Well I've been able to not do anything stupid this weekend and actually outwardly was fun yesterday with family even though Friday comments still bothered me. Last night saw W's friend at church and wished her happy B-day and she gave me a hug, W was right there and she didn't say anything to her. I think it bothered my W but I didn't say anything. W and I even watched a movie together last night and made plans to Christmas shop together next weekend. In all honesty though I've been in major depression all weekend. I'm trying my hardest to not do anything needy but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was hurting the last couple days. I think it's mostly still not knowing what to do about cruise, pending Friend of Court date, and me beating myself up for putting me in this position. Old saying of I wish I knew then what I know now is so true. The more I read and learn the more I realize just how screwed up my marriage and I was for a long time.
My W's grandpa died last night, 97 and suffering so wasn't unexpected. I told her I was really sorry and I'd do anything she wanted/ needed me to do. I swear my W is an emotionless robot because she got news and not a tear or really even a change in emotion. I truly feel bad for her because she's never really shown any emotions over anything. Talks about it in past she said it's because she was raised by alcoholics and learned early on to bury emotions. Back to point...We talked a little and we agreed that it would probably be awkward for me to go so I'm not going. I told her it's her day to be with family and I didn't want to interfere with that. Really put an ! on my feelings this weekend though because him and I always got along great and I would have liked to be there but I understand why she doesn't want me there and felt I needed to respect her wishes and not push it. She did say thanks for offering and seemed sincere. Today I've just been really detached and in my own thoughts most of the time.
Originally Posted By: labug
When women decide to leave a marriage they've already put a lot of thought into it and feel like they've worked hard to keep the marriage together but for some reason (and usually that has to do with the H)it's just not working. We like security, we have a need to make sure our children are safe. So they work out what will happen with the kids, who will get the house, furniture, soup tureen, how the money will work out. It may all be pie in the sky but she feels somewhat secure in her decision.
That makes sense but is opposite of what she said in her journal that I read 2 or 3 weeks ago (last and final time I snooped). In there she was trying to convince herself and even said she hoped it wasn't a mistake for kids. Said something to affect that she didn't want to lie anymore and be in fake marriage like her parents. Said she would rather take a chance of being alone since she's never done that but she hoped our kids wouldn't suffer. She even said this verbally to me in one of our initial post filing fights and I said why not take chance on us and lets try to communicate better but she didn't want to spend any energy on that. She even admitted to being a bad wife in her journal and not going all in because she was afraid of being hurt (that really hurt and hurts me now thinking about it again). She said her love tank has been empty for a while and even mentioned her IC saying sometimes it just can't be filled again. I've finished 5LL book and have been working on her LL's but she's resisting as much as possible. I hope some of what I'm doing is getting through but hard to tell. Odd thing is about 2 months ago she had never heard of LL's or love tank until they talked about it in church. She was surprised to hear what my LL's were after that service, sadly at that time I wasn't really sure of hers either...so sad we were together 20 years and didn't know each others. She said she wasn't sure what hers were then either. I'm pretty confident I know hers now. We were planning to watch DVD together since she isn't a big reader and then she filed after incident in my initial post. Last time we talked she admitted to not really having a plan for custody, how she would handle kids, thoughts on money, etc... but that could be just talk. I think she's going through a lot of changes right now with her codependency recovery group and I know I'm the point of most the problems/ blame so probably made sense to get rid of me. Who knows though...
I'm going to just get through today and then get back to the happy, DB me I've been the last several weeks.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
