend-ly to her when you have to see her when exchanging kids and any other needed contacts. I’m talking the kind of friendly behavior that you would extend to a stranger. Sounds cold? Not when you compare it to committing adultery.
I would not think of it in terms of totally cutting her off (not sure how you mean this), but neither should you even “attempt” to be her best friend. Let me make this clear….you do not want to act mad, upset, or cold. You just smile and wave as you go on with your life. Do not degrade yourself by letting her tell YOU about her feeling for the OM!! Do you honestly believe a woman respects the H who lets her pour her heart out about another man that she’s sleeping with? Hell no, she doesn’t respect him! I don’t know how you could respect yourself! The next time she starts with that crap, you calmly tell her that you will not listen to her discuss her feelings for a man she’s committing adultery with. Not to make her mad, but to show her you won’t be disrespected in that manner. (It’s bad enough that she disrespected you by sleeping with the guy, you don’t have to hear her whine over him, too.) She may get pissed when you tell her, but she will respect you for doing it…..if you don’t bring your feelings into it. Do NOT tell her how it makes you feel. Keep it about showing respect and don’t let it go into a R talk. If she starts in to have a fight…leave, or whatever, but you keep control of it.
When I told my H I was considering staying in the house….but as a friend, he looked me right in my eyes and softly told me that there would be no buddy-buddy system. He felt that if we couldn’t be man & wife then we wouldn’t be friend & friend, either. That was exactly what my fogged out brain needed to hear from him. I think I was really arrogant to believe he would be so “grateful” that I just stayed in the home that he would gladly settle for my friendship without benefits! Well, it got my attention. Kind of shocked me, frankly.
Whenever a LBH has begged, pleaded, or just been one of those “nice guy” types…his WAW can believe he would be grateful for any crumbs she throws his way. If he can get the message to her WAW brain that he doesn’t need her, or her friendship, to be happy, he stands a better chance of her coming back to the M. But he has to be careful how he communicates that message.
She “should” worry that she will lose her best friend! Kind of sad that she isn’t concerned that she’s losing her best husband, don’t you think?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
