Well I think I may finally be catching on to the whole "don't chase" "act as if" behaviour. Wednesday night I met with a therapist to see if my daughter needed some extra help sorting through this. H came to our home to watch her while I was there. I got home and as soon as I was putting D to bed, he left (I'm sure the OW that he is living with is aware of our D's bedtime because he always seems to be in a "rush" right around that time. Well that's how it feels anyway). So I got mad, and stupidly called him and asked him why he didn't stay to talk about the therapy session. Which led to a After a horrific telephone conversation with H where he told me a horrific call where he called me a f'n b***, a mother f'r, I ruined his life and he and our D was better off dead, and repeatedly told me we were done, it was effin over, etc. I stayed very calm and didn't react, knowing that his words are from anger and confusion. He also said he knew that staying together was the right thing to do but said he can't live in "hatrid". It was a very scary conversation. So that was a bit of an eye opener to me as to what he is going through in his mind. He's not talking to anyone at all, keeping everything bottled up. I simply re-iterated that I understood and that I loved him and cared for him but I was going to move forward with my life for myself and for our D. He did apologized and I apologized for calling. I am a reactor, I realize that now more than ever. We didn't talk again until yesterday when he showed up to go to a xmas parade our D was in. Unknown to me, D asked him to come for a "sleepover" at the house (she is aware that she cannot have sleepovers at daddys "house"). So here he was, spending the night. I just stayed "me", and we got along and played games with D. It felt like we were a family, but that's just my perception of it. I put D to bed and figured he would go to bed right after. Instead, to my surprise, he suggested we watch a movie. So I said yes and we stayed up for another 2 hours, watched a movie, talked and laughed a bit. I didn't bring up any "us" talk at all and I sat in the chair and he sat on the couch (I so wanted to curl up on the couch but resisted). He left this morning and I of course was devastated but kept my cool, told him thanks for staying and fixing my car, told him it was appreciated.
So two questions: the first is the obvious one - could the movie be a small sign? My sister who does not want me to be with him anymore after everything that has happened (and is probably the logical side of my brain right now) has said he was probably just not tired. But in the 3 months that this has been going on, it was the first time he ever stayed up, with me, after D went to bed.
Question 2 for those LBS who have children - what do you tell your children? My D is only 5 so doesn't understand "permanancy" and when she asked him directly why he moved out he said "mommy and daddy aren't getting along so daddy moved out for a while". I of course hope he comes home but should I be preparing her for him NOT coming home? She knows and understands that he doesn't live here anymore but she doesn't understand that "daddy doesn't love mommy" anymore and from his point of view right now, he is "never" coming back - that has not been said to her. The child therapist said I am doing everything right for her (which prompted the call that scared me to pieces because I was so happy about it and he didn't even ask). But I don't know what to tell her long term, especially when I'm looking at this as a separation and he is looking at it as a "divorce".
