So I did not go to the dance last night. Well, I actually went to the dance it was not really for me at this point in my life. I thought it was going to be different than it was. When I arrived there were about 200 cars in the parking lot and everyone was dressed up really nice. Mostly couples showed up and I did not want to stand around all night looking for someone to dance with (I'm okay with my decision, not a big deal) so I went Christmas shopping and got some decent deals. I hung out with my sister for a couple of hours, then went home and went to sleep.
I am realizing that my W is the one who walked away and is not willing to do the hard work to save herself. I have hurt her (unintentionally) and not been the best husband in the world, but without feed back and her commitment to this marriage we are doomed. Her refusal to look at herself and try to work through her issues will keep her in a bad place. I need to remove my focus on us and put it squarely on me. This will do a couple of things: 1. Give me my self confidence back. I basically gave complete control of my life over to my wife (I think I was just trying to please her and lost control of me) 2. Allow me to heal. Unless I heal I am no good to anyone, most importantly myself (narcissistic?? your darn tooting at least just a tad bit), my children and eventually my relationship with another women (maybe my wife maybe not). 3. Allow me to be the person I want to be, not some incarnation of what my wife or anyone else wants.
With that being said, how to detach and I mean really detach?? I think it is a process that involves many things. Loving support from family and friends. Time to allow the feelings to move through us and eventually out of us. I find having a good friend that is willing to allow us the time to talk about our feelings helps (I know this gets tough hearing the same crap over and over but I really need to release steam or Imma blow lol) this forum is a nice way to journal and get real feedback. Realizing that I did nothing that was bad enough to warrant her leaving like she did, the leaving part is squarely on her shoulders. I am not a bad person, neither is she really. Last moving on with life, this does not mean leaving my wife, but just moving on. She can decide if she wants to be a part of the moving or not. I keep telling myself I cannot control what she does, thinks or says. So far this has not helped but one day it will sink into my actual subconscious thought and I will learn to let go of those uncontrollable things in my life.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
