Yeah, this is has been a pretty tough year. I forgot to mention my best friend died as well. Drank himself to death. Believe me, I was half heart-broken and half really angry about it.
I look at this DB process as pursuing a goal of getting my wife back through the process of self transformation. I pray that I achieve my goal, but if I don't I will be better as a person than when I started. Which serves my family well, anyway.
The old man in the coffee shop is a story. I was sitting there researching divorce on my iPad. When he leaned over and said, "Getting a divorce, huh? Tell me about yourself." I told him about my situation, my life, and a previous engagement that failed. My previous professional life was as an actor. He asked me about my training as an actor. I explained that when I would go on stage, I would come with a need that I would do anything to achieve. He paused and said, "That's your G*d damn problem. You took that needing and no holds barred approach into your life and that f*cked everything up. This is the fact. You don't need anything. Nothing! I know you're going to be a smarta** and say you need food and water and air. But you don't. You prefer those things because you prefer to keep on living. Stop needing everything and just prefer to have things. That will change everything."
And he was right. Since I changed my perspective, so much of my life has been better. I'm not afraid of failing because I'm just pursuing thinks that I would like to have or experience. There isn't that panic that I will be miserable if I don't get it.
The only thing I'm struggling with is thinking this way about my marriage. That is the transitiion where I still stumble.
This need has lead to my feelings of inadequacy, which in turn lead to frustration and defensiveness, which lead to unkind treatment of those around me.
I haven't been to Alanon. My wife suggested it, but I just didn't prioritize it to make time. And I felt weird. I don't know why. Probably pride of some deluded sort.
I am very proud of my wife staying sober. She didn't use meds. She also suffers some depression so she has been on drugs an IC for that.
Yes - Wit. I thought I had that, too. I love language and am quick with a turn of phrase. But my tongue was a sword and not a feather. Instead of looking for the good in others, I saw their weaknesses and would slash away. It was always "all in good fun." But no matter how much people laughed, it made them scared of me - afraid I would do it again or turn my wit on them.
Add to that my belief that I was right about most everything, and would get frustrated that people didn't acknowledge my brilliance, and I was a pretty negative force.
Again my old friend helped me with the mantra I've mentioned before : Be curious, not critical. Just that phrase has changed my relationships with my friends, family and how I work with my Daughters.
Change is happening. The challenge is to keep the change happening. That's my personal focus now. I hope it will help me get what I want from my wife. I'm already enjoying much more joyful relationships with everyone else.
