The house is for sale. So sad, Family is breaking.

[sandi2]

You said she did not want to discuss childhood trauma with the C. Do you know the details of that trauma?

“Says she has never had independence in her life. (a mutual friend told me she said this recently) Her parents were very controlling (European) and gave her and her 2 sisters no freedom. She married me when she was 27 and lived at home until then.”

Why didn’t she move out of the parent’s house when she became an adult?

The word that stands out to me in that paragraph is “freedom”. Freedom is a big issue to most WAW’s. (Your W may be in MLC, as well, but I’ll just use the term WAW, for now.) When I was a WAW, I wanted to be free so badly. I didn’t want to have anyone breathing down my neck. I didn’t want to give an account to anyone. I wasn’t as old as your W when I got M, but I left my parents and went to my H’s house……so I had never lived out on my own. I think I understand her resenting not having the chance (or not taking it) before being tied down in a lifelong R.

Some men may have trouble understanding why the W wouldn’t feel free in the M. In my case, it was never a problem….until I was caught up in an A. “Then” I wanted out so I could do whatever I wanted……which at the time….was an A. My H was not a controlling person, but after he found evidence of the A, he started trying to catch me in the act. Even before he confronted me about the A, he began trying to control where I went, etc. He didn’t trust me to leave town by myself, etc. He had every right not to trust me! But my response to his behavior was much like your W’s has been to you since she left.

You are trying to save the M, but she sees it as you controlling her life. Whenever you try to get her to read a book, go to therapy, or get a session with Michele…..she feels controlled. And, just like many teenagers do….she rebels.

I wonder if she was not allowed to be a normal teenager. If not, and if they tried to keep her locked up at home, then that might be cause for a MLC, but IDK. Just makes sense to me.

I know you can’t help what she experienced when she was growing up, but you can stop doing things that trigger her anger, resentment, etc., now. She may very well see you in much of the same light as her parents. You are stalling…..not just the D, but her life (in her opinion) and she’s ready to move on so she can find something that will make her happy.

I am a little confused about something in your story. The two of you went several months doing well, after the A. Then you wanted to discuss trust? That’s when she bucked up about it? I don’t understand. Did she do something in that time that caused you not to trust her again? Was forgiveness not mentioned when you decided to stay with and not get a D? Was the A or her feelings about OM ever discussed? I’m trying to figure out why you waited so late (and especially with things going so well in the R) before you brought it up. This must have really thrown her if she thought all of the A business was over and the two of you were moving forward. It sure would have upset me if my H brought up the fact he had trust issues with me months after I thought we had R. It would have felt like a huge backslide. Why then? And why did you feel like she had not earned….or had to earn your trust at that point? I could see why……right after the A, but months after you had R?

Then there’s the matter of her feeling like you had cameras or PI’s or whatever. How were you behaving that caused her to feel that way? It must have been something in order to give her that “being watched” feeling.

You can’t continue to do the same behavior that causes her to be so angry toward you, if it’s something you can do to stop it, b/c that only hurts your attempts in trying to save the R. Why would you believe she would want to have a MC talk to her, or your lawyer no less? She doesn’t want to save the M! And the more you try to cram these things down her throat, the more she feels CONTROLLED!

I’m not defending her actions towards the kids. But I do think that it’s all due to the desperation she is feeling right now. Yes, she’s just as desperate as you but for different reasons. The more pressure you put on her, the more likely it will cause her to not be so nice acting as a mom. Plus, you don’t want a D and the kids don’t want a D, so she probably feels like the bad guy with everyone and that makes her even angrier at everyone. Everyone except her lawyer! There is no telling what he might be telling her to keep her stirred up. He probably makes more money if she gets a D, rather than her stay in the M. So, he’s going to tell her how she deserves to take you for everything you’ve got.

And the thought of sitting down and having “your” lawyer talk advise her about anything, much less how a D would affect her life……is very unlikely. Her lawyer is not going to let that happen. And if she did…….he would have a “come-back” to everything your lawyer said.

My advice is to end your attempts of stopping the D by getting her to do what you think she needs to do, and start working on improving yourself and giving her a better reason to stay with you (which should be b/c you are wonderful man) and not out of pressure and defeat that she’s feeling now. Oh, I know that some could say that she’s put herself here, and I would be the first to agree (on most points, anyway). However, you might as well be trying to put out a forest fire by throwing gasoline on the trees. It’s not working.

How about trying something different?