Some progress after 2+ months of DBing

[Wendylon]

It's so lovely to come here and read all the responses. Thank you so much, all of you, for feedback, encouragement and insights. Nice to see you, Turtlegirl. I'll come and visit you!

I still feel, Regretful, that we're living parallel lives. I'm sure your'e explanations for H's behaviour are really accurate. I couldn't believe that you found a wrapper in a pastic bag. That's my H's trick. The outer plastic bag is knotted.

It's probably true that I mean something to H but there is so much hurt pride in the way that it is hard to know how to bridge the distance.

We've had a busy weekend. I feel that there is lots I want to catch you guys up on but also need to get to bed. I hope to get some time tomorrow to update. There have been a few positives but I really need to look closely to see them.

Thank you again, FY, Regretful, Tori, and Turtlegirl

[Wendylon]

[I just saw a terrible typo in my last post ('your'e' instead of 'your'). Sorry.]

I'm feeling disturbed by H going out to the shops again tonight. I'd guess it was for a tub of ice-cream. He then came up to bed in a grumpy mood. I know from other times that he tends to be grumpy when he's done some secret eating. Or maybe the grumpiness precedes the secret eating. I know I'll react badly if he starts complaining about how he's not losing his tummy fat despite all his best efforts.

I've forgotten about the positives from the weekend. They've been overshadowed by his behaviour this evening. He didn't seem to want to be around me at all. He rushed out of The Good Wife and wouldn't even talk about S13's swimming lessons.

At the moment, I'm more aware of the negatives. As I predicted, he announced on Saturday that he didn't have his share of the money to go into the joint account for December. I knew it was coming (though not so soon) so didn't react the way I normally do. It still pisses me off though even though I didn't go into one of my rants. I've told him a hundred times not to spring it on me. I don't think he'll ever learn because I do then bridge him financially since I'm not willing to have unpaid people or bills.

Living with my H is like living with a strange species. I really can't relate to him in so many ways. I don't think he's trying to upset me or hurt me directly but I do think he struggles with life and the fallout of that isn't the greatest.

On the plus side, I haven't reacted the way I normally do. H swears he'll have his finances in order by Jan 1st. I know he won't though he genuinely thinks he will. I hate that I know him better than he knows himself. He has an amazing ability to con himself and to feel bad about himself but to hide it behind pride.

A guy at my favourite cafe seems to enjoy talking to me. I enjoy it too but I also know that I can't imagine myself with someone else given my setup with S17, D15 and S13. That's just not on the cards for me. Getting a D would be expensive and we'd be worse off financially and emotionally, as a family. Once again, I'm going to bed late. I'll try to update earlier in the day tomorrow.

[mamabird]

Good for you for not reacting. I know that sometimes it can get to you more than others... just depends on everything else going on. Many times I can just handle H's irresponsibility when it comes to the finances; other times, it's unacceptable. Lately, my H has been better about watching what he is spending - at least I think he has, but I wouldn't know for sure since i have no access to his accounts.

Getting a D would definitely be traumatic for all of you, and the question is, "Would you be better off with H or without H?" I know, personally, that I would probably be better off without H, but it's not all about me. I have two kids who would not be better off without H, so we owe it to them to try. And financially, it would be a disaster for us too. H actually said last night, "A D might be better for all of us," - he has no clue how much a D would affect the boys.

It just makes me sad to read your sitch sometimes. I feel like we are living parallel lives too.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, I have two comments:
1. Are you completely sure your H will not have his finances in order in Jan? I mean, 100% sure? If not, then think maybe he will, and express confidence in this. If he doesn't do it, then ask yourself if this behavior is a deal breaker.
2. You wrote your reasons to not get D. I think the most important reason should be that you're in love with your H and want him in your life-always. All other reasons-children, finances, etc. will not support a healthy marriage. At least that's my take on it. I know a lot of people stay married bc of other reasons, but I doubt they're happy. You don't have to live an ordinary life. You want to be happy and live and extraordinary life. Some food for thought.

Hugs to you, my friend. Thank you for visiting my thread today!

[ForeverYoung]

H swears he'll have his finances in order by Jan 1st. I know he won't though he genuinely thinks he will. I hate that I know him better than he knows himself. He has an amazing ability to con himself and to feel bad about himself but to hide it behind pride.

Instead of quietly doubting him, consider encouraging him to reach the financial goal by offering some sort of reward. You already know the stick doesn't work, so try the carrot.

[mamabird]

If I know her H, the carrot won't work either. He just isn't capable of getting his act together around the finances without a TREMENDOUS amount of effort, and in the end it's not really worth it to him. He'll just remortgage the house and make up for it later. I would not expect this behavior to change.

[JuneReN]

Well Regretful, I don't think the carrot will work either (ice cream maybe? :P).

You can't make him make the changes and you are gonna have to let this go, I think. Tori wrote that the number one reason you stay married is because you love your husband, and I agree. Sure there always are other reasons, kids, finances etc. but in the end it is not worth it to stay unhappily married. Your kids will feel it, you will compensate in other areas; My favourite was to make everyone feel as badly as I was...nice, eh? Also, I found I was drinking more, just wine, but still, I am not and never have been an alcohol kind of girl.

So, work on being strong and true to you and then you will be able to do this and know you will be able to do this, even without H.

[ForeverYoung]

If he can't or won't fix the finances, then you have to decide whether or not that is a deal breaker for you. If it isn't, then Ruby is right, you have to let it go. If it is, then at least tell him, and give him one last chance to turn it around. (ultimatum)

As for the feelings of love, we know they come and go, even in the best of marriages.

As for happiness, I'd say you need to decide to be happy now. Don't let your dolt of a H decide your happiness level for you. After you have learned to depend on yourself for your happiness, even while married to him, you can decide if you want to give up on the marriage.

[Wendylon]

Thank you v much, Tori, Regretful, FY and Rubytuesday. Your posts made me think (and laugh).

The finances aren't a deal-breaker for now. H always catches up in the end (though that will come to an end when he's made his way through the capital in his mother's house). He isn't malicious or calculating with how he deals with money, he is in fantasy land. I doubt that anyone could right their credit rating and get the loan organised between now and the end of the month unless it were someone with lots of clout or with amazing people skills. He has neither. He will try but his hold on reality just isn't that great. He expects it all to go smoothly and it won't. He said yesterday that the bank still hadn't responded to his email. That sort of thing will happen x100 and his loan won't be extended for a while but it will be in the end. We live above our means but it's hard to change things now. When S17 and D15 finish school, we'll be able to make some changes.

As for the feelings of love, we know they come and go, even in the best of marriages.

I agree and I'll probably sound very pragmatic and unromantic, but I'm not very worried about feelings of love. I've watched my mother who is onto her third husband and I know that I could fall in love again but it has very little appeal. Being in love is not a big deal for me. I did it enough in my first 10 years of dating and had it very strongly with H for years.

As for happiness, I'd say you need to decide to be happy now. Don't let your dolt of a H decide your happiness level for you. After you have learned to depend on yourself for your happiness, even while married to him, you can decide if you want to give up on the marriage.

I couldn't have phrased it better, FY. That is exactly how I want to proceed. I haven't been the wife that only a fool would leave. I want to put in time in changing how I am with him first. Now is definitely not the time for me to give up on our M. I've felt critical of my mother for not hanging in there with her husbands and I can't see that her later models are any better than her previous ones. Sure, she has a few years of being in love but now she has a complicated blended family which I don't envy her.

For example, I loved overhearing D15 and H discussing whether the football manager of their favourite team was going to go for another term this morning. They were in the kitchen together. H is the one who got S13 ready for school. H is picking S17 from swimming as I type. H and I are going to a meeting at S13s school tomorrow. My father (with Alzheimer's) and my step-mother are coming for supper tomorrow. H will pull his weight and is even taking my father out to lunch on Friday on his own to give us a break. I probably rarely mention the plusses. Despite everything, H is someone I'm very close to and we have a long history. We share our love of the children and I do think that he probably loves me more than he thinks and the same for me (I love him more than I think!) There is a lot more I want to do before I'm done. If H chose to leave, that would be a whole other situation.

[tori2012]

I think you figured out that you do love your H. Yes, you're not feeling the "butterflies" every time you see him, but that's not love. Love is what you feel now.