How, I say HOW, are you remaining so calm about the OW? My H has just given me a new suspicion of that and I'm beside myself without even a confirmation. (You can see my page if you'd like, for the whole sordid story.)
Well my hats off to you.
And I think they do believe they fool us (and everyone else too), after all, they do fool themselves. They believe their own garbage and expect us to do the same.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
snodderly~ Ugh, perhaps I am stupid, falling for a classic MLC catch phrase! As for guilt, well he should feel loads of it, I should feel bad for saying that, but I don't.
The co-workers, etc, they are just stupid. I don't know about the whole condom, foursome thing, for 2 reasons. 1. His one text comment was something like so the men in one bed and the women in another? (I don't remember reading an actual response to that, but I had to read stuff fast cause he was in the shower). 2. The small paper bag I saw looked like one of those one would get at Hallmark, I couldn't tell what was in it though, I couldn't get a close enough look. There was something large in it (which if Hallmark could have been an ornament I suppose, there's no way he'd need that many condoms! LOL). Oh and not to mention he has bought condoms before, put them on the bookshelf, I think he wanted me to see them. He ended up using them with me (cause he's so scared the girl with PCOS will mystically be able to get pregnant now, and I wonder do they not think other women can get pregnant? I mean the man who now decided he doesn't want kids might want to think about that....just sayin'). Only twice was there one condom MIA, but I think teenage him gave it to either this male co-worker or brother as part of a b-day gift. Trust me, it's the type of thing these people would do. Also, I think with the whole foursome thing, an "equipment malfunction" could be possible. I mean if they have happened with me (probably guilt) then would a man want to run that risk of that happening in front on people he's trying to impress? IDK. Just thoughts. Funny story about your ex! Wow people can be crazy!
Trust me, I want to mess with him.... I just want to make sure I'm not doing something out of anger or spite, that will always bite ya in the butt!! LOL I wonder what he would think if I did move his toothbrush out of the holder. I had already actually folded and put his laundry away the other week, I thought he would freak out about that, but he didn't. I'm just really trying to stick with killing him with kindness. IDK.
RH~ That's funny, because sometimes dealing with him I want to laugh and throw up at the same time!!! Being taken for granted all this time sure does get old and take it's toll. Some day he will realize how good he really has it (or by then could be had it, who knows) and it's just a shame that he's doing all of this destruction. I am just bound and determined to make Christmas special again and not be ruined like last year, and I'm going to do it if it kills me! Damn MLC!
mrsrjd~ LOL I don't know if I've ever officially been someone's role model before, but I'm flattered. Thank you!
As for as OW, first of all, I can't confirm that there is an actual one outside of the fantasy world in his head. I used to get all beside myself too with stuff I read, etc. Here's the thing, 1. It svcks but I can't control it (letting go of control we think we had to begin with is hard). 2.If there is an OW it's not about me, it's about something going on in H (that doesn't make it easier, but it keeps me from smothering him to death in his sleep) 3. It has been said on here OP's are band-aids.... in my experience with band-aids they always fall off. 4.Any relationship that starts with at least one person cheating isn't going to last anyway, sure it may take quite awhile, but it won't trust me I know, happened with my mother (she's cheated)(well happened with other people I know too, but she's the one that it affected me the most) and thank the Lord above she didn't stay with that crazy @sshole she cheated with! (she's remarried to someone else, but he's ok).
Trust me it breaks my heart to even think he could be saying inappropriate things to other women, much less anything else, the H I married wouldn't have done that, but he's not the man I married right now. Sitting here thinking about the unfairness of it all won't fix anything, it will just make me sad again, feeling all of the hurt, betrayal, dishonesty, broken trust, loneliness, etc, and I have days where I can't get past them, and it's hard and you want to scream and beat your fists against their chest and say wake up, life is good, the grass isn't greener you have a great life, be thankful for all that you have, don't treat people the way you are treating me because you never know how long they may be in your life... but we can't do or say these things. I've been trying to let these feelings go because they are going to kill me. Clearly God has some purpose for my life as crappy as I may feel it is at the moment, I just need to keep sitting back, be patient, and listen for what it is, because there has to be something more that this, there has to be something good at the end of all of this pain.
When I would tell my counselor about things I have read (one specific e-mail mentioned a married female co-worker by name, I did post about it) my counselor told me I am over reacting. I get partial info and then freak out. I don't know what's really going on. It's probably all in his head. He's putting on a show for his family. Gotta be the alpha male, beat on chest like gorilla, etc. So I'm looking at these texts as everything else, gotta say and do what I think these people want to hear... now as for the why, I would LOVE to know. Because really they don't matter. Perhaps one should focus on what really does matter like you know your spouse and marriage, but that's his choice, it's also his choice to decide not to care how his choices affect other people. So it's all mourning, praying, healing,being patient, and waiting to hear what God tells me to do next.... right now I feel like he is telling me to stay in this mess, I don't know why, but who am I to question God?
My counselor is well versed in dealing with people who have depression, so that aspect helps a lot. When I tell him about things with H and interactions and such, he says H is quite depressed from the sounds of it. He of course hopes H will someday come in to see him too. He had been considering it, which I consider progress for him.
I will continue to do what he(my counselor) instructs me, which is GAL, validate, positive affirmations, focus on me, keep creating a homey atmosphere, and continue the acting as if. Even though my counselor doesn't really know much about MLC he sure does have a lot of DB ways/advice.
hrm, No, you are not stupid for falling for a classic MLC catch phrase. We hear them say it and hope that they mean it. There have been quite a few, myself included, that have heard the phrase and thought "oh, good, he's going to actually work on the marriage and everything will fall into place". I learned very early on when I lived w/him and saw that his behavior didn't change one bit. I pretzeled myself time and again to meeting his ever ending desire for changes in myself. One day, that was it. I wasn't happy w/the changes I was making to make him happy.
You shouldn't feel bad for saying he should feel guilty for what he's doing. He knows better and yet he still chooses to walk the path of least resistance.
One never knows what they purchase and you might be right about an ornament or something small like that. As for the foursome...now that would be something to see and could be a great comedy act for sure. What a fly on the wall would have to say about that one if it should occur! LOL!
I think you have an excellent counselor and even though he doesn't know much about mlc, he is encouraging you to practice the db techniques.
I do hope that things settle down and your holiday season can be better this year. Holidays tend to bring out the crazymaking in them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are something special hrm...don't ever forget that.
The holidays are tough. I SO get this:
Quote:
Trust me it breaks my heart to even think he could be saying inappropriate things to other women, much less anything else, the H I married wouldn't have done that, but he's not the man I married right now. Sitting here thinking about the unfairness of it all won't fix anything, it will just make me sad again, feeling all of the hurt, betrayal, dishonesty, broken trust, loneliness, etc, and I have days where I can't get past them, and it's hard and you want to scream and beat your fists against their chest and say wake up, life is good, the grass isn't greener you have a great life, be thankful for all that you have, don't treat people the way you are treating me because you never know how long they may be in your life... but we can't do or say these things. I've been trying to let these feelings go because they are going to kill me.
You are doing so awesomely, hang in there, do some yoga breathing...you know the drill... lol... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Agreed. Let the feelings go completely, because they will otherwise kill you. Unfair? True, but at the same time, it's something that will make you better, even if you can't feel it right now. You are special, and you will be even stronger (if that's possible, right?) and better. It's always hard to see when in the thick of things, but you are doing very well and will continue to, I'm sure of it. Be patient and learn to let the stress go.
Don't mess with God's plans, HRM. You'll always come back to do it again if you do
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Snodderly~ Pretzel I shall not be, you either like me the way I am or not at all (the new me, not the old depressed me). LOL Of course he never really told me to change anything anyway.... just stuck with his "don't feel that way anymore" "no emotional connection" crap.
I have decided I don't feel bad about saying he should feel guilty, he very well should. He has no idea what he's giving up for absolutely no reason.
As always thank you so much for taking time to comment,I do really appreciate it!
T~ Thank you so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me. I've read them several times this past week, they were just what I needed.
I have been feeling lately that no amount of yoga breathing will help between MLC man and work! LOL
AJM~Thank you very much! You are totally right about "It's always hard to see when in the thick of things..." I'm finally able to truly let things go.... like anger.... not there much ever.... hurt, disappointment, heartbreak, yes but they don't rule my life, it's more of a sadness anymore of his stupidity and throwing us away. But I'm finding more joy again, and that is priceless.
Trust me, I won't mess with God's plan, he knows waaaay better than me, even if I want to think otherwise sometimes.
~updates~ On the home front not much to report, H allegedly went to a work dinner last night, he did tell me the evening before he would be late. I asked like midnight late? H said no like 10. I said ok. Then casually asked if he was going to a movie or something. He actually didn't bite my head off and said no work dinner. I just said ok.
Funny, he avoided work dinner's like the plague before, doesn't like those people remember? Oh wait, in MLC gotta impress people that don't matter, I forgot. He did get home at 10, which always makes me laugh since "pappy" (LOL) is usually in bed between 7:30 and 8:30. *shrugs* Whatever.
I stumbled onto some info this evening indicating H has another e-mail account I didn't know about. You know what, it didn't even phase me. I'm just like whatever, I don't actually care. I'm just sort of numb to it all at this point.
Don't get me wrong, it still baffles me that someone can treat another person like this, especially when the other person is treating them with kindness, patience, love, respect etc. But you know what,if he does decide to continue his plan to leave, it is totally his loss. He doesn't have any idea how good he really has it or what he's throwing away. I'm a good person and a darn good wife.... ohh to be appreciated...but right now that doesn't even matter so much because I know my worth.... and even if no one else appreciates me or values me God does and that is enough.
hrm, He knows that he has a diamond of a wife, unfortunately right now, it's all about him. I do think he knows what he will lose if he were to leave and that's why he's not making any sudden moves to head out of Dodge.
He may not have liked dinner parties and those people pre-crisis, but while in crisis, they hang w/them...mirror image, or should I say, the exact opposite of what he would have done previously. You will see a lot of that around the boards.
You are detaching more and more each day and that's good.
I do hope that you will have a good weekend. Please try to do something fun for yourself and if you can fit it in, relax a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well if anyone would like a laugh, when H randomly announced he was going into Wal-mart a little while ago and asked if I needed anything, I asked him to pick up some toilet paper, he says, "Ok, what kind do you get?" I just said, ever so sweetly, "I usually get Angel Soft." I didn't laugh... we've been getting the same TP for years now.... hell, he didn't have to ask me the last time he bought it. He was all grumpy and had an angry tone before he left. IDK what's that's all about.... I've been business as usual, happy out doing stuff and making the house "cheery and bright" for Christmas. Perhaps the Christmas tree skirt sent him over the edge! LOL Or maybe me getting Christmas cards ready to send out... who knows?
Friday evening H came back to where I was sitting at the computer and handed me a gift card. I looked at it and asked what's this? He said one of his reps gave it to him. I thanked him and said it will help a lot,I wasn't sure how I was going to get Christmas gifts for people. He walked away didn't say anything. About five minutes later he walks back in and says here's the other one, you can have it too. He was a bit irritated when he said it, but I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated it. He had also made dinner that night for us, was trying his best to ignore me and just be irritable when I spoke. I didn't pay it much attention. Just went about my business.
Another thing that made me laugh, H asked me if I was going to be home Saturday. I asked what time, and was wondering why. He said, "because I wanted to know if I could use the computer at 4." I said, "that is very specific, but of course you can. You don't have to ask." He said he wanted to use it to register for something and it fills up pretty much instantly. I asked if it was a match, he said it was. I really thought about saying, aw, I'm sorry that time slot for computer usage is already full, but you can have the 3:30!!! It was soooo tempting to say, but I didn't. LOL Imagine, asking to use the computer at all, much less a specific time!
Yesterday he was a little bit kinder to me. When I saw him in the morning. I had thanked him again for the gift cards. I was out with a friend most of the day. She and I went to Toys R Us and almost literally ran into H's brothers and his brothers gf. We ducked down an isle. I'm not sure if they saw me or would have recognized me with the weight loss and hair change, but they would have recognized my dear friend. Later I was kicking myself for not going up to them and saying hello, I would have loved to see the reaction.... I guess it wasn't meant to be.
When my friend and I got back to our house H was watching tv in the living room, we both said hi to him, he barely uttered a soft hey back. I asked him if he got to register for the match. He said no. I said I'm sorry to hear that. My friend and I went downstairs to watch tv. We got down there and she says to me depression? I said IDK, seems like he could have cycled into that for the time being, no telling how long that will last.
Today's other laugh, I was doing some laundry and H had some still laying on the floor down there so I put it in with mine. I didn't know what the reaction would be, didn't really care, I mean it's just laundry. He did notice. He came back and said to me, "um, I had some laundry down there..." I said, "yep, I threw it in with the load I was doing, I hope that was ok." He said, "yeah, I just wanted to make sure I didn't lose it." I was a good girl and didn't crack up laughing!! LOL Lose it? Where would it have gone? Laundry robbers?? Did it walk away on its own?? LMAO sorry.... still laughing at this! He added he had some other laundry he would have liked to done. I told him he could put it down there with the others I had left to do. I was very surprised when he actually did!
Happy Sunday all! No matter what anyone is going through today I hope I could provide some laughter.
hrm, Your h is too funny. I'm sure he wasn't too happy to pick up toilet paper, but you've got to have it. LOL!
I think he's bugged about the Christmas season, especially the decorating, etc. It's not a pleasant time for the mlcers. Oh, well...he can either accept and enjoy the holiday or he can stay in his little room and sulk.
As for the laundry, did he think somone would steal his clothes? OMG! He probably thought Santa's elves would come get the stuff. LOL!
I'm glad you still have your sense of humor. He's just as nutty as a fruitcake.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I read your postings and admire you so much for being steadfast, kind and strong!
I found out a few months ago my H had a FOURTH email account. A work one, one we had shared, one that he developed after his MLC kicked in and then my boys said he had another address they saw accidentally.
I inquired to H about this and he said he just used this fourth one for a while to "set things up and get them going" but didn't need it any more. So many weird things have happened with him that I actually didn't spend too much time trying to figure it out. Just goes in my mind under the category "just baffles me" along with many other items
I look forward to more interesting accounts with you and your H. Will he be with you at Christmas?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
