Together Separate II

[mizjjd]

Thank you Snodderly. You know, you are a godsend. Bless you.

H got home while I was taking S19 to work - and called my cell, "Where are you?"

I hope he thought I'd left! (Yep, I've got a mean streak.)

He was all happy and chatty about his casino trip - still behaving unusually it would seem.

Gosh, it is hard to say and believe, but you know if I had somewhere to go, I might. H said in his ramble the other night the the most important thing to him is the well being of the twins (16) and not disrupting them. (I guess the other two S19 and D18 don't figure as heavily to him) IDK if I too stay for them (although, by them I mean all 4)or if I stay for what I loosely term a marriage.

I think you and I communicated before about whether this is a 2nd MLC or a continuation of an earlier one. The "first" one happened 14 years ago when his sister was diagnosed with cancer. Now his parents are having more and more health problems, H is 54, the last of our children are getting ready to fly the nest...

But between the affairs/crisis you know it hasn't been a great marriage. This is something even H admits to. So I don't know what I'm doing, or why. I think I have thought for some time now that once all the kids are grown it would get better between H and me. But maybe that was wishful thinking.

And there's a coldness, a hardness in me that didn't used to be there. And I don't know what that's all about, and I'm not proud of it. Because I do know H is hurting. I do know he's been on the receiving end of more than his fair share of disappointment, abandonment and general poor treatment. But none of it from me. Even the things he dredges up to confront me with HE admits where unintentional on my part. So the fact that he is currently hanging all his unhappiness on the one person who has been loyal and supportive to him just makes me ANGRY instead of empathetic.

And I don't know what to do about the "Bubba" thing. I have had enough of infidelity. Its a "Deal Breaker". If I knew for certain that was the case here I would ask H to leave.

But I know I'm not supposed to push for info according to DB. And #$%^ if it isn't almost Christmas.... so maybe I'd best table Bubba until the new year?

Uh oh, eyes are leaking AGAIN.

But then too, H may resolve this sooner or later. If he doesn't have a job by the time football season is over I don't think he'll feel it necessary to be home as often. It is his dream to be a professional gambler. (This is not new - been a hobby for years and years. Fortunately, he has historically been a good money manager re: gambling so that aspect of it is not yet a concern.) So I can see him getting to a point where he lives at a casino and "visits" home.