The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[FloydMan]

Thanks Breakdown.
Makes a lot of sense.
Q1) Wife said when we started therapy it was about “quality time” and we did not spend as much time together and drifted apart. My job was very demanding, made good money but it was stressful. I made 2x as much as she. I am sure there were times when I was quiet or had a tough day and mood was not great, but she worked wonky hours too and I was feeling the same and needing to fill a void. I took on a 2nd team to coach which she supported, in fact recommended.
Q2) I started to work less and dropped one team and so we could spend more time together. Was less money and I let her know that but it was still very good (1 ½ x more than her) but her spending issues and wants continued to grow and debt grew, though we made plenty of money, the debt should not have grown. That caused stress. Even though I believed I did as much around the house, especially with kids I took on more of her share.
Q3) her parent issues were controlling, invasive parents that did not allow for much freedom or privacy. They are very European (Portuguese).
Q4) We only discussed the affair in the first session of therapy. It was explained why these things happen and we were told that we would address the main issues, but the affair and trust building would need to be dealt with in a few months. This was both therapist’s recommendation and the book “After the affair” and 5 Love Languages. I really bought into the program. After a few months when we addressed many of the previous issues the therapist said we were ready and wanted to work on it and discuss it as things were going well. My wife agreed, but every scheduled session we had to deal with it my wife would change topic and start something new. This told me she was avoiding it and went on for months. She still wanted her privacy and not to have to deal with it or have her life an open book as was recommended and as mine was. She was very defensive if I even asked her plans for the day. That gave me anxiety.

Yes, I have flip-flopped (we both have) but I never really in my heart wanted this to happen. Where I stand is the belief in marriage and being a partnership and being honest. I felt trapped and felt she was avoiding and keeping more secrets. She was very private. Perhaps I was wrong is assuming maybe she was still having an A, but there was never any proof or actions that suggested not.
I definitely did pressure and that was destructive. The anxiety was destructive. I did forgive her as it took me a long time to understand how A’s happen and I ate a lot of crow, but the behaviour and secrecy afterwards confused all that. We were given trust exercise etc but she scoffed at it and said she would do it her way. All I really wanted was a real, genuine look in the eye and promise it would never happen again along with common marriage or partnership etiquettes. Not even just for me, as the kids would always ask, “where’s mommy, when will she be home”. It’s hard when you cannot answer your kids on that.